Regret Can Kill You

I’m on a soapbox today.

People Magazine is reporting that the Jon & Kate Plus 8 couple might be splitting up. That’s the couple with the reality TV series about raising eight little kids. I’m not a fan of the show, but my daughter is, so I’ve watched it with her a few times. It’s probably all in the editing, but Kate always comes off as irritable and unreasonable, and the celebrity rags have been shouting about Jon having an affair with a 23-year-old. It’s none of our business, really, and who knows what the real skinny is. But I can’t say that I don’t care, because I do care what happens to this couple and all couples. I hate to see people who were once happy split up, whether they’re married or devoted life partners, straight, gay, childless, child-full, all of them. I can’t help it, people whose hearts are broken make me so incredibly sad.

I think what bothers me so much is the after part. All the regrets. As a couple, when you split up and the dust clears and time passes, you look back on it and all the reasons for splitting — if you can even remember them –  seem so stupid and pointless and (the most painful to realize) fixable. Then the regret sets in. It’s like you get this clarity about how it all could have been avoided, how you would do it differently now that you’ve got some perspective. Regret is toxic, and it can eat you alive.

• For instances, a lot of those ugly nasty arguments that escalated into horror shows could have been so easily avoided by keeping your own mouth shut. At what cost do you really want to win an argument? Is emotionally wounding your partner a good enough price to pay to win an argument? No matter how badly you want to have the last word, that last little dig that goes for the jugular, don’t say it. Just shut the hell up and let your partner have the last word. And if their “last word” was ugly and horrid, let it hang there in the air to echo in their own head and just be grateful it wasn’t you who said it.

• Another detour, easy enough to execute, would be to leave your partner alone when they’re in a bad mood. If he or she is an a bad mood, feeling surly or introspective, quit assuming it has to do with YOU. Believe it or not people have other things on their mind besides you. When your partner is in a mood, the last thing he or she needs is to have to reassure you and your insecurities. If they don’t want to talk, don’t force them to. And don’t try and guess what their thinking about; you’re not a mind reader, so quit trying to be. Go find something else to do, like watch Jon & Kate Plus 8. They’ll come around and find you when they’re ready to be with you, or just want to talk.

• Listen carefully and don’t constantly interject with advice or suggestions such as “You should have said…” Just because your partner is telling you a story or problem their having at work doesn’t mean they want you to come up with a solution. Everybody needs to vent sometimes. If your partner wants to vent about the traffic or a co-worker or the neighbor’s lawn, let them.

• Put some blind trust in your partner and stop looking over his or her shoulder. Don’t ask “Who was that?” every time they get off the telephone. It makes you sound suspicious and nosy. If their desk or bureau is a mess, just leave it, don’t go “straightening it up just a little.” You’re not your partner’s mommy or daddy. If their job is to pay the household bills, don’t quiz them on it. Nobody wants to hear, “Did you pay the light bill?” every month. If they didn’t pay the light bill, just cross that bridge if you come to it.

• Flatter. Every single day find something wonderful about your partner and tell them about it, don’t keep it to yourself. Even if it’s just a “Hello, handsome,” or “Hey there, beautiful,” when you get home from work.

• Don’t criticize your partner’s driving. If they choose to take the long way to the restaurant, resist the urge to point out how stupid they are not to have taken the route you would have chosen. And if they drive too fast and you just can’t stand it, find a kinder, gentler way of being the driver next time without throwing down the gauntlet by saying, “I hate the way you drive, let’s take my car.”

 And most importantly, never bring up the ugly past, never open old wounds. Let them go, never to see the light of day again. There’s absolutely nothing  gained by bringing up bad memories. Once that ugly moment has passed make a pact to never bring it up again. And then DON’T bring it up again. Ever. If you’ve got any “well-meaning” friends or family who want to bring it up to you even after you’ve told them you’ve let it go, or they want to question you about any ugliness from the past, cut them loose. You don’t need that toxic-ness in your life or your relationship, especially since both you and your partner have agreed to focus on the good and the beautiful.

Who am I to be standing on this soapbox and doling out advice on avoiding regret? I’m a freaking EXPERT in this department and that’s all I’m gonna say about that. But trust me on this, I know all too well what I’m talking about. And here’s me sending positive vibes to Jon and  Kate and the 8, and for people everywhere who are finding themselves in the middle of an emotional storm and just want a little inner peace.  I’m rooting for you.