THE PRINCE OF THE COMEDY

There are a few things you need to know about Crystal upfront: she outweighs me by a good 150 pounds, she’s clingy enough to be classified as a stalker, and she hasn’t seen any of the Star Wars films. Ever. She’s not really my... [more]

There are a few things you need to know about Crystal upfront: she outweighs me by a good 150 pounds, she’s clingy enough to be classified as a stalker, and she hasn’t seen any of the Star Wars films. Ever.

She’s not really my problem. I’ve tormented her to the point where she usually leaves me alone, but she’s still a nuisance by association. My good friend, Jenn, is haunted by this hall-roamer, and being a far nicer person than I, Jenn tolerates her, even when she waits outside Jenn’s room after knocking to no avail, or follows her to class just to tell her she has a crush on her RA and masturbated to him five times the night before. I’ve told Jenn over and over that all she has to do is act like an asshole and voila, problem solved. Sadly, Jenn has a heart that makes Mother Theresa look like a poser, so I took it upon myself to relieve Jenn of her thinking, speaking burden.