The Daily Event

Summer 1973...It was a bad time to be a bartender. The economy was in recession. Unemployment had risen from 5% to 9% in a year and a half. The prime rate was 10.2%. Inflation was at 7.4%. Real Estate was in the toilet. You could buy a three-story brownstone in the 80's on the Upper West Side of Manhattan for $60,000, but they wanted 20% down and nobody had 60 cents worth of collateral. You moved warily through the city like a mouse rushing from one hole to another. The subways were a no-go after 10 p.m. Mugging was a simple speedy transaction by ... Read Full Story

  LINCOLN, Neb., Oct. 21...Red faced officials were scrambling today to explain why they denied Lindsay Lohan shelter under Nebraska's Safe Haven Law. "We've changed the requirements" said an official from the Department of Health and Human Services "She may be needy, but she's no longer eligible." Lohan's mother, Dina, brought her to Creighton University Medical Center in a Hummer Stretch yesterday and applied to have her declared a ward of the state. Social workers claiming patient privilege would not reveal the reason for the application, but the Safe Haven Law offers refuge to children whose parents can no longer cope with them for ... Read Full Story

GREEN-POINT, Brooklyn, Sept. 17...The Large Hadron Collider is part of an alien real estate conspiracy, a community activist charged last night. At a tumultuous meeting at Golubchik's Tavern Igor Yopsvoyomatsky, editor of paranoiaisfact.com accused "gullible scientists" of standing by while the earth was taken over by what he called "deep space developers" and insisted that international agencies call a halt of its operations pending a thorough investigation. "Don't be fooled," he warned. "This collider is a superweapon built by aliens. They are going to implode the earth like a Las Vegas hotel and put up intergalactic timeshares..." The Large Hadron Collider, an $8 billion ... Read Full Story

Igor Yopsvoyomatsky, Editor of paranoia.com . Answers readers questions. Dear Igor, My cellmate, Jeff Skilling, here at Waseca Federal Penitentiary, says the "so-called bailout" is a conspiracy by Goldman Sachs to rule the world. Is this paranoia or fact? Worried Lifer Cellblock D Dear Worried Lifer, This is fact. But first, a little background. The wealthy have been seeking to undermine the idea of Democracy since its inception. The notion that the collective action of yeomen, scribes and servants, could prevail violates the elite's equation of power: Property+Capital+Might=Dominance. Socrates questioned the Greek pseudo-democracy as the "rule of some one person or very few." He ... Read Full Story

SANTA MONICA, California, Oct. 17th...An amazing thing happened in Fenway Park last night. Red Sox fans walked out on their team. In the bottom of seventh inning all seemed to be lost. The Sox were down 7-0 to the upstart Tampa Bay Rays, a team of hard-nosed youngsters that had bedeviled them all season. The pitchers weren't competing. Carlos Pena and Evan Longoria looked like they were taking batting practice when they hit back- to- back home runs in the third. Even ferocious closer Jonathan Papelbom had stumbled, giving up a two run double to B.J. Upton in the seventh to widen the score ... Read Full Story