Alcoholic Chainsaw Massacre

Well things have been rather windy around here of late. No, not because of my excessive flatulence, but simply gales and the like, which knocked down this absolutely massive tree in my neighbor’s yard. Hurrah, thinks I, because it had long cast huge shadows on my garden, causing the grass to be patchy and my roses to not bloom at their fullest. So this massive tree is now lying across my neighbor's garden, and the one next to that.

So my neighbor, Mr X, a nurse in his late thirties, rings my doorbell and says he wants to talk about what we are going to do about the tree. I have to admit that I don’t like Mr X. I suppose it might be because he often stands outside his front door in pyjamas and a jacket, smoking a cigarette and peering at everyone who passes by in a suspicious fashion. The only intriguing thing he ever did was when Mr X, a handsome black guy, started dating a very plain white woman with grey hair who looks old enough to be his gran. This romance started because she has a car and he doesn’t, and she used to sit outside his house for hours sometimes, wooing him and waiting for him to come out. I guess he figured either your stalker will kill you or you can be sensible about it and just use her for a free lift. And then she started staying the night. The lengths some people will go to to avoid buying a car.

Anyway, where was I? The tree falling down forced me to make contact with Mr X. First he blithely told me that we would be sharing the costs of cutting up and removing the tree three ways. To which I replied that the tree wasn’t even in my garden, so I would just pay whatever it cost to remove the roots and stump.

So we get a bunch of quotes. Some were like $1500, just to chop up a tree! One guy wanted to charge $800 and then said he’d charge me $500 extra just to remove the stump. I said, "I don’t get it, why so expensive, surely you just chainsaw the stump into pieces?" and he said, “You don’t chainsaw through dirt.” I didn’t ask him why not.

So Mr X, myself and the neighbors on the other side hummed and hawed about how to keep costs down. Mr X told me that he knew some alcoholic bums who would be keen to chainsaw my stump into manageable chunks. “Just give them some beer money," he said,”they'll get tanked up and chop your stump up in no time."


Now, I certainly have no objections to financing their addictions, but the thought of drunk people wielding chainsaws, well, I could already see the limbs flying, the blood squirting. Did I really want to see what havoc drunk people could cause with chainsaws? Yes of course it crossed my mind that it would make a great YouTube video. It does seem like the cheapest option. But am I really willing to risk having a severed hand left in my back yard, just to save a few quid?

And if this has whetted your appetite for blood, there's a heated discussion over at finger's place about whether going down on a woman during her period is a turn on or a turn off? I say it's no biggie. Will someone please back me up on this!Subscribe to Feed