T.S. Elliott Can Go To Hell

“April is the cruelest month”- T.S. Elliott

“Bullsh*t…. March is!“- Anonymous

Forget about March Madness. Sure, the NCAA Tournament has everyone talking at the proverbial water coolers, but the real news of the month has been the sheer volume of news about lying, cheating and cavorting politicians. The NCAA’s may have a Final Four, but I had to cut down the list sharply just to get down to my Final Five. If you had Elliott Spitzer, David Peterson, Jim McGreevey, Kwame Kilpatrick and Hillary Clinton in your Final Five, then you win the office pool.

 * Spitzer or Swallows? It will be awfully tough to top former New York Governor Elliott Spitzer. Spitzer, who rose to the top of the political world as a pitbull prosecutor, who went after corrupt politicians and businessmen with rabid glee, turned out to be the biggest hypocrite since an airport bathroom incident spelled taps for Senator Larry Craig’s political career. It was bad enough dropping $80,000 on a New Jersey hooker (couldn’t he have supported the New York economy?), but he appears to have engaged in money laundering, misuse of official personnel and misuse of state funds.

* Is lust as blind as love? Just when it looks like it can’t get any worse, it takes about 24 hours to find out that Spitzer’s replacement, David Paterson, has had a series of affairs, used pot and cocaine and charged some of his excesses to the state of New York. The best line to come out of this affair (so far), is that Paterson apparently expensed his hotel room in midtown Manhattan to “constituent relations.”

* Jersey Boys Goes Off-Broadway: Just when you thought that the Jim McGreevey scandal had quieted down a bit, a former aide to McGreevey provided steamy details of regular threesomes involving the aide, Theodore Peterson, the Governor and the Governor’s wife, Dina Matos.

Here’s a wonderfully subtle treatment of the trysts from Newark’s Star Ledger:

“The aide, Theodore Pedersen, said he and the couple even had a nickname for the weekly romps, from 1999 to 2001, that typically began with dinner at T.G.I. Fri day’s and ended with a threesome at McGreevey’s condo in Woodbridge.

They called them “Friday Night Specials,” according to Pedersen.”

* A Little Mo’ on the Side for Motown Mayor:  Detroit Mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, is facing purgery charges for claiming that he was not having a sexual affair with his aide Christine Beatty. Investigators sifted through 14,000 text messages from Kilpatrick’s phone and came up with a number of smoking guns. Here are the highlights:

“I’m madly in love with you,” Kilpatrick wrote on Oct. 3, 2002.

“I hope you feel that way for a long time,” Beatty answered. “In case you haven’t noticed, I am madly in love with you, too!”

Other texts contain sexual content, like this exchange on April 8, 2003:

Beatty: “And, did you miss me, sexually?”

Kilpatrick: “Hell yeah! You couldn’t tell. I want some more. “

It’s hard to tell what the biggest disservice was to Kilpatrick’s constituents- was it the time spent in hotel rooms, or was it the time sending 14,000 text messages?

* No Sex… Just Lies and Videotape: While her husband may have fidelity lapses, Hillary Clinton seems to be having some major memory lapses. Hillary’s tales of landing in Bosnia amid sniper fire, bombs bursting in air, and general mayhem don’t quite jibe with reality. CBS happened to be along for the ride and their videotape shows a leisurely, peaceful landing, with Hillary taking  out to greet a schoolgirl on the tarmac.

Caught redhanded, Hillary didn’t even blink.

“I say a lot of things — millions of words a day — so if I misspoke, that was just a misstatement.”