Conservatism's Last Stand

By Rose Pedenko and Tanya Simon

George Armstrong Custer lost his luster and got whacked at the Little Big Horn.

Senator John McCain spent five years of his life inside a Viet Nam death camp, was beaten and tortured, and survived to tell about it. He too has lost his luster (with conservatives) and is getting whacked by a previously fawning media.

Custer was vain, arrogant, ambitious, reckless and a risk-taker.

McCain is also vain, arrogant, ambitious, reckless and a risk-taker. But is McCain riding the trail rejecting conservative core principles along the way to become our latter-day General Custer? We’ll call our pork barrel fighter “Lt. Custard.”

General Custer designed his own extravagant uniforms: polished jackboots, tight-fitting corduroy trousers, his trademark wide-brim hat, a black velveteen hussar jacket with silver piping, and a red cravat on his sailor shirt with silver stars on the collar. He was a natural blond, and wore his hair in long ringlets which he dusted with cinnamon-scented hair oil.

Lt. Custard could use a makeover and some hair but we won’t go there. We’ll leave that up to the media as they break all the rules of propriety and point out every freckle, age spot, bump or suspicious wound on his vast forehead.

General Custer lost his Division’s train as well as his personal luggage to a band of Confederates at the Battle of Trevilian Station.

Lt. Custard carried his own suitcases between planes in airports before, during and after the Primaries. Is this a sign of confidence — or of being lost in the political wilderness?

General Custer loved publicity and often invited journalists to go along with him on his campaigns so that they could report his battlefield panache.

Lt. Custard is a media darling so long as he speaks liberally about Liberals’ pet issues, which he does with disconcerting ease aboard the Straight Talk Express.

General Custer jeopardized his military career when he testified against the abuses and severe ill treatment of Native Americans barricaded inside government reservations.

Lt. Custard jeopardizes our national security and economic stability when he promotes unlocking America’s borders to millions of illegal immigrants and promises to close GITMO if elected.

In 1867, Custer went AWOL to see his wife and was court-martialed. The army suspended his duty for one year.

In 2007, Lt. Custard went AWOL on conservatives. This boosted his chummy relationship with Democrats in Congress and (dramatic organ music) the PRESS.

It could have been the 1860s, but more likely the 1960s when once proud journalists, honor bound to tell the truth, launched an expedition towards the conquest of young American braves.

It continues to this day as they propel their so-called crowning achievement, Barack Obama, into the fractured leadership of the Free World. We will call these so-called journalists the “Sue.” Why? Because it’s damn near impossible to instigate legal action against them when they cower behind the stone walls of Fort First Amendment.

Former Sue (and Viet Nam war correspondent), “Sitting Bull-Gore,” has made a stand against the alleged warming of the earth. He has turned this fantasy into a rallying point for the disaffected of every blue state (and raked in millions of dollars with this scam, affording him and Tipper Canoe to live lavishly – and hypocritically – on their energy-hogging Tennessee estate).

In comparison, Lt. Custard’s half-hearted attempt at environmentalism consists of trying to save 1% of the pristine Alaskan tundra. This has been met with mockery by the Sue and their ignoble carbon credit-eating -- Sitting Bull-Gore.

With Democrats on both sides of the continent, and Republicans stuffed like turkey dressing in the middle, the Sue wage a relentless and merciless war with their poison pens on conservative candidates. Every endeavor to keep the Sue in check during the Iraq War has only served to consume precious military resources. Instead, the Sue immediately made a slap-dash prediction that the war would be a rout (naturally not in our favor) even before the first 50-caliber shot was fired.

They then followed up with a relentless volley of “Recession! Recession!!” until they have nearly made it so. They have since become even more aggressive, arming themselves with one-sided fiction delivered at warp-speed via the Internet (which was invented of course by Sitting Bull-Gore). The Sue has become a fierce foe more dreaded and deadly than any past or present European press corps.

Republican candidates, when confronted by members of the Sue tribe should just ask for a blindfold, a cigarette and a quick scalping to spare their family, religious beliefs and personal integrity from being publicly torn to shreds and tossed into the Little Big Horn River.

This is the formidable and unrelenting fighting force that Lt. Custard and the GOP are forced to contend with. The Sue’s bellicose behavior offers no white flags, no treaties or time-outs. In spite of attempts to bribe or mollify them, they remain uncompromising.

The Sue was once warmed by Lt. Custard’s glow. Now they rally round the impressive – but downright baffling – forked-tongue oratory (not worth a wooden nickel) of their charismatic presumptive leader, Barack Obama, known euphemistically as “Crazy Horse.” Recently, a tribe of over 65,000 Left Wings joined Crazy Horse at an Oregon political war party. Impressive indeed!

The Sue and the Left Wings fear that Lt. Custard might be impetuous with Persia’s…uh...Iran’s leader and plunge us head-on into yet another Great War. Crazy Horse, on the other hand, plans to Pow and Wow known-terrorist leaders. This “Brave’s” naïve effort to smoke the peace pipe has the same fishy tang as the abject ramblings (and catastrophic failures) of demented Ex-Chief “Head-in-the-Clouds” Carter.

Although Lt. Custard courted the Sue over the years, they remain stubbornly single-minded in their support of Crazy Horse. Lt. Custard has been warned by his base to keep watch well out toward his Left as he navigates the campaign trail. He has let us conservative warriors down in so many unexpected ways, such as clamoring for oil drilling while simultaneously shutting down prospecting in the tundra – this in spite of hard assurances the caribou will not be harmed. At the same time, Lt. Custard has yet to notice the abundance of free-range buffalo in Yellowstone.