Useless Stuff

Before working in a cubicle this week, I had never even stepped inside one of these blissfully gray dead zones, but now that I have, I will never look at boring office work the same way again! These things are great! If you thought you were dispassionate at the office before working in a cubicle, then you are living a life of hearty denial my friend! I invite workers everywhere to try one out and see just how difficult it is to have a conversation with people mere feet from you, or keep your eyes open. This simple, sleek, emotionless structure completely eradicates engagement ... Read Full Story

A likely trio of illegal immigrants, liberal intelligentsia, and professional basketball players has joined forces to destroy America’s sporting traditions from within this free land. Their goal is nothing less than destroying the American ideal of manhood through importing the “world’s game” to our shores, and implanting it in the soul of the nation’s youth. Sport is a method of teaching youth society’s values and preferred virtues. The rules of our chosen games reflect the battles young men will later encounter from boardrooms to airport bars. How insidious then to replace American football, with its emphasis on frequent and arbitrary line drawing, brutality, and ... Read Full Story

The Garden, EDEN - In a shocking development, religious leaders at St. Saint’s Seminary School have found that according to religion, religion is true. Organizer, Father Padre Père, long a believer in his own religion, expressed hope that the findings would finally put to rest the modern argument that religion is based on superstitious beliefs that would normally be really silly. “There is sort of a poetic justice that religion proved itself, by itself. I’m not really sure why we ever looked elsewhere in the first place. I mean, historically, science and common sense have been no help at all! We really should have ... Read Full Story

It doesn’t take much to anger the copyright Gods. Receiving Me? has been a bastion of illegal activity from its inception. From dropping knowledge bombs on the drive-by-media to other things we’ve never done, Receiving Me? has proudly thumbed its virtual nose at any family members willing to read our thoughts… but times have changed. Apparently, in a feat of enormous irregularity, somebody without actual blood ties to Receiving Me? has happened upon our happy, irreverent, thieving community. This person claims actual “ownership” over material that has appeared in Receiving Me? . This marks the first occurrence of such an admission. We did try ... Read Full Story

Washington, DC - President Harry Truman was the first US president to pardon a Thanksgiving turkey. Both scrupulous and unscrupulous turkeys alike have been pardoned ever since… until now. With President Bush’s approval rating dipping bellow the approval rating of “Pumpkin” (this year’s turkey chosen for pardon), officials in the White House have decided to modify the tradition and have the turkey pardon Bush. Bush’s harshest critics (i.e. everyone) are up in arms over what they describe as a sinister PR move that aims to capitalize on human inability to discern Pumpkin’s true opinion of the controversial president. Members of the activist group moveon.org ... Read Full Story