Yom Kippur

Dear Haley,

Happy New Year!!! La Shona Tova!! I say this with the belief that you will finish your conversion classes and become a full-fledged member of the Tribe. Rabbi Goldstein is not going to wait forever. For the love of god, you have five classes left. I realize that you thought the classes would consist of more wealthy, single men. I’m sorry you were disappointed, but get over it. If you want any chance at being the legal guardian to Baby G in the event that something happens to Nathan and me, you need to finish the classes.  I hate to throw this in your face, but right now, your nemesis, Kati is in the lead.  Her parents are Jewish and she has completed infant CPR.  

Today marks the holiest day of the year: Yom Kippur, i.e., Day of Atonement. It’s the day we ask G-D to forgive us for our sins of the prior year by fasting for 24 hours. In the past, I have always fasted. So I tell you the following in complete confidence: I am thrilled that breastfeeding gives me an out this year.  Hallelujah!! I literally skipped to synagogue today. Does that make me a bad Jew? Should I be atoning for being happy about not fasting? Did they talk about this in conversion class?  Get back to me.

Elaine

Elaine,

I have an anxiety disorder. Remember when my therapist kept asking me to get on medication, which caused me to have a panic attack and stop seeing him? Well, that’s kind of what happens every time you bring up the conversion classes. First you call me a Jewseur and now you are rubbing it in by asking me Jew questions that I don’t know the answers to. 

Highlights of my Jew career:
 
• While listening to the Rabbi give a special talk about the Holocaust, I placed my prayer book on the floor, near my feet. Little did I know, this is a major no-no. Luckily the woman in charge of my Jewish conversion classes hurried over to me and let me know that putting the prayer book on the floor is basically like telling God to fuck off. The only way to make this better is to kiss the book, which must be done whenever you accidentally drop the prayer book on the floor. That’s weird to me, but I kissed it anyway.
 
• When I offered to make challah for Passover. Thankfully, you stopped me before I brought the loaf over to your mom’s house. For you non-Jews out there: Passover is the week when Jews don’t eat leavened bread. That’s basically the gist of it. There are a whole lot of rules you have to follow. The big one is not eating bread. And trying not to get so shitfaced from drinking Manischewitz that, while seated at the dinner table, you: 1. beg Elaine’s great aunt to hook you up with her nephew in Washington D.C.; 2. Tell all of Elaine’s relatives that you are dying alone; and 3. Admit to everyone that you almost brought challah to Passover Seder and that you use the prayer book as a foot rest.

Shalom,
 
Haley