Late Night Jokes

Late Night Jokes

Follow the best jokes from Late Night with Conan O'Brien and the Late Show with David Letterman.

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Written by Tony on
"Well, folks, looks like we finally found something President Bush is good at. Dodgeball!" by Jay Leno --- Elsewhere on Zimbio: Written by JJ document.write(localTime('Dec 16, 2008 19:42 GMT'))/16/2008 19:42 GMT on Dec-16-08 It's been a few days since Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi was arrested for throwing his shoes at President George W. Bush, which has given the Internets plenty of time to throw down on its latest favoritest meme. "The Bush-Shoe Incident / Response Time" (Play it here) mind360.com has this game to test whether or not you would be able to dodge the shoe The Bush Shoe Dodge (Play it here ) ... Read Full Story
Written by Tony on
Now, it's clear the Republican party has a new rock star -- in that Jindal appears to have the body fat of Iggy Pop on free heroin day. Now, Jindal took it straight to the Democrat's porkulus plan, like this waste of money [on screen: Bobby Jindal attacking  $140 million budgeted for volcano monitoring]. Ridiculous! Monitoring volcanoes totally ruins the surprise. Republicans know all we need to control volcanoes is to sacrifice a virgin. That is why they support abstinence education. By Stephen Colbert Read Full Story
Written by Tony on
All in all, Obama spent, and this is true, seven hours in Canada. Ranking his first diplomatic trip on our 'How Long Americans Stay in Canada Scale,' above a firecracker/prescription drug run, and just below an underage Montreal bachelor party. By Jon Stewart Read Full Story
Written by Tony on
Last night, our president delivered his first State of the Union address. It was very well received. In fact, they're saying it was the best State of the Union address ever delivered by an African-American president. By Jimmy Kimmel Read Full Story
Written by rohitjammu on
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was ... Read Full Story
Written by The_Zimbio_Team on
U.S. Senator and Republican presidential candidate John McCain's new vice presidential candidate Alaska Governor Sarah Palin speaks August 29, 2008 in Dayton, Ohio. (Photo by Mario Tama/Getty Images North America) It hasn't taken comedians long to start jabbing at John McCain's new running mate Sarah Palin.  Palin is a female governor from Alaska.  Bill Maher offered up our favorite late night jokes about Palin so far: "John McCain's VP pick is the Governor of Alaska, a unknown "Hockey Mom" named Sarah Palin that no one ever heard of before. The only other job she had in politics was as the mayor of a small ... Read Full Story
Written by TheFloridaHoosier on
From:   joke4aday.com
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a party and his host, Banta, naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Banta asked "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' Banta thought for a moment, and then ... Read Full Story
Written by Tony on
Top 10 Things You Don't Want To Hear At The Beach                         10. "You are going to have to put on a top, oh, sorry, sir"      9. "Forget about sharks, I thought I saw a tomato in the water"     8. "Due to the mortgage crisis, we're foreclosing your sandcastle"     7. "We are out of mayo; use the Coppertone"     6. "Wow, that lifeguard can really put away the gin"     5. "The water? It's about eleven miles that way"     4. "I know you're not drowning, but would you like mouth-to-mouth anyway?"     3. ... Read Full Story
 
Written by Tony on
"President Bush, this is interesting, was going to make history, he becomes the first sitting U.S. president to attend the Olympics in a foreign country. He said he's been looking forward to it, ever since he heard that in China, people are not allowed to make fun of political leaders" By Jimmy Kimmel This one was pretty good too: "President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. Again, I don’t think he really understands the Olympics that well. Like, they asked him if he liked the decathlon, and he said, no, he preferred regular coffee."  By Jay Leno Click to enlarge pictures of George W ... Read Full Story
Written by thatsme on
To celebrate tomorrow's presidential inauguration, I wanted to give you the 2009 version of the classic joke: Why did the chicken cross the road? Here it goes... BARACK OBAMA : The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change! JOHN MCCAIN : My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. SARAH PALIN : You betcha he crossed the road, but let's not talk about that, let's talk about energy policy, and how gosh darn hard it ... Read Full Story
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Yes, they seem like a great couple 98%
No, celebrity fame always destroys marriages 2%
Will the Regina Lasko and David Letterman marriage last?
5929 votes so far
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Yes, they seem like a great couple
David Letterman 46%
Conan O'Brien 43%
Who can tell funnier late night jokes?
208 votes so far
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David Letterman
Late Show with David Letterman 39%
Late Night with Conan O'Brien 21%
What's your favorite late night TV show?
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Late Show with David Letterman
Poking fun at politicians 30%
Top 10 lists 28%
What's your favorite type of late night joke?
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Leader:
Poking fun at politicians
Here are a few of our favorite Late Night Jokes with Conan O'Brien:

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

- Conan O'Brien

In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.
- Conan O'Brien

John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don't know what they're doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career.
- Conan O'Brien

CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.'
- Conan O'Brien

During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage.
- Conan O'Brien

Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn't eligible for another fifteen years.
- Conan O'Brien

Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.
- Conan O'Brien

Fish recognize a bad leader.
- Conan O'Brien

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.
- Conan O'Brien

Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood.
- Conan O'Brien

In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union.
- Conan O'Brien

In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have.
- Conan O'Brien

Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.
- Conan O'Brien
'Boston's Best' coverboy Conan O'Brien loves it out WestBoston HeraldBy Inside Track The Improper Bostonian's annual “Boston's Best” hits the stands tomorrow with the two faces of coverboy - and Brookline homey - Conan ...and more »  
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Los Angeles TimesBruno Dances Wildly For Conan O'BrienOnTheFlixSacha Baron Cohen aka Bruno made an appearance on the Conan O'Brien show to promote his new “Bruno”movie where he plays a gay, Austrian, supermodel. ...Bruno's X-rated dance for ConanThe SunVIDEO: Bruno Shoves Groin in Conan's FaceJavno.hrBorat to Bruno - Sacha Baron Cohen offends again - Tonight Show ...Examiner.comall 894 news articles »  
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The cast and band of the Tony-winning revival of Hair will make their West Coast debut with a performance on "The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien" July 13. Filming will take place July 13 during the company's day off from performances at the Al ...  
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Who's winning the battle for late-night ratings? Conan O'Brien regained the lead over David Letterman last week, reports USA TODAY's Gary Levin, as NBC's Tonight Show averaged 3.7 million viewers to CBS' Late Show 's 3.5 million. O'Brien also ...  
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William Shatner wasn't the only one "flipping the bird" on The Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien.As reported by The Shatner Project, more video has appeared online at the Shatner Project showcasing Shatner's recent appearance on The Tonight Show With Conan...  
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“Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” is almost as bad as NBC’s following show, “Last Call with Carson Daly.” Maybe it’s just because Fallon has to live up to the high standards set by Conan O’Brien, but for a late-night talk-show host, Fallon ...  
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As Conan O'Brien and David Letterman battle it out for crown of King of Late Night, it was the head of the democracy who upset this theoretical monarchy Wednesday. Part two of the Barack Obama session "Questions for the President: Prescription for America" running on "Nightline" averaged 4.25 million viewers while "The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien" got 3.66 million viewers and "The Late Show with David Letterman" drew 3.23 million viewers...  
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Other appearances ← Previous revision Revision as of 13:23, 29 June 2009 Line 100: Line 100: On June 15, 2009, Spinal Tap performed on ''[[The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien]]'' as the musical guest. On June 15, 2009, Spinal Tap performed on ''[[The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien]]'' as the musical guest. - On Saturday June 27 2009, Spinal Tap performed on the main stage at...  
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June242009From NBC.com/The Tonight Show w/Conan O'BrienBy Huffington Post / AP---Conan O'Brien And 'Tonight' Pay Tribute To Ed McMahon (VIDEO)(AP) LOS ANGELES "Tonight" host Conan O'Brien paid tribute to Ed McMahon as a "truly funny man" whose partnership with Johnny Carson on the late-night show is an indelible part of TV history."It is impossible, I think, for anyone to imagine `The Tonight  
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How do I calculate the size of meatballs?--O'Brien asks. (Credit: 'The Tonight Show' with Conan O'Brien) "How do I calculate the size of meatballs?" That was the title of one of the seminal Intel science projects that late-night comedian Conan O ...  
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Bruno made an appearance on The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien last night. He also arrived at Grauman's Chinese Theater for the premiere last night in a disco tank . Seems like all the promotion is wearing thin (though I know for some of you it ran thin a long time ago). A portion of the movie in which LaToya Jackson is duped by Bruno was cut for the premiere out of respect for the Jackson family. It's not known whether that scene will be...  
From technorati.com ()
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Chicago TribuneAn Appraisal Farrah Fawcett, a Sex Symbol Who Aimed HigherNew York TimesHer career took a detour in 1997 — that was the year of a Playboy spread and her infamous David Letterman interview, but it was also the year she played ...Farrah Fawcett leaves a legacyLos Angeles TimesFarrah Fawcett: 1947 - 2009Washington PostFawcett went from pin-up to pop-culture phenomHouston ChronicleThe Star-Ledger - NJ.com -Houston Chronicle -Houston...  
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Here are a few of our favorite Late Night Jokes with David Letterman:

I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.

- David Letterman

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.
- David Letterman

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?
- David Letterman

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
- David Letterman

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
- David Letterman

Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
- David Letterman

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.
- David Letterman

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
- David Letterman

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
- David Letterman

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
- David Letterman

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
- David Letterman

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
- David Letterman

Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.
- David Letterman

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
- David Letterman

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
- David Letterman
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