DirectorsDirectors are the least competent people in any organisation, who through a series of promotions given to them ‘just to stop them from ruining everything’, find themselves being in charge of things that they don’t understand. They get paid the most and have the most benefits, but are the least productive or accountable. Directors are the most likely to die suddenly and don’t get any sex at all. Read Full Story
Ideally a soul mate should be selected from within one’s own species. However, if I was compelled to select a companion from the animal kingdom I would chose one that was kindly, undemanding, emotionally stable and short-lived. A butterfly would be ideal. Read Full Story
As I have no budget, crew or cameras, I’ve been relying on Britain’s sinister network of surveillance cameras to do all the filming. I have already written to the police, the council, and my dentist to demand copies of all surveillance footage featuring a human lemon behaving strangely. It should arrive any day now. Read Full Story
Is your glass is always half empty? Maybe you should get a smaller glass. If life’s worries weigh heavily on your shoulders try standing on your head and remember, you’re not alone. Read Full Story
Like all great game shows the format is simple. Each week a different celebrity guest wheels a portable freezer onto the stage and answers questions from a panel who try to establish Read Full Story
A hammer or shotgun would have been ideal, but I have neither, and so I tip-toed downstairs armed with a tightly rolled up copy of the Guardian Newspaper. I prayed the intruder would be nothing more menacing than an excessively noisy fly or an intellectual, fallen on hard times. Read Full Story
I am now resolved myself to finding a new job but I’ve yet to find one with agreeable terms. They all seem to require you to turn up somewhere and do something. That’s not for me. Read Full Story
In yet another triumph of shed based engineering, I have constructed a working anti gravitation device. Thirty really powerful vacuum cleaners strapped to the ceiling counteract the effects of gravity. When the delicate balance of opposing forces is achieved I can float two feet above the ground. My device works almost too well. Last night I spent five hours trapped in mid air, unable to go up or down. I could have been there literally forever had a friendly hedg... Read Full Story
