Angiogram. Cool machine. Two pretty nurses. Wires in arm. Heart on screen. "Much to ponder."Bypass leaflet. Drugs. Waiting.links: digg this del.icio.us technorati reddit Read Full Story
They say women go for men in uniform. I have comprehensively disproved this theory having spent the last week dressed as a traffic warden. Read Full Story
Four minutes is a long time when you're freezing to death. The railway staff cheer us up by distributing hot chocolate and staging impromptu fire-eating competitions. Last week one over-enthusiastic passenger accidently set herself alight and, in her panic, stumbled into the path of the fast train to Dover. I bet she regrets paying for an annual season ticket now. Read Full Story
Broadly speaking, humans fall into two categories. You can determine which category you belong in by selecting the paragraph (below) that best describes your views and aspirations. Read Full Story
Have you ever wondered what your pet dog, pony or hamster is actually thinking? Well now you can thanks to my latest amazing invention, The Animal Thought Probe. Obviously the science is pretty complex, but basically it involves shoving a probe into the animal's head and reading out its thoughts on a laptop.I get better results when the animals are put in a mildly stressful environment, that's why I do my experiments in an abattoir. I had to slaughter nearly 500 pandas just... Read Full Story
On the day I left home mother embraced me so hard that three of my ribs snapped and I had to stay for a further four months to recover. During my bedridden captivity she tried to equip me for independent living by giving me the benefit of her own experiences. But as she'd spent her entire adult life as a U-boat commander in the Norwegian Navy and I was planning to open a Pork Pie shop, I found no practical use for anything she said. Not least because I don't speak Norwegian. When fina... Read Full Story
DirectorsDirectors are the least competent people in any organisation, who through a series of promotions given to them ‘just to stop them from ruining everything’, find themselves being in charge of things that they don’t understand. They get paid the most and have the most benefits, but are the least productive or accountable. Directors are the most likely to die suddenly and don’t get any sex at all. Read Full Story
Ideally a soul mate should be selected from within one’s own species. However, if I was compelled to select a companion from the animal kingdom I would chose one that was kindly, undemanding, emotionally stable and short-lived. A butterfly would be ideal. Read Full Story
As I have no budget, crew or cameras, I’ve been relying on Britain’s sinister network of surveillance cameras to do all the filming. I have already written to the police, the council, and my dentist to demand copies of all surveillance footage featuring a human lemon behaving strangely. It should arrive any day now. Read Full Story
