BadAppleBlogger

Hey kids, remember the time mom’s job was up for being cut and how she almost lost it?  Remember how for months she drank herself into oblivion and the whole family just sort of cringed through? Then afterward, when things were finally decided, it turned out not only that mom’s job wasn’t  cut, but she actually got her boss’s job.  Remember how everything was all okay again after that? Well kids, now is just like then, and everything is still going to be okay all over again. Just a little... Read Full Story

Ah, Springtime is in the air.  Noses are running and budgets are being trimmed to the marrow.  It’s an all out attack on the senses for someone allergic to everything they bothered to test for.  And now bad apple’s own job is up on the chopping block, like so much liver and giblets.  And no one wants to see their own giblets up there, hanging out, believe you me. Remember this, for posterity: In the Great Depression we bailed out the people, in the Great Recession we bailed out the banks... Read Full Story

Eyew-aaa, sleeew. It was the sound, I assumed, of a tooth snoring.  Not just any tooth. It was Steve, the six million dollar tooth, snoozing back behind my bicuspid. No, six million dollars is not what I personally  spent on the tooth – that figure I prefer to forget.  Naturally, with an idea like a six-million dollar tooth you know the government is behind it, spending a whole lot more than even that.  Because Steve, you see, is a Bionic tooth, better faster stronger. They’d placed it... Read Full Story

I’d like to claim I was frozen all this time, but I was merely cold. Cold and busy, working on a little project called The Redhead Roadkill Hour, a one woman show. From world wide web to little black box – and back. Hank’s still here, too. Holding on by his nippers. Only, we’ve taken the whole schtick on the road with the Roadkill Show. Anyway, if we ever get it on the actual road, I promise to let you know next time, since now I’ve worked out all the kinks, ehem. Well, I just love my bad... Read Full Story

It’s practically 2010, are you ready for the most futuristic-sounding year since 2000? I sure am not, but I am ready to start talking like Captain Kirk of the USS Enterprise.  He was so dramatic, you just can’t help feel like it’s way in the future when you say everything like him. Even simple communications take on a new futuristic drama filtered through your own version of Kirk-speak: “Scotty, are you able to you pass the dilithium crystals for my coffee? (No, Jim, we’re breaking up... Read Full Story

I finally got on facebook this weekend and I can’t believe it.  I can’t believe I’ve waited this long to find such a colossal way to dispose of time.  I really had no idea.  I had no idea that  stumbling instructionless through cyberspace could turn-up so many lost friends and relatives.  Here is where they’ve all been and why none of them will ever return an email or pick up their phones.   Why bother with obsolete one-on-one communications when you can just as easily “share” it on your... Read Full Story

If the Bad Apple wasn’t having her time stolen from her daily in order to feed the twin baby monsters named Rent and My Pie Hole, here are the fabu stories you would be reading here: Bad Vegan Food = No Blindfold This piece would utterly trash a couple of the local vegan restuaurants, one because all the food tastes like it was prepared  by the culinary equivalent of the color blind, the other because good as the food is, the “help” can hardly contain themselves from throwing it at you... Read Full Story

Well I’ll be dipped in the colonel’s secret sauce!  I just learned something ground splattering: Chicken cannibalism isn’t the new, che-che underground cult I thought it was.  That’s right.  It turns out chicken cannibalism has been known about and written about for years , at least since 2002, when Jay Rossier wrote in Living with Chickens that:   “…grown chickens will sometimes peck on their coopmates under certain circumstances, and the results can be bloodily disastrous in a very short... Read Full Story

“Burp–mmm–yum. Mmm.  Good,” muttered Steve.  A quick jump into the Lucky Creation restaurant had shut my bionic tooth up — for the moment. “Yum–mmm–foood!  Mmm- Wait!  Where’s it going?  Where’d it go!  Where it go!!!???” Steve demanded. “I swallowed it.” “Why’d you DO that?” “Listen, Steve.  We have to come to some kind of understanding.” “Food! Food! I want want food!” “Steve, Do I have your attention?” “Foo-oood!” “Steve, I didn’t get a bionic tooth so I can have some whiny... Read Full Story

Well, no sooner had Steve and I left the dentist when we got in the first little bit of a good deal of trouble.   I was waiting to cross the street when a little voice in my head said, “JUMP!”   I refrained from hopping into the oncoming Hummer’s pretty silver grill, but just barely.  What was going on here?   ”Who the hell just told me to jump,” I asked the contents of my head. “That was me,” said Steve, my bionic tooth.  ”I just wanted to see how much influence I have on you.” “Steve... Read Full Story