I finally got on facebook this weekend and I can’t believe it.  I can’t believe I’ve waited this long to find such a colossal way to dispose of time.  I really had no idea.  I had no idea that  stumbling instructionless through cyberspace could turn-up so many lost friends and relatives.  Here is where they’ve all been and why none of them will ever return an email or pick up their phones.   Why bother with obsolete one-on-one communications when you can just as easily... Read Full Story

If the Bad Apple wasn’t having her time stolen from her daily in order to feed the twin baby monsters named Rent and My Pie Hole, here are the fabu stories you would be reading here: Bad Vegan Food = No Blindfold This piece would utterly trash a couple of the local vegan restuaurants, one because all the food tastes like it was prepared  by the culinary equivalent of the color blind, the other because good as the food is, the “help” can hardly contain themselves from throwin... Read Full Story

Well I’ll be dipped in the colonel’s secret sauce!  I just learned something ground splattering: Chicken cannibalism isn’t the new, che-che underground cult I thought it was.  That’s right.  It turns out chicken cannibalism has been known about and written about for years, at least since 2002, when Jay Rossier wrote in Living with Chickens that:   “…grown chickens will sometimes peck on their coopmates under certain circumstances, and the results can be blo... Read Full Story

“Burp–mmm–yum. Mmm.  Good,” muttered Steve.  A quick jump into the Lucky Creation restaurant had shut my bionic tooth up — for the moment. “Yum–mmm–foood!  Mmm- Wait!  Where’s it going?  Where’d it go!  Where it go!!!???” Steve demanded. “I swallowed it.” “Why’d you DO that?” “Listen, Steve.  We have to come to some kind of understanding.” “Food! Food! I want want food!” ... Read Full Story

Well, no sooner had Steve and I left the dentist when we got in the first little bit of a good deal of trouble.   I was waiting to cross the street when a little voice in my head said, “JUMP!”   I refrained from hopping into the oncoming Hummer’s pretty silver grill, but just barely.  What was going on here?   ”Who the hell just told me to jump,” I asked the contents of my head. “That was me,” said Steve, my bionic tooth.  ”I just wanted to see ... Read Full Story

Yesterday, the dentist got to drilling and cementing my six million dollar tooth, and before I knew it she was making an announcement. “We’ve placed a chip in your tooth…” “What??!” I said, confused.  ”Wait, don’t you mean you removed a chip.” “No! We added a chip,” she said again, and I blinked. “You chipped my tooth?” I asked, incredulous. “NO!  Can’t you listen?” she hissed.  ”I said, R... Read Full Story

“We can rebuild it, we have the technology.” That’s what the dentist said.  What she didn’t say was how many times the tooth in question would need to be built and rebuilt, but what do you expect from a bionic tooth?  It’s going to need some upkeep.  What do you think, you just throw six mill at the tooth and it’s over?  The maintanance IS the real cost. “It will be stronger, tougher, and chew faster than any tooth in history,” she promised. Cut... Read Full Story

For all my life I’d like to write a nice normal post about how great my writing career is going over on my straight-person Website, but it always sounds so lame and I end up back over here at Bad Apple with a twisted-up lampoon of what I had started.  That’s probably because my writing career isn’t going all that well, people, and my best writing can’t hide that fact, even from myself.  And I’ve noticed lately that in this particular time and space and planet, li... Read Full Story

Things had been surprisingly quiet around here since a certain brown paper package arrived in the mail last month.  Seeing how the cannibal chickens took a major hit in their 401k of late, they seemed to be taking it far too well.  Except for the dark bags and circles around their cocks combs, they seemed about as content and at peace as any chicken who eats chicken can hope to be or should expect.  What was the secret behind the gentle satisfaction that had crept into their clucks?  What was... Read Full Story

Has the real world afflicted your Bloggerness?  I myself have a raging case of BARF, aka Blogger Afflicted by Realworld Facts.  My blogger equilibrium has been ruined for months now, and I’m so sorry.   It really sucks to have to try to get a blogger groove going again after all my previous BARFing around earlier this fiscal year.  Bloody hell, it’s like three steps forward three miles back, have you noticed?  And it’s all the fault of those greedy gas executives.  Okay, may... Read Full Story