Selective Hearing

So what makes you think you have Parkinsons Disease? replied the doctor, observing the mans tremor.

Ive developed this shake in my right hand and arm, and it bugs the hell out of me.

After asking several questions and examining his patient, the doctor had some good news, for a change. You dont have Parkinsons Disease. You have what is called a Benign Essential Tremor. Sometimes it is called a Familial Tremor because it tends to run in the family. It is a nuisance that sometimes comes with aging, but is not related to a major neurologic disease. We dont have to treat it, but if it is so bad that youre spilling your coffee, or if it is an embarrassment, we do have treatments that work nicely.

Well I dont drink coffee, doctor, but I sure would hate to spill my beer, he said with a chuckle. What kind of treatments are you talking about?

This tremor responds to all sorts of different medicines, including certain drugs we use for high blood pressure, seizures, anxiety, and and pain. We can almost always find a simple solution with little to no side effect. Even alcohol helps. Though of course we dont advise that. With alcohol you could end up with two problems instead of one. Do you want to just live with it for a while, or would you like me to prescribe something for you?

Thats alright. Thanks, doc. I can take care of it.

Back home later that night, he finally noticed his wife when she repeated her question for the third time, this time with a louder and angrier tone. ... So what did the doctor say about your shaking?!

Oh, nothing much really. He said I have Parkinsons Disease and that I should just live with it.

What?! His wife was instantly upset at the doctors flippant recommendation for such an important illness such as Parkinsons Disease. Didnt he suggest some sort of treatment, or a referral to a neurologist?!

No, but he said alcohol would help, so Im taking him up on that!

His wife did not think that was funny at all. But when the subject turned to alcohol, she had learned to just shut up.

He found out that a beer really did tone down the tremor. The doctor apparently really knew his stuff! And then he found that two beers helped even better. Three beers took the tremor entirely away.

After some time, he realized that three beers several times a day was not good for his beer belly. He became calorie conscious. For his own good health, he decided hard liquor might be better. Maybe the tremor would go away with fewer calories! Good idea!

Now lunch at the martini bar had become a regular thing. Shaken, not stirred, he told the bartender, in his best 007 impersonation, while the unimpressed bartender just rolled his eyes up in his head.

And martinis at home had also become part of his treatment program. It made sense to him that the shaking tremor of his right hand helped to mix his martini, and the martini helped the tremor. Things could be a lot worse than having Parkinsons Disease, he thought to himself in all seriousness.