Realizing My Excuses

I'm working on the post about acceptance that follows the last two, but I had a realization today that I think is important and timely. It's about how we sabotage ourselves unconsciously to prevent ourselves from stepping into unfamiliar, or uncomfortable, territory.

At the beginning of this year, I made a loud, bold commitment to step into my purpose. I surrendered and committed to doing what ever that is, no matter what. Ever since that statement came out of my mouth, people have been presenting opportunities to me in perfect alignment with my purpose. Sounds great, right?

Not so fast! I've been an introvert and confirmed isolationist all my life. Shy doesn't even begin to cover it. Now I'm being asked to do interviews, radio shows, speak at seminars, and teach classes. Life is calling me to step out in bigger and bigger ways, to come out of hiding and into greater transparency. That is more than just unnerving; it's wa,a,ay beyond my comfort zone!

While I went about my daily business and continued to write and do a little coaching, fear was working it's magic. Just when things were starting to roll, it all came to a screeching halt. I couldn't figure out what was going on because I was looking for the answer in what was going on around me, outside of me. Delving into the shadowy realm of unconscious beliefs, I found some great clues, but not the whole answer.

Then today, while talking with a fellow sojourner, it hit me. My fears and unconscious beliefs created a scenario that would make it justifiably impossible for me to step into my life's work. All this time I thought I had blocks about abundance, but it turns out that the blocks are not about finances at all. They're about visibility and worthiness.

If I do what Spirit is leading me to do, and what I said I'm ready and willing to do, then I risk making mistakes in front of a lot of people, of not being at my best, and subject myself to a lot of nervousness. It's so much easier to be brilliant from behind a keyboard... with spell check! Once you start speaking in front of an audience, it's all you, no editing. That's a whole lot different than one-on-one or written communication. There's no hiding in that.

So I guess it all comes down to being afraid to feel vulnerable and avoiding situations that have that potential. Part of the problem has been a vision I had several years ago of speaking in front of large groups of people on a regular basis. Life is now leading me in that direction, so it woke up the vision. I've been focused on the completion of that vision, not where I am now.

It turns out that I don't have to feel comfortable with the end result right now, just the step that's in front of me. If I keep my focus on what I'm most inspired to do right now, the next step will reveal itself. When it does, it won't be scary because it's only one little step beyond what I've already done. By the time I get to the fulfillment of the vision, it will be completely natural and will flow easily.

There's no fear in the step right here and now because the last step prepared me for it. And this one is preparing me for the next, which will prepare me for the next, and so on, and so on. I don't have to be ready now for the steps I take next year.

One last thought. Not taking today's steps today, makes it impossible to get to tomorrow's steps. How many dreams crashed and burned because fear of the future paralyzed the now? I can count more than a few of my own. But as long as I keep my focus on what is right in front of me, there's nothing of the future to fear. Every step that takes me from here to there is the preparation that will make it feel natural, not nerve-wracking. What a relief it is to let go of all those fears!