Friend: Halloween sucks.Me: Why would you say that?F: Because only kids get the candy.Me: If you want candy you can buy it, you know.F: Not the same thing.Me: Wny not?F: It tastes better when its free.Me: Here, take this piece.F: Great! Very yummy. Except I don't like starlight mints.Me: Then why did you take it from me?F: To remind me how fun Halloween used to be. It was kinda like Trick-or-Treat.Me: Very weird. And you aren't wearing a costume and you didn't say Trick-or-Treat.... Read Full Story
Overheard in the grocery store:Two young guys are standing in front of me, waiting to check out with their sodas and chocolate bars. Looking over an ad for the State Lottery, one young man says, "When I am 18, I am gonna buy so many lottery tickets."The other responds with, "When I am 18, I am gonna download so much porn." Read Full Story
I just read this one: If the English Language made any sense at all, then lackadaisical would seem to have something to do with a shortage of flowers--Doug Larson Read Full Story
My neighbors are too much fun. I heard the following this morning while I was brushing my teeth:Him: What in the hell do you want?Her: I need to use the bathroom.Him: But, I'm using it.Her: Well, hurry it up. I need to use it.Him: Get out of here.Her: I really need to use it.Him: You can use it when I'm done... And I plan to leave the seat up.It is possible to nearly choke on one's toothbrush. Read Full Story
My neighbors yell at each other alot. I can hear most of their quarrels. Today...Him: Hell no, you can't borrow my t-shirt. I have a great idea for you, if you want a t-shirt to wear. Do the freaking laundry. And while you are at it, wash my underwear.Her: I have a great idea if you want clean underwear. Borrow mine. Read Full Story
I ran across an ad on the Internet for a clever little device, called a "Go-Girl." What is a Go-Girl? It is a pink collapsable funnel that allows a woman to unrinate while standing up without dribbling down her legs and into her terribly expensive Gucci shoes. I was like, WTF?Then, I thought about this for a moment and realized that being able to pee while standing up could one of the greatest feminine liberators since those crazy Libbers in the 70s burned their bras. If you are... Read Full Story
OK, so I started physical therapy because my I had a backache for something like two years and I was getting damned grouchy about it. I was even grouchier when the doctor told me it was from "normal wear and tear." NORMAL? Is he kidding me? Normal to scream in agony when you sit and normal to scream in agony again when you stand up? If it was normal, wouldn't everyone be doing it?So, I started physical therapy and amazingly, my back feels better. I love going to the heated salt-... Read Full Story
