"Home Again" Part 2 Chapter 7

I left the south again...determined never to come back. Somehow I made it to my sister's house. I don't remember too much about the drive back this time other than I was crying alot. I called my sister many times during that trip. Thank God she was there for me. She told me that when I made it to her house that she had a Dr. lined up for me and that I would be OK.

When I got to her house...the guilt and shame of my failures became too much for me and I had a nervous breakdown and had to be taken to the hospital. If you've never had a nervous breakdown..they're not fun.

I woke up in the hospital after being sedated and after a few days the Dr. came to interview me. She ordered a battery of tests that were concentrated on my thinking. I did a lot of tests...seemed like forever.

The Dr. told me that I had a mental disorder...that's all I needed to hear...of course I had a mental problem...I used crack even when I knew it would kill me...I couldn't stop when I started...what a genius I thought.

She explained that my mental disorder was called manic depressive and that there was no way in hell I would ever stay sober unless the manic depressive disorder was arrested.

What a relief. I thought I found the complete answer to all of my problems. So THAT what was happening to me all along. I HAD to treat two diseases. It made sense to me because nothing else worked.

I was in the hospital for 30 days while they administered Lithium. I didn't feel any different...except that I seemed more focused and relaxed in my thinking...I didn't have the drastic "ups" and "downs" I experienced before.

I met with a great Psychologist that worked with the Psychiatrist and those two worked very hard to help me...and I was very willing to be helped.

I felt and knew the meaning of hope. Meetings were held in the hospital and I soon found myself willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober and lick this thing...no more crack or cocaine for me...the desire was gone and I was free.

Out of the hospital and living with my mother again..I pursued my solo music career and found myself writing music again. I also became a branch manager of a mortgage broker firm and had an office in the same building my brother had his office.

Man I had it made. I would visit my brother and slowly our relationship was great. I hired my sister-in-law to handle the office and my nephew to learn the trade. I got my own apartment on a lake..got a boat... a car,first a Camaro, and then a Corvette, went to visit my daughter down South and didn't care what the ex did anymore. I could care less about her.

I was finnally able to be a father for my child and we had fun together. She would spend the summers with me and on her 16th birthday I was able to buy her a car...on her 17th birthday I bought her another car...and on her 18th birthday I bought her another car...and on her 19th birthday another car...she liked cars.

What a good kid...she worked..went on to pay her own way in college and graduated. I do not take any credit for what she did..I probably did more harm than good..but she is a tough cookie.

I was off crack...what a miracle. Freedom and I knew it. I knew I had it licked this time.

The past didn't matter to me anymore..I went fishing when I wanted to...golfed when I wanted to...ahd a very successful enterprise and by golly people actually liked me. Why my family even invited me over..in fact my brother-in-law even talked to me..

I went regularly to the Dr. for therapy and after 3 years of meetings slowly disassociated myself from the AA meetings, the CODA meetings, the Al-Anon meetings that I had attended regularly for over 3 years.

One day...out of the blue...( this is important)..driving downtown in my Vette to pick up a friend from AA...the "thought" occurred to me that my problem in Memphis with Crack would not be a problem if it never ran out...that I didn't have enough of money...THAT was the problem...NOT enough of money...and now I had LOTS of money.

WOW...where did that thought come from...it went away as I drove and it was another 4 years before the thought came back.

My life was so good off of crack. I was following Drs. orders and taking my meds on time. No crack for me.

I came up with new marketing ideas for the company and the money was rolling in pretty good..considering my past.

Somewhere..I was really getting busy..and something had to go from my schedule...since I was clean and thought I was cured...I stopped all meetings and just took my meds.

At first no big deal...about six months later I met this Polish girl who was a bartender and had a glass of wine. No big deal.

After a while...I smoked a joint with a customer..at first no big deal..but then I eventually smoked pot like cigarettes...one before coffee...one on the way to work. one at coffee break...one at lunch...one on the way home...two at night and oblivion.

I threw in drinking scotch (only two a night) for good measure since the bar was across the street and I didn't have to drive,...therefore guaranteeing me sleeping, and not getting a DUI.

I controlled it so well...high dollar cologne, great mouthwash and great performance on the job making other people money...and NO DESIRE for CRACK..even drunk...NOW I really had it made...finally I hit the jackpot...how could life get any better ?

I had the PERFECT MIX...pot, scotch...fishing...golfing...music...money and a Corvette with a pad on the lake with a boat on at the dock. I never really made a complete fool out of myself drinking becuase I couldn't stand to lay down and the room spinning around...and since I was making money...who was to stop me anyway ?

I knew I was a crack addict...but not an alcoholic....pothead was out of the question...I knew I "could" stop...but why ? I was having fun and nobody was on my rear end.

After a while the two scotches a night became 4 and then 5...almost every night....except when I needed to be "sharp" the next day...like smoking 6 joints a day would make someone "sharp"...but that's how my mind worked.

All the while I was taking Lithium on time...no problem there cause I thought it was saving my butt from crack.

Oh...addcition is so patient.

The reality of the situation is that from the time I took that first glass of wine the following events occurred from the decisions I made under the influence of alcohol and pot.

A.) I married the Polish girl because she needed a green card to stay in the U.S. and I needed companionship and she had perfect credit and mine was shot to hell. My plan was to use her and she would get what she wanted and I got what I wanted...a Corvette

B.) I had an affair with an employee who later sued the firm for sexual harrasment and our firm had to pay a hefty sum of money.

C.) I chose to cheat my clients by not treating them fair in order to keep up my lifestyle.

D.) I eventually ruined the office and business because of drugs and alcohol.

All the while I thought I was invincible. I could do whatever I wanted to...whenever I wanted to...and on the same day be the most laid back..charming individual who had no problems.

I was running from me...trying to get over me..all the time. I hated me...

And then it happened...we'll turn the page here.

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So many good things happen to you when you are in recovery...for real. The lying..cheating...jekyl and hyde eventually dissapate when the 12 steps are taken and practiced.

No matter what one has done because of addiction...someone..somewhere has done the same or worse..and a sense of healing begins when the connectivity begins.

Today I haven't used....went to a great meeting and although times are difficult to the point of not knowing where the next meal is coming from...I am compelled to share my troubles, hope and faith with others...which in turn is helping me stay sober today.

Maybe I could help somebody today. At least the effort was made.

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