Five-word synopsis: Good only from certain angles.

So t- wait a second, William Defoe goes by “Willem” Defoe? When did that happen? Is he re-inventing himself as a hapless Dutch boy?

Well, whatever his name is, he’s in this movie. Anamorphic paintings are pretty damn cool, I’ll give you that. But I wish people would stop making horror movies just because they found something neat on Wikipedia. “Wow, the Caspian War was a real hum-dinger! I know, we shall make a murder-mystery, and all the killer’s clues shall be in the form of trivia about Caspia!” Please, no. Don’t do that. Have a plot and characters first, then enthrall me with your acumen.

Actually, weren’t the anamorphs a group of kids who transformed into animals and battled pod people from outer space? Why couldn’t Willem Defoe have been in THAT movie instead? He could play the evil bug emperor, dressed up in a big canvas Gwar costume with tentacles and acid shooting from his stingers. It would be great, both for the audience and his career. I mean, he’s been in so many ridiculous roles the last few years- from Spiderman, where he played a scenery-chewing Green Goblin; to The Boondock Saints, where he played a character that, against all sound advice, was in The Boondock Saints- that making ridiculous cameos Christopher Walken style could only help his career.

F+