Dear (Midwestern) Mom…

Dear (Midwestern) Mom,

I know you have been smoking since you were 12 years old, but it’s time to give it up. You’re only 48 years old, but you look more like 65 years old. I also find it very unhealthy that you cough more than  you smile and you can no longer take the one flight of stairs to get to your office at work. You shouldn’t have to take the elevator…it’s only 7 steps. I know you claim that you “have to” take the elevator because of your “bad knees,” but I don’t remember you knees being “bad” back when you weren’t 100 pounds overweight and on a first name basis with the employees at Taco Bell. All I’m saying is that you may want to stop pounding the Mountain Dew and Marlboros and start taking care of yourself. A little water and a salad never killed anyone. I know you don’t think a meal is a meal unless it includes nacho cheese, but it’s time for you to clean up your act. So please mom, get healthy. If you stop smoking now, your lungs may be able to go from black to gray. And if you start eating better you may no longer have to buy two seats for your one ass on each flight you take.

With love and concern that you’ll need an iron lung very soon,

Your son.