I AM THINKING about organising and producing a concert. It is not the sort of thing that I have ever done before but it will be very cosmopolitan and daring so should attract a lot of attention. The beano will kick off with a performance of Verdi’s Requiem performed by a choir of prostitutes and transvestites, that should get the audience in the right frame of mind for the remainder of the evening. That will be followed by a rousing rendition of the 1812 Overture by a comb and tissue paper en... Read Full Story

THE CUSTOMS officers at Los Angeles Airport were a bit suspicious of Michael Plank when he rolled up at their desk. Finding his booty did not really tax their skills – he had 15 live lizards strapped to his chest. The 40 year-old alleged reprobate had a couple of geckos, the same number of monitors and 11 skinks about his body. That particular horde of illicit cargo must have contributed to a comfortable long-haul flight. He had come all the way from Australia with that little lot concealed a... Read Full Story

OF ALL the socks I have got through in a lifetime I have never yet come across a pair that came with a half-way decent set of instructions. Cutlery is the same. When was the last time that you bought a new knife and fork that came with a little booklet that told you exactly how to use them? A long time, if ever, I’d bet. Manufacturers are getting away with blue murder in their feverish drive to cut costs. When we buy a product surely we are entitled to be given specific advice and guidance on... Read Full Story

A FEW ferocious cats have been released amongst a whole flock of tethered pigeons by the findings of a Spanish research project which reports that increased alcohol consumption lessens the chance of a heart attack in men. It even dares to suggest that you more you knock back the greater your chances of keeping a healthy ticker banging away in your chest. So I should live to be about 150 and old Jed along at the Goat and Compasses is set for eternal life. Needless to say our Association of Pry... Read Full Story

AT LAST a school that is straight about things. The Rosewood Middle School in Goldsboro, North Carolina was proposing to offer extra points in tests in return for cash. Now that is what you might call the free market. Let it rip – you want an A grade? How much have you got? The head teacher, or principal as they describe her, one Susie Shepherd and her parent advisory council dreamed up the fund-raising wheeze as a means of raising the wind, well it certainly saves going to all the trouble of... Read Full Story

I HAD always thought that the town of Wuppertal in Germany to be one of the most boring places I had ever visited. To say that nothing much happens there would be to flatter the place to excess. Now it has been the scene of one of the strangest crimes of recent years. A bunch of the locals went out and stole a lion. Yes, a real live roaring, mauling and biting king of the jungle. Just the sort of thing that could be easily disposed of for ready cash just about anywhere in Europe. The other ni... Read Full Story

IMAGINE THIS, you have got to go to court to answer a car theft charge, your only transport has been impounded by the cops. So what do you do? Easy, steal another car. That is exactly what Samuel Botchvaroff of Vallejo in California did. Unfortunately for him an eagle-eyes Highway Patrol officer, Chris Linehan, spotted the hot vehicle had one of those electronic tracing devices working so nicked Samuel and slung him in the Solano County lock-up. I don’t feel all that sympathetic but for some ... Read Full Story

A FRENCH company that flogs bits-and-pieces on the internet had the perfect publicity stunt lined-up; they planned to shower cash from the top of a bus in the centre of Paris. It came as a complete shock when a crowd turned up for the event. After an extensive campaign advising the populace at large that cash was to be handed out willy-nilly some 5,000 onion sellers, grape treaders and excitable taxi drivers thronged the streets around the Parisian version of Blackpool Tower, blocking the tra... Read Full Story

IN A SINGLE STROKE of genius all the problems that my wife, children and grandchildren face each time they try to choose a Christmas or birthday present for me have been solved. A man, I don’t know his name, has proved himself to be one of history’s true greats and has come with a scheme so simple and yet so useful and needed that it takes my breath away. From now on I can now open much smaller parcels and instead of piling up the socks, lining up the bottles of after shave or smiling at the... Read Full Story

IT MAY bring tears to a few eyes but I must tell you that in this country £470million worth of wine is being poured down the drain each year. Your contribution to that total may well be higher than you might imagine because none at all is going down ours. The figure has been calculated by that worthy body the Waste and Resource Action Programme (WRAP) who are advisors to the government, No, I had never heard of them before either. That is an awful lot of plonk swilling around our sewers and I... Read Full Story