Send in the Clones

Yesterday’s stinging defeat in the 23rd Congressional District in upstate New York, has forced Republicans to do a little introspection and examine the future course of the party.

While political pundits and analysts believe the Republicans lost an historically Republican district because of internal fissures within the party–pitting conservatives against moderates–Republican insiders believe they lost the seat to a Democrat because their candidate wasn’t seen as conservative enough.

In an interview with ABC News, Republican Party Chairman Michael Steele said the GOP had lost the New York district because the third party candidate Doug Hoffman was not a true conservative. He offered as evidence of his liberal values that Hoffman did not believe in rounding up homosexuals and putting them in detention camps, which ultimately cost him the race. Steele also said Hoffman still believed enough in science to not question gravity or a sun-centric solar system, which made conservatives distrust him as they read tea leaves and chicken innards to divine the future. Finally Steele said Hoffman also did not believe in nuking every other country on earth, which made him seem like a liberal pansy and soft on defense.

Steele suggested the party might look at alternatives for the 2010 mid-term elections to ensure that every candidate had as pure a conservative pedigree as possible. When asked to elaborate, Steele attempted to hold his cards to his vest, but then coyly smiled and gave a glimpse at the 2010 strategy.

“Clones,” Steele said with his trademark toothy grin. “We will create an army of clones, which will run in every race from Maine to California, winning every possible seat.”

When asked after whom these clones would be created Mr. Steele just laughed and said “Limbaugh and Palin, baby!” At which point he broke into an impromptu rap about sending his clone army to fight the Sith and their Dark Master, Emperor Obama.

The interviewer asked the Chairman if creating clones wasn’t somewhat unethical, considering the GOP’s previous stance against stem cell research. Steele replied “you gotta’ break some eggs to make an omlet, baby, even if those eggs are human!” Steele then started to break dance on the set, at which point the interview as concluded.

Time will tell whether an army of Palin and Limbaugh clones will be able to save the Republican Party. But one thing is certain, unless the party platform is reinforced, most of the Limbaughs will fall through from their enormous collective weight. In addition, all future Republican strategy memos will have to be written in crayon and illustrated with many pretty pictures if the party hopes of communicating with an army of Palins.