A Proud Gift of Poo – Floor Delivery Available

Have you ever walked into your kid’s room early in the morning and spotted the shape of something all too familiar on the floor in the darkness? You hope you’re just having a nightmare, but know the chances of that are slight.

The immediate dread that sweeps over you as you recognize the shape of the foreign matter is mind blowing. What’s even worse is when you realize it’s a fat pile of warm shit, freshly deposited by your almost 3 year old son.

Why the hell would he shit on the floor of his room, yet care enough to wipe his ass and throw the soiled toilet paper in the toilet? Doesn’t make any sense to me.

It’s not just another day

The day seems normal when I wake from the typical mundane banging of the doors at 6:30 every morning. I put on some clothes and meandered silently down the hall to see what was going on. I was prepared to tell my kid to go back to bed and watch TV for a little while since it was too early to be up on a Saturday.

My son was in the bathroom, naked, trying to wipe his ass, as usual for this time of the day. He was inspecting the poo on the tissues carefully, and depositing each ply into the toilet, one by one. Even more oddly, he was seemingly singing to the poo stained towelettes on their way to their pool of doom. Whatever. At least he was trying to wipe his own butt this time. The toilet had been running, so I figured he had already flushed the poo down, since there was none in the toilet.

He usually leaves his crusty poo butt for me to clean up an hour after he’s done his business. I thought this day was no different, and I quietly went into the bathroom to help him with the remaining mess. We washed our hands and I walked him back across the hall to his room.

My day just got worse

I opened the door to his room and told him to get his shorts on and lie down. I turned on the TV and noticed the familiar shape on the floor, smack in the middle of his room. I couldn’t even believe what I was seeing. I flipped on the light, as I was sure it had to be something else, and nope, it was what I thought it was.

I don’t know if my initial reaction was anger, disbelief, or laughter. The last thing I wanted him to think was that I was laughing about it. I had to think about it for a second and make sure it wasn’t one of the dogs. No, they were all locked up in different rooms of the house during the night.

Ok, so my potty trained 2 ½ year old kid shit on the floor of his room. Why? What on earth prompted him to do this?

I stood there in disbelief, staring at the pile. I had to deal with this tactfully, and it was too early to even think, let alone exhibit tact.

“Matthew, what is this on the floor?”

He brilliantly stated, “It’s poo, Mommy.”

I said,  “I see that it’s poo, Matthew, what is it doing on the floor of your room? Why isn’t it in the toilet?”

He said, “I made poo on da foor, Mommy.”

I stared at him, and back at the poo, and back at him. I repeated, “Why did you do that?”

He had no answer for me, as I expected. He just stared at me blankly.

I told him, “I’m going to clean this up now and put it in the toilet where it should have been put in the first place. I don’t expect to see you ever do this again. You know where poo goes, right?”

He said, “yes, poo goes in da toilet, Mommy.”

“That’s great. He knows where poo goes. I can’t believe I have to deal with this today.”

I went to get tissues to clean it up. I was fine, other than nauseous from the poo on the floor. I didn’t want to make a big deal of it to further encourage this behavior. It was when I bent down to clean it up and he started laughing at me that I had a problem.

I asked him if he was laughing at me. He nodded his head with a big smile. That was a mistake.

I asked him, “ Do you think it’s funny I have to clean up your poo?” He again nodded.

He got a swift pop on the butt. I asked him again, “Do you think it’s funny now?” He started to cry. Hopefully, he got the point that it’s really not funny, something I certainly don’t approve of, and isn’t encouraged to be done again. And laughing at me was no laughing matter right now.

I told him, “Don’t ever do this again. If you ever do it again, you will clean it up. It’s your poo, you know it’s supposed to go in the toilet, and if it ever happens again, you will clean it up.” I asked him if he understood, and he agreed that he did.

I told him to stay in his room until a little later and wait for me to come and get him, and I went back to bed.

Not that I could sleep. I lay there thinking how other parents have told me horror stories of their child’s defecation issues and I was always so proud to never have had those issues. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was about to start having problems, and that my son was about to regress from his potty training.

What’s all the stink about?

So, why do kids do this? I know most kids go through this “poo and pee” stage, where they are curious about their bodily functions. I know they like having something they can control, especially when they have little control over anything else in their lives, being the ages they are. Was that it?

Maybe something has upset him. Maybe I’ve made him upset or feel insecure in some way. Maybe he just did it to see what would happen, how I would react, who would find it first, and what the repercussions would be. Maybe he just wanted to do it.

Regardless of the reason, nothing that I know of has happened to him that would make him feel like he would need to do this.

At least I’m not alone. I should feel lucky to never have had to deal with excretory issues from my 2 year old. He’s never given me a single problem since he’s been fully potty trained for the past 6 months.

I guess maybe I shouldn’t expect so much out of him.

If I could only be so lucky, it was a one time, solitary occurrence, never to happen again.

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