Lies Were the Foundation of My Childhood - Why Does My Mother Resent Me?

I’m sure it all started before I was even born. The lies to my grandmother. The lies from my grandfather. Everything was a secret. I’m still not sure to this day why. I just remember lying being the accepted norm. My grandmother would just accept the fact that she was intentionally kept in the dark, and my mother was adamant about being a control freak.

Why the need to lie about so much?

My grandfather was a realtor broker. He was constantly on the phone making “deals” in the quest for his millions he vowed to have. He managed to buy and sell, and lost deal after deal on pure foolishness alone.

It was always about the almighty dollar. Nothing else mattered. I remember getting screamed at if I were to make a peep when the news came on. We ate in silence with my grandfather’s one eye glued to the TV- He lost the other one in a construction accident.

Too many things were left unsaid. Topics were changed mid sentence and decisions seemed to be left to simmer while things remained tense during that time. There was always a lot of yelling.  “Business Things” weren’t spoken about in that household for the “protection” of everyone involved. Is that where my mother could have learned this nonsense?

Is she still angry today because she was raised like I was?

I believe my mother saw me as a competitor. Both of us seemed to vie for my grandmother’s attention and love, and I seemed to win that one hands down. I was a baby, my grandmother raised me until I was ten, and I only wanted to be with her. I think the resentment against me started when I started to live with my grandmother. I even called her “mom” since I could talk. No one ever corrected it, and it just stuck. My mother was called, “mother.” I know I would have been unhappy with that situation if I were in my mother’s shoes. I would have made sure that didn’t happen though. My mother didn’t seem to care.

My mother was always hard willed, stubborn, and cold. I don’t think she ever really loved me. I think she was playing the role for social reasons, when in fact, I believe she resented me. She couldn’t let my grandmother think she did, but my grandmother was kind of clueless at times, too. There is no way I’ll ever be able to prove this, but it really is how I feel. It’s an indescribable feeling.

I always envied the other kids with “cool moms.”  I know things in life aren’t fair, but this subject really hit home with me, and I’ve never understood how other parents could be so fun, jovial, relaxed, happy, and interested in their kid’s lives when my parents seemed to care less. I feel like I paid the price of resentment in invisible light. I was always sent to private schools, had large birthday parties and holidays with abundant gifts, and looked to be healthy, happy,  and bright. Inside, I was miserable. No one on the outside looking in could see it.

There was always an excuse in my household. “I’m sick, too tired, have to work, have a headache, have a stomachache” – the list went on forever and for infinity throughout my childhood. No one was ever happy around me. Well, the kids with happy parents were, but that was it. I had to learn vicariously through them what it meant to be happy, but it only made me more depressed.

Why does she have to lie to me?

Since day one, she’s been lying to me. When I was 2, she would tell me she was taking me over to my grandmother’s when she couldn’t get me to sleep at night, knowing the car ride would knock me out, and knowing I wanted to be with my grandmother.

I wonder if she’s angry with herself because she’s a pathological liar? She’s still lying to me now, and I’m in my late 30’s. Why would she bother to do this unless it’s so ingrained in her head that that is what she’s supposed to do, that she is subconsciously restricted from  telling the truth.

She gets rid of things that matter to me without telling me for months, until it’s brought up - by me, and she then feels pressure to say something. She makes terrible decisions that are rash, insane, and without my knowledge. She’s still hiding things from me.

She sold a piece of property that her and I both grew up on because the market is bad? The property is on an island!!  What the hell was she thinking? This is not the time to sell a property that has been in our family for over 100 years! She doesn’t need the money. She needs to use her brain, or what’s left of it.

I had repeatedly told her throughout the years that all I cared about from my inheritance was this piece of property. I wanted to retire there. It’s a very prestigious island location in the heart of Fort Lauderdale, and a very gay and lesbian area as well. This was where I wanted to retire and live out the rest of my life when I got old. I wanted to live here, by the water, just as my grandparents and great grandparents had. I wanted to sit on the intercoastal wall and watch the boat parade with my partner and my son some year. Now, I will never be able to do that. My island property, and my dream is dead.

I would never have done that to my kids. I couldn’t imagine not talking to my kids about my plans, thoughts, or concerns. If I knew that one of them wanted a piece of property I owned, that had been in our family for over 100 years, I would have made sure to include them in my thoughts concerning the property. I wouldn’t have sold it out from under them, then lied for months by not telling them that I sold it.

How could a parent do this to her own child?

I think this is the most selfish, inconsiderate, ruthless thing that could be done to a person. We have no other family left – everyone else is dead. What kind of a mother could do this to her child - her only child?  It’s just the two of us.

Even worse, what kind of person does she think I am if she has to lie to me about something this important? Does she think I’m evil or corrupt? Does she really hate me as I’ve suspected my whole life? Is she trying to make me pay for the “trouble” I caused her as a child and adolescent? I was one of the best kids around. I was just depressed.

You are supposed to protect your children and the assets you own for them, for their future. You are not supposed to sell their dreams and singe them to the core.

Trust has always been huge to me, as I believe it’s the foundation of everything our relationships are made of. Without it, there is nothing. I was never entrusted by anyone in my family to know or be involved with anything. I wasn’t “mature enough”, “old enough”, or it was simply, “none of your business.” These lies were the initial betrayal of my ability to trust.

My mother has never known me, and will probably never know me. She can’t open her heart enough to know herself, let alone know her only child.

It’s my turn to be the parent - I won’t make the same mistakes

I’m instilling in my kids to not lie because there is no reason to. If I hear something unfavorable they are doing, I will try to negotiate, support, remedy, help, etc., but I will not help them if they lie to me. I will shut them down and they will feel the damage they have done - they will learn valuable lessons through making mistakes and hopefully the same mistakes won’t happen again.

I don’t ever want my kids to go feeling unloved. It’s important for them to feel safe, loved, and included in the family. I involve them in decisions that they are capable of handling, depending on their age and mental capability. I would not think to ignore their needs to feel like an important part of the family just because they were young. One day they will have families of their own and will need to know how to make decisions from what their parent’s have taught them. I don’t want to deprive them of basic needs. I don’t have the heart to hurt them like that, knowing what I went through.

I don’t want them growing up like I did in a cold, unloving atmosphere, with lies constantly circulating in the air around me. I want to be the opposite of that for them.

And I am the opposite of that.

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