Dreams, all of them gone

Yesterday was a hard day to get through. Everything was painful, everything brought tears to my eyes. silly things, you know. One thought that made me well with tears was the thought that someone wanted to talk with me, someone was grateful for my openness about how the illness has affected my life. It made them feel not so alone, and I thought wouldn't that be nice Paul, to help someone not feel so alone. The tears welled up in me. The thought that I could touch a life. Then more thoughts fallowed.

Thoughts about a child that I could have had. Thoughts about being the dad I wanted to be. I had a chance you know, she was pregnant but a doctor took it away. It hurt you know, really bad. I wanted to watch her grow up. I wanted to be a good dad, I wanted to make her life happy, I just wanted a family. God I wanted that child so bad. I would have been a good dad. I've got alot of love to give. I guess sometimes are dream are taken from us. I don't think I'll try again, no not again.

all I could think was, wasn't yesterday a better day

The pain was so strong. It wouldn't go. I kept crying, it wouldn't go it wouldn't stop, the waves of pain kept coming

The people I've loved who left me. I love them all still, I love them so much.

I wanted the pain to end. I grabbed my pills, good I still had some xanax bars left. They thought they had flushed them all. I crushed up 2.5mg and snorted it quickly but still preserving the dignity of the action. Then I grabbed a glass of wine, and lit a cigarette.

No more pain, no more hurt, only numbness only void. But still I thought wasn't yesterday a better day.