“My fellow Americans, I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.” — Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on. “I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job” — George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign. “This is a great day for France!” — Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle’s funeral. &... Read Full Story

Two guys from Chicago, Illinois die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, ‘What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?’ The two guys reply, ‘Well, you know, we’re from Illinois, the land of ice and snow and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know.’ The devil gets a little steamed u... Read Full Story

A Japanese family just arrived in the United states and stays at a moderate hotel in New York. As they ride up the elevator to their suite, a gentleman gets in at the next floor. Stunned by the beauty of the Japanese daughter, the man tries to communicate with her, only to find she speaks no English. Undeterred, the man asks the father if he could take his daughter to dinner. Having some English experience from his many business trips to the states, the father communicates to the daughter and... Read Full Story

George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” He said “No.” Then they said “All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along... Read Full Story

A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factory where he had just been hired. The plant manufactures various latex products, and has a reputation for using cutting edge technology in its manufacturing process. On one side of the building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise, and the shift manager asked his tour guide what it was doing. As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise. he said The popping sound is from... Read Full Story

conversation before marriage… He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait. She : Do you want me to leave? He : No! Don’t even think about it. She : Do you love me? He : Of course! Over and over! She : Have you ever cheated on me? He : No! Why are you even asking? She : Will you kiss me? He : Every chance I get. She : Will you hit me? He : Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person! She : Can I trust you? He : Yes. She : Darling! To read a conversation after marriage, simply re... Read Full Story

No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence just as soon as you touch pen to paper. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats... Read Full Story

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. -He thought he was God and I didn’t. 2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me! 4. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them. 5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6. Don’t take life too seriously–no one gets out alive. 7. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 8. B... Read Full Story

Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our nose hair. Better for them, better for us. Still, it’s annoying that women spend more time and money trying to understand the minds of cats than they do wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why they’ll never understand… Our consuming need to own the biggest an... Read Full Story

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, “Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?” The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, “OK.” And sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, “Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.” The same stranger moves to his side and says, “Would i... Read Full Story