you have not heard from me for a while. i am chiseling out words for the upcoming book. if this sounds vainglourious, it is not. the toll of a scribe is not to be admired. i work alone with myself, and we do not get along. there are no barries between me and myself. we argue, we disagree, we are seldom happy with our efforts.i turn to me and i ask, "what do you think of this paragraph?" "it sucks," is always the response. but i continue to push aphabetic buttons to create ... Read Full Story

I am throwing my DKNY jeans with pre-designed holes, my kangaroo hat, and my crocs, my tattered tee shirts, my Calvin Klein boxers and my Capri’s into the ring. This symbolizes my new attempt, stated here for the first time, that I am running for president. Somebody with a modicum of common sense, from the rank and file of the proletariat, must speak out straight talk and seek office. D.C. was never expected, but neither was grey hair.Below are some of my stellar qualifications:I have a ba... Read Full Story

Molto caldoMolto costosoMolto ammucchiatoAbbastanza belloEt la pizza delicieuse (that’s French, were you paying attention?)When in Roma, keep roaming. A couple of weeks ago I flew to Roma on a direct flight from Newark. As usual, we were in the plane two hours, until the antiquated NJ runway, notice not plural, permitted us to leave. It was a six hour flight, so we landed, of course, on time, the way only the airlines can pad it.We cued up on customs lines in Roma and with passport in hand, t... Read Full Story

You remember this tune from the ‘Wizard of Oz’. Now, sing along:TO THE MELODY: IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN, heart, nerve:She could wile away the hoursLooking at the mirrorReflecting in vainAnd we all don’t give a damnIf Hill’s a woman or a manIf she only had a brainAnd Bill is in the middle,Searching for a littleSomething of the same(Poet)We know you’re not together,Your skins are made of leather,Neither have a brainAnd then there is ObamaSame road as M.C. HammerAnd Edwards lost the gameHe walks ... Read Full Story

Dear Mr. Bush,I am an apolitical deist, who views politics and prayer books as an alcoholic considers coca cola. So do not be chary of my agenda, I have none. I do have a suggestion, failsafe; that may remedy what the world believes is the impending Armageddon. I refer, naturally, to the Middle East crisis and its worldwide repercussions. Now that we know that the outdated and useless United Nations are impotent and the loco leader from Venezuela and the irate president of Iran are relaxi... Read Full Story

‘50Still 18But with 32 years experience’From a tee shirt displayed in a shopAs the readers of this column may know, this past January, I walked out my front door to find the AARP train. I looked inside and saw my new community, older people. I have had six months to contemplate this. I have come to a profound conclusion, I is aged.The problem is; I only understand it on a conceptual level. In real life, I still am cool (I think ‘fresh’ is the current synonym). Let me offer some examples. When... Read Full Story

Gas prices will soon be $5 a gallon. Airlines will consolidate and reduce flights. You need to get away, perhaps for a long weekend or more. Whatcha gonna do? I have the answer. As a travel writer for the Michelin (sorry, Manishevitz) guide, I have a five Star of David destination. Excited? Hold on, I have to fill this page with at least 800 words.Pack lightly, summer clothes, even colors that do not coordinate, or striped shirts with checkered pants. I am sending you to a place where... Read Full Story

I need a vacation. A writer seldom receives time off. The mind keeps churning like a broken clothes drier that never turns off. Stephen King suggests in a book about authorship that a scribe must read and write twelve hours each day (his scariest discourse yet). Of course, I picked spring break to pursue the book I am manufacturing, genius that I am. Typically, a writer seeks some kind of temporary peace and locale to accomplish this. I try to pursue a little holiday interval to coincide with... Read Full Story

From the cradle to the cradleDavid SethIt is April 2. I am sitting on the couch in front of a flat screen TV. My mother is on the other side of the pastel colored living room putting the pieces of a puzzle successfully together. Beside me are two chairs, one with a back support cushion that can be bought at Target. My father is sitting on this chair and his friend Joe is reclining on the other. The respective ages of these men are ticking quietly and quickly towards 78 and 80 years old. By so... Read Full Story

you can shine you're shoes and wear a suityou can comb your hair and look quite cuteyou can hide your face behind a smileone thing you can't hideis when you're crippled insideRichard Jenni committed suicide this past week. He was a young Italian comic from Brooklyn. The tribute to him was minor, although he received more than most. Do you remember Spalding Gray, Lenny Bruce, Freddy Prince, John Belushi, and Andy Kaufman? These comedians determined that death was more comforting th... Read Full Story