Out of Control Children?–Rebalancing Power in Your Family

The covers of Time and Newsweek have described parents as living in “mayhem” and “madness” with their children. TV’s Supernanny regularly captures kids wildly, unbelievably out of control. How did our families get to such a state?  Peacemaking begins in the home and if kids are out of control there, what can we expect in school and later in careers and workplaces.  Dr. Beth Grosshans, a clinical psychologist and author of the newly released book Beyond Time Out: From Chaos to Calm, is here to help us gain the power to restore peace and dignity with unruly and out of control children in ways that do not involved spanking or abuse of power.

Dr. Grosshans is currently in private practice in Princeton, NJ, where she works with children, adolescents, and families. She received her Masters and Doctoral Degrees from The Ohio State University and completed her Clinical Internship at Children’s Hospital Boston and The Judge Baker Children’s Center of Harvard Medical School.  Dr. Grosshans provides consultation to Montessori school personnel and parents as a child behavior specialist.
 
In her 16 years of practice, Dr. Grosshans learned that the common denominator of parental descriptions of chaos within families, centered around the concept of power.  When kids had more power than their parents, the imbalance of family power led to incredible dysfunction.  Amazingly, Dr. Grosshans learned that when parents reasserted leadership and brought back power to themselves, all of the bad behaviors and symptoms of the children went away.
The power ingredient in family dynamics is not well understood. Dr. Grosshans tells Doug that power is a positive force.  Kids are hardwired to want power, to test what it is, and to figure out what gives them influence in the world.  Typically, the quest for power in children is initiated by the mother child relationship.

Dr. Grosshans and Doug’s talk about five core aspects about power in the family.

• Parents are naturally and inherently more powerful than their children.
• Kids are hardwired to seek out power.
• Kids resist what they need the most, guidance, leadership and restraint.
• Families are always a hierarchy — they are not democracies.  The parents must always be on top.
• No matter how smart or precocious kids are, they do not use power well.

The central question is, how do parents get past yelling, screaming, and threatening to reassert power over children.  Kids learn that their bad behavior is a powerful trigger.  This is an unconscious process.  Most kids are not intentional or malicious when they are acting out their power struggles.  The key for parents is to understand that a child cannot lead a parent out of an imbalance in family power.  The parent has the sole responsibility for reestablishing power in the family.

Dr. Grosshans talks about a five step process that she calls The Ladder.  The the first three rungs of the ladder are:

• Making A Friendly Bid for Cooperation.  This is done by asking a child to do something or stop doing something in a tone of voice that is nice, and invites cooperation.
• ”I Mean Business ” reminder.  If the child is not comply after Rung 1, Dr. Grosshans recommends that the parent change the tone of voice to a much more firm stance.
• In The Bedroom.  In this third step, parents must move from words to action.  In this case, a parent would, for example, move close to the child, and escort the child to a bedroom.  The problem is the parents rely too much on talking and reasoning to elicit cooperative behavior.  Children are simply incapable of responding rationally when a power struggle is in play.

The last two rungs in the ladder are:

• Shut The Door.  This step is used when a child is resisting a timeout or is disobedient and wants to run out of room.  The child is restrained without physical force, but by simply shutting the child in.
• The Parent Hold.  When child is really acting out, the conventional wisdom of parental guidance says to walk away.  Dr. Grosshans tells Doug to do the opposite.  Approach the child approached a child with love and pull him or her close and a loving embrace.  Hold the child until she calms down.

Understanding power, and the five aspects of power will help parents regain peace and harmony within their families.