John McCain Picks Running Mate: Sarah Palin (um … google her?)

John McCain has finally chosen his running mate. And in a selection which has stunned both republican and democratic parties alike, Sarah Palin (pronounced with a long ‘A’) is his choice. Since we haven’t really heard of her, EAT MY PRESS decided to investigate. What follows are the pros and cons of said selection:

Sarah Palin as possible Vice President of the United States, pros (As republicans see it):

1. Is a working mother of five children: Gender Equality, check!
2. Oldest son is set to be deployed to Iraq in September: Military Service, check!
3. Youngest son, born in April, has down syndrome which she was made aware of through genetic testing very early on: Pro-Life, check! (And applause from EMP, by the way).
4. Is an avid hunter and member of the National Rifle Association: Pro-Gun, check!

Sarah Palin as possible Vice President of the United States, cons (as EMP sees it):

1. Approves off-shore drilling for oil in Alaska: Anti-Alternative Energy Seeker, check!
2. Says global warming is not caused by anything that humans do: Anti-Global Warming, check!
3. Is a … governor … of only 2 years … of Wasilla, Alaska, a town of roughly 5,500 people: Total Inexperience, check!!
4. Has only briefly met John McCain on one occasion: A Right-Wing Ploy, check!
5. Has 5 kids whose names (Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, Trig) rival, and perhaps trump in awfulness “He-Who-We-Do-Not-Speak-Of”: BNCRR (Bad Naming Condition of Rich Republicans), check!
6. Recently was quoted as saying: “VP? What’s that job look like on a daily basis?”: Totally Out of Touch, check!
7. Was psychotically behind “Pat Buchanan For President” in 1996: No comment, check!
8. Was back to work three days after the birth of her 5th child: Something Odd To Prove, check!

Really, this list could go on and on. But as our surprise and shock here mulch into a delicious stew of ‘chilled republican party demise’, we’re content watching the weather channel and hoping that if in fact New Orleans is battered again by the new storm that’s brewing (God forbid), that the Republican party has the forsight and decency to cancel its convention and not once again leave massive amounts of US citizens utterly stranded.

It is ironic timing though, no?