Authenticity and Clarity - Manifesting a New Life

I was part of the Manifest Mastermind group and it opened my eyes to new parts of myself.

I recently got an internal message to start living in my authenticity - no more facades or pretenses, no more trying to please other people by projecting what I think they would like. From here on out, I’m laying it all on the table and being me exactly the way I am, and if people don’t like it too bad.

This blog and some other recent work is an expression of that authenticity. Self esteem and authenticity are closely intertwined issues.

Much of my adult life, I have been reaching out to other people to fill a void within me without realizing it. But I know this now. And of course, it is impossible for any person to fill another’s void. I’ve learned what that void was, by the way.

I have often said affirmations in my life along the lines of:

“I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”

“I am whole and complete, there is nothing I need to change.”

For many years I sang this song - first to my kids and then to myself:

A Unity Song: I Love Myself The Way I Am

I love myself the way I am, there’s nothing I need to change.
I’ll always be the perfect me, there’s nothing to rearrange.
I’m beautiful and capable, of being the best me I can.
And I love myself, just the way I am.

I love you the way you are, there’s nothing you need to do.
When I feel the love inside myself, it’s easy to love you.
Behind your fears, your rage and tears, I see your shining star.
And I love you, just the way your are.

I love the world the way it is, cause I can clearly see.
That all the things I judge are done, by people just like me.
So ’til the birth of peace on earth, that only love can bring.
I’ll help it grow, by loving everything.

I love myself the way I am, and I still want to grow.
But change outside can only come, when deep inside I know.
I’m beautiful and capable, of being the best me I can.
And I love myself, just the way I am.

I even sang this song a capella in a room full of three hundred people as part of the Train the Trainer Seminar in 2006 - the facing your fears segment. And prior to that experience the fear of getting up in front of 300 people and singing solo had been one of the greatest fears in my life.

The meaning and the content of the song has always been special to me, yet in many ways my understanding of it was merely intellectual. I went through the motions of understanding it deeply and completely within myself. I did the repetitions and was faithful with the internal ‘mantra’.

Several years ago, I started working diligently on opening myself up and allowing myself to express emotions in ways theretofore unsurpassed. I managed to accomplish this task and actually got very good at expressing emotion to others and sharing them willingly and deeply.

But the reality is that while I learned how to love others deeply and to open up my emotions in many aspects of my life - fully and passionately, and while I kept up the mantra about loving myself and singing that song, I really didn’t.

I did not love myself.

I liked myself and admired who I was, but I did not love myself. I did not know how. I knew that somewhere underneath it all - that no matter what happened, or how good the outcome looked, somehow it would always screw up in the end.

All the years of criticism as a kid, all the guilt about my parents divorcing and being somehow responsible, a strong desire to be perfect, always feeling I never could be perfect and would never be worthy, but all the while continuing to try, all the years of violence in the home, the anger, the fear of being the trigger that would start another fight, always wanting to run away and hide and not be visible, never having enough money and always wanting to be normal…

I never fit in anywhere. I always felt like the freak that didn’t get it. And to top it off, I was 14 in the ninth grade and most of the guys were two years older and bigger. I shut down and went inside myself to survive for a long time.

Of course, I was not aware of any of this on a conscious level - but on a unconscious level this was the software running my daily life. I can write about it now and explain it because I can see things differently than I could before.

Over the Last Three Weeks, I Have Been Very Focused on the Mantra Again of Loving Myself.

I have really working on the Manifestation process diligently in this group, knowing full well that to be the manifestation, you have to feel it fully and become the feeling. I wrote and wrote affirmations and gratitudes and read them out load and read other peoples’ almost with vengeance to empower me to break through and REALLY FEEL IT AFTER ALL.

I had some big break throughs in writing and notes on Facebook. I really got a lot of good information. I worked feverishly often from 9 at night until 5 in the morning. One time I went 72 hours with only 2 hours of sleep. 10 hours in 5 days and I had no appetite.

24/7 there was a relentless sense of the need to do something; constantly going through the details of every thing that had happened, constantly trying to take them all apart and reassemble the facts and possibly finding the way to miraculously reassemble the outcome to be different.

The mind chatter was like having Grand Central Station in my head.

But the fact is that while I was speaking gratitude and writing gratitude everyday and doing affirmations with a strong desire to “feel” the change I wanted to be, I didn’t feel grateful or joyful. I was angry and deeply in pain. I was hurt and lost. I was frantic, pacing like a caged animal. It was like knowing my kidnapped child was about to be murdered and not being able to do a thing about it - and all the while knowing I would never see that child alive again. I would do anything to change it and I would give my life for that child.

While I kept focusing over and over again on the intentions that I had written, the love and the goodness and the gratitude, I was not in alignment with any of it. And in fact, I had been given clear verification that I was not worth anything and that I did not deserve to be happy. My wife had reinforced that very clearly when she left three weeks ago.

Fact is I was devastated and I felt lousy - not grateful, not happy, not joyful. A big huge part of me ripped out, exposed and mortally wounded…

I did start to shift around the 5th a little. I got some really good spiritual downloads and loving support from wonderful loving people like Georgina and about 15 others without which, I would have been in trouble.

Grateful? Grateful for what? I yelled. In fact, one day I yelled in the car for tens minutes at full volume and woke up with a course voice. I was given the loving guidance by my wife to:

“Enjoy my grandchildren AND HAVE A NICE EASTER !!!!!”

And to top it off my eldest daughter - who is a love and an amazing “BORN AGAIN” mother of four, sat me down to have a serious chat with me about how it was time to discuss the fact that,

“We do not allow our intimate time to be shared for any length of time with anyone who DOES NOT READ THE WORD EVERYDAY AND RECOGNIZE THAT JESUS IS OUR LORD AND SAVIOR. It was ok when you were just going to be here for a few days. But, I simply can not allow my children to be exposed to anything that does not coincide with the WORD - exactly. And so much of that stuff you are reading and writing does not.”

And on and on…

So much for the loving support system. Now I’m not only unworthy and not good enough to be a husband and I need to be completely extricated from my marriage with one single motion and no options or discussion, now I have no where to live and no job and I AM THE DEVIL INCARNATE in my daughter’s house.

Talk about down and out. Maybe it would just be easier to walk in front of a train or step off a tall cliff up Blodgett Canyon.

And all the while I was reading Step 1-4 and writing my Dreams and Desires and doing the life is groovy and I am grateful mantra fervently, all the while praying for the shift to take place in me so that I could genuinely begin to feel what I was talking about.

Well it happened…

Just this week something has happened to me internally. I opened up. I have changed. I am different.

I got an amazing and powerful EFT healing session for over two hours. It was almost like a ‘controlled burn’ or a controlled nervous break down. Gradually, thoroughly and deeply, I was opened up and very carefully and skillfully cleansed internally completely - like a skilled surgeon doing exploratory surgery comprehensively removing more cancers, damaged tissues and stored toxic emotions and memories, that needed to removed before the patient was sewn back up.

It was a catharsis and I was spent. I am not ALL better, but I am way better.

I am very clear that the EFT worked a virtual miracle for me.

But the fact is that all the hard work that lead up to that experience and all the effort directed towards feeling the love I wanted to be and the joy I tried to emulate - all for purposes of manifestation - had a big impact on preparing me for the “transformation” that may well have been delayed without the diligence and preparation. So I am glad I kept at it, almost insanely driven at times.

Now I know it was not MY FAULT, that I am worth being loved, that I have unlimited value. Now I know that really good people do things that hurt you deeply and they are to be forgiven and offered compassion and loved even when you feel what they did was wrong, handled poorly and a gigantic mistake on some levels. And that I could never imagine treating someone I loved deeply this way has nothing to do with it. And quite frankly there is nothing you can do about it anyway.

So I recognize and am grateful - REALLY GRATEFUL - that I am part of this Mastermind group and that I have really put my heart in it and have had a real challenge and succeeded with that challenge:

TO HANG IN THERE AND KEEP FOLLOWING THE PROGRAM AND GIVING IT ALL I’VE GOT UNTIL IT STARTS WORKING - AND NOT LET GO OR GIVE IN OR GIVE UP BECAUSE THAT IS NOT IN MY VOCABULARY. IT SHOWS ME THAT THIS PROCESS AND THIS SYSTEM REALLY WORKS AND I HAVE FELT MORE LOVE, UNDERSTANDING AND ACCEPTANCE FROM YOU - MY REAL SPIRITUAL FAMILY, THAN ANY FAMILY IN MY LIFE.

The power of the Mastermind is amazing. Coupled with that, I believe that it was the power and focus of my intention, coupled with your support, my friends on Facebook and Pamela Gregory combined that got me through this.

And thank you for that.

Now I am feeling gratitude again. Now I am REALLY LOVING MYSELF. Now I can see joy in my life and where I am headed. I am a success. I am a fantastic person and a natural leader with a great deal of valuable experience and understanding that millions of people need to find out about.

Now the daily affirmations and gratitude has a real genuine purpose and I feel it every time I read it or write it.

Now I am learning how to love myself - really and truly.

By the way, as a follow up to my first post about Manifest Mastermind Is Working let me tell you about a couple of successes.

1) My first Dreams and Desires category was “short term needs” which included manifesting a place to stay, monthly expenses, and a way to cover those expenses by 4/30/09.

(By the way, I am documenting all this with pictures and a step by step record and will present it to the group when it is all complete.)

On Monday the 12th, I created the intention of manifesting a FREE MOBILE HOME, the means to relocate it, a place to relocate it to and all the materials and resources that I needed to renovate it after installation.

I wrote it out clearly in detail and at length on Monday morning and on Tuesday, I had a mobile home. Four replacement double pane windows and new door to be used for the renovation. I had the means to relocate it - for FREE - which is usually about $1000 and I had about $3000 in equity before I started.

I did not want to announce this publicly before I had the location lined up and agreed upon - so I waited until I had an agreement. An old friend of mine who has 39 acres here free and clear used to have a mobile home on the property before he built his geodesic dome, his underground house, a storage building, a 1 1/2 acre fenced organic garden space - fully fertilized and ready to go, a newly installed wind generator and a yert large enough to teach my mediation, qigong and Tibetan rites classes in.

The mobile home is no longer on the property but the well is still there and the power pole is still there. The septic is still in the ground but will have to be re-certified, thoroughly cleaned and modified a bit - to the tune of about $750.

I have an agreement with my friend that I can stay there as long as I want as long as I agree to clean everything up if I move and that I can stay there free. He said that all he seeks down the road, when I am capable of handling it, is that I pay the county taxes on the property, or not.

By the way, I am going to position the mobile home so the kitchen end will be facing the south/west. One of the replacement windows I got is a 3′x5′ unit that is going in that wall where the kitchen is. What that will provide is a panoramic view of some of the most beautiful mountains on the planet.

Thursday, I got a line on some work that has the potential to easily generate $100K a year and I start Monday.

So I will report back on or before 4/30/09 to tell you how it all worked out.

My intention is to have the mobile home installed and renovated by 5/31/09. I am even planning designing and installing a radiant floor heating system that will be heated via a wood stove during the winter and eventually solar in the summer, “a meditation temple” and a fully insulated sound proof recording spot for audio work.

So by the end of May, I will have about $5000 in equity, a free and clear “renovated home” and will be able to live for around $500 a month including utilities, phone and internet + plus food.

I owe a lot to you guys for your love and support and to Steve and Brian for creating the tools for me to use to get through this.

I am learning to be a master manifestor.

Regarding really loving myself:

When I asked for Divine Guidance, and for help learning how to love myself, two very distinct questions and a story came into my consciousness.

1) What would it feel like if I loved myself as much as I loved her? When I thought about it, I could not answer that question. I could not really imagine it. But I did know this, it would feel pretty damn good to feel loved that much and I’m going to find out.

2) The second question that surfaced was: What would I look like if I could see myself through the eyes of God? That made me feel pretty good, pretty attractive and sexy and appealing and handsome. I’m magnetic and charming and just an awesome guy.

3) The third thing that came up was the story I wrote on a Facebook note, entitled: God Called This Morning.

Oh and finally, the answer to what that void was that I mentioned at the beginning of this post:

That VOID was my resistance to fully allowing myself to surrender to God’s light and love in my heart. And now I have the answer to loving myself as well.

I love you all and appreciate you. And I deeply love and appreciate my EFT angel, Pamela Gregory, who literally threw a lifeline to a drowning man - and on several levels - saved my life. She assisted me in a great deal of emotional cleansing - some of it very old residue - like 50 years.

Learning how to effectively use the law of attraction, really starts with loving yourself - because without an internal sense of joy, what we manifest is not joyful.

I love you all and appreciate you deeply.

With Blessings of joy, love and prosperity.

Michael