A night in the life of a technology geek…without electricity….

The power to my entire neighborhood went out shortly after I got home today. I had just turned on my air conditioning and computer, cranked up the iTunes and was preparing to see how many spammers wanted to be my MySpace friend today, when –CLICK-

“No! It can’t be!”
(my heart starts racing)
“Please God no!”
(hands trembling)

I look around the room:

Computer: Dead
Air Conditioner: Dead
Modem: Dead
Router: Dead
NAS: Dead
Printer: Dead

I run to the bedroom:

Ihome digital dual alarm clock with integrated iPod player dock: Dead
(a shiver runs down my spine)

Downstairs:

Microwave: Dead
Refrigerator: Dead
Coffee Maker: Dead
Ceiling Fan: Dead
Media Center PC: Dead
Projector: Dead
XBOX 360: Dead
5.1 200 watt surround sound receiver: Dead

“NOOOOOOOoOoOooooo!”

-Time? 6:10pm

My cell phone rings…a friend from work is stopping by to pick up some chairs for his post-wedding barbeque this weekend. (Yes! Complete and total boredom is placed on hold).

To my utter disappointment, we load the chairs in his car in only 2 minutes, and after a brief apology for him being subjected to the jaded ranting and lamenting of the “never again will I be so foolish as to get married” club from earlier in the day at work…. I wish him well and congratulations on his wedding-to-be in 2 days.
(This will be the 3rd wedding in as many weeks of folks at work)…

Is it mating season?

As he drives away, I turn around and suddenly remember the lack of electricity.

-Time? 6:25pm

I stand there for a bit…stunned, perplexed, utterly lost..
Oh! I can water the grass!

I gleefully go about the task of setting up the sprinklers just so, and adjusting the water pressure ever so carefully, so that no water is wasted and each blade of grass gets its fill.

-Time? 6:28pm

“Gahh!”
…
“hmm…”
Oh! I’m smoking again! I can do that!
…
“Ok. Done…”

-Time? 6:35pm

(This is going to be a loooonnnng night)

I go back in the house and stand in my kitchen with a bewildered look on my face.

“hmm…”
…
“Keys!”
“IPOD!”
* grumble *
“Food!”

I grab my keys and iPod and jump in the car, hook up the iPod to the stereo, start the engine, blast the A/C, and crank up the tunes (50 watt RMS to 6.5” front door woofers and flush mount tweeters, 50 watt RMS to the rear 6x9 coaxial speakers, with 300 watt RMS pioneer amp pulling off a 1 farad cap and 4 gauge wire to the battery, driving 2 12” woofers in a sealed Obcon box)

“Tracy Chapman never sounded so good”

I’m off to the border, and on my way out of the neighborhood I can’t help but notice the two love birds leaning against their car in the middle of a serious make out session with PDA in full effect.

-Time? 6:40pm

I arrive at Taco Bell and order my Chicken Supreme Chalupa meal with a Mt Dew… (Also known as “The Colon Cleanser, with heart palpatations”)

“No, I don’t need the super-sized-jumbo-bucket of pop for 10 cents more”

I eat my meal, and realize as I look at the clock in my car, that I apparently consider the term “fast food” to be a personal suggestion on the method of consumption.

-Time? 6:50pm

I head for home, debating whether or not I should take the bike out tonight. As I turn down my street I’m both amazed and concerned as I notice that the love birds are still at their car in full on lip-lock-mode. I slow down to see if perhaps they might need me to call 911, as maybe they’ve actually succeeded in sucking each other’s face off and are now locked in some twisted and gruesome face meld…

(Apparently not, as they both turn and glare at me as I drive by)

-Time? 6:58pm

I arrive at home, and am once again astonished regarding the amazing and somewhat disturbing truth behind the term “fast food”.

(Yes that’s right… the “colon cleanser” hits its mark)

I run inside and straight to the bathroom.

“Crap! No power!”
"Can't crap! No light!"

I run around desperately searching for a flashlight. Minutes tick by and I can’t find a single 1 of the 4 flashlights I own. (I think Murphy is working overtime, as this is a case where I need a flashlight so I can find a flashlight).

* gurgle *

I pause to appreciate the absurdity of the situation and consider my willingness to take a crap in a pitch black, windowless bathroom.

“No…there’s something just not quite right about that…”

* gurgle *

“uh oh”

(Do you think Taco Bell is partnered with Ex-Lax, or maybe vice versa? -If not they should be-)

“Found it!”

…
......
...
..........

With my eyes starting to tear up, I remember now what else doesn’t work when the power is out… the bathroom fan!

“Good lord! What in the hell?!?”
“Wooeee!”
“That’s it! No more Taco Bell for me!”

(But in my heart I know I’ll be back)

Who can resist the sweet dog food like smell of Taco Bell ground beef, the tomatoes that are still green and have the stem parts in them, or the tacos that come pre-cracked and filled almost entirely with lettuce and just 3 little bits of cheese for color, and a runny watery squirt of sour cream, with the 1 long black hair tenuously holding the whole thing together?)

* sigh *

(I know I can’t)

* flush *

-Time? 7:30pm

“Yeah, I think I'd best not take the bike out tonight”.

I shut the bathroom door and consider sealing it up with tape, but find myself wishing I had some of that crime scene tape to put on the door. This in turn makes me ponder all the fun a person could have with crime scene tape…

I step out for a smoke, but my crime scene tape pondering is cut short by the incessant squawking of 2 birds.

(I hate nature)

Watching and listening to these 2 birds squawk back and forth, I almost think these are 2 real love birds, but then I realize there is a third.

“hmm… 2 male birds after 1 female?”
“Maybe 3 male birds after eachother?”

* shrug *

(The birds think it is mating season…)

I notice the neighbor’s cat watching the birds…

“Kitty kitty…”

* meow? *

The cat trots over and I spend some quality time petting my neighbor’s pussy.
[What?!?! Come on, that was too easy not to use…]

After a minute or so it starts to dawn on me…
I thought the cat was just being friendly and wanted some attention, but as she starts wiggling her butt at me and making strange gurgling noises, I begin to realize that I am being confused for something that can fulfill her deepest desire to breed. Uncertain of whether I should take it as a compliment or slap in the face, I quickly stop petting the cat and shoot it away, lest the neighbors see and start to think the weird guy that lives alone is a cat molester. My mind wanders…

(“Hi, my name is ManicEeyore, and I’ve been ordered by the courts to go door to door and let my neighbors know that I’m a registered cat molester.” “-no no, it was a simple misunderstanding between the cat and I, and it hasn’t happened before or since, nor will it again…”)

(Fucking mating season…)

I go back inside and decide to do my workout. I get most of the way through before it is just too damned hot inside, and I cut it short to take a shower.
(I never really took note before of the total lack of windows or skylights or anything that might allow just a hint of light into the bathrooms and shower in this place)
I take a romantic little shower by flashlight…just me, myself….-and the big ass black spider I just now noticed in the corner of the shower!

“Fuck I hate nature!”
“Die creepy arachnid die!”

Like Splash Mountain at Disneyland he goes over the edge and down the drain for the “big splash”.

(Don’t forget to purchase a photo memento of your ride as you leave the attraction!)

(I picture in my head the photo: The “oh shit!” look on the little spider face, all 8 of his eyes opened wide, and with 6-little spider arms thrown up in the air… “weeeee!”)

(I went ahead and peed down the drain for good measure, just in case he was trying to hang on the edge)

-Time? 8:40pm

I decide I can burn a bit more time until I’m tired by writing this blog entry with pen and paper by flashlight…

…

……

...

After 8 barely legible pages of handwritten blog entry, my hand hurts, the flashlight is dieing and it is-

-Time?

“Oh shit!”

12:55am

So… “To make a long story short”:

-Being a technology geek with no electricity sucks
-You people need to realize that there are 11 other fucking months in the year that you could get married in
-Watering the grass for 6 hours might be just a bit much…
-Smoking is good
-I need new music
-I will without a doubt one day shit my pants from eating Taco Bell food
-The only thing worse than seeing 2 people sucking face in public, is driving by them 20 minutes later and they’re still doing it
-Put a flashlight somewhere where you can find it in the dark
-Whether gay birds, horny cats, or big ass black spiders at Splash Mountain: “Nature Sucks”
-If you ever need to keep a technology geek occupied for several hours, just have him write something with pen and paper instead of a computer keyboard
-While it is apparent that I’m going to miss mating season this year (even though I did share a tender moment with my neighbor’s pussy) [Oh come on, that was too good not to use twice] , I take solace in this quote from ILGD’s Kaiser Soeze: “Sex is only really a big deal when you’re not getting any”
-And finally * click * the power is back on and at last I can sleep, secure in the knowledge that my alarm will go off, I can take a hot shower, I can make coffee, and if I have enough time I can even rub one out to some internet porn on the computer before going to work!

"Gotta love technology!"

-Time? 1:15am