Well I hope it's a long wedding, because it's going to be a short honeymoon. Island Packet — Have you ever actually sat down and read the instruction manual to a Black and Decker 12-cup coffee maker? I mean, ever really taken it in, absorbed it deeply? Because it’s phenomenal, and not just because it apparently wields the power to score you one hundred thousand dollars. AMERICAN dollars! Which I know is worth about $3,550 now, but it’s still cool. I don’t think I’d ever truly considered the p... Read Full Story

America used to look exactly like this. GateHouse — As is generally the case with most critical holidays, the important negotiations regarding my Halloween took place in a Target — specifically, in the throughway between the G.I. Joe toy aisle and, if I am not mistaken, Dish Soap, categories that pretty well illustrate my own journey through life thus far, come to think of it. Over the previous weeks, the Little Man had whittled his list of costume ideas from approximately 3 million down to t... Read Full Story

Jake "The Snake" Roberts, who could put an end to this whole thing in about two minutes. Island Packet — Well, everything seems to be under control around here. Swine flu is getting good and vaccinated, at least among you chirpy, vivacious Younger People. Windows 7 is out, giving us Mac people another great many reasons to direct smug, self-important smirks at each other (try it, it’s fun). The Balloon Boy’s weird parents will soon be given over to torture, as they should be. Yep, e... Read Full Story

Pictured: Mountie (Non-Sexy Variety) Island Packet – I am not a very good-looking woman, which I think is the primary reason I’m having trouble coming up with a decent Halloween costume this year. (It’s also the main reason I kept getting turned down for sororities, not that I’m still bitter about that, stupid Zeta Tau Alpha, I hate you so much.) Indeed, if you have visited any costume stores lately, you might have noticed that they look less like costume stores and mo... Read Full Story

How is it possible that I am in the positive of decrying people who hate the Bee Gees? Effing Cheney. GateHouse — So it turns out that using music as a means of torture – which is an idea that all music fans have entertained, if not implemented, many thousands of times, mostly depending on how long they’ve been in high school and how many Color Me Badd tapes they currently own – is considerably less funny when you learn that music has actually been used to, what’s the ... Read Full Story

Mike Ness, pictured here rocking faces off. Island Packet — For a number of extremely appropriate reasons, the music of Social Distortion serves as a particularly effective antidote — or at least an accompaniment — to adolescent-era small-town near-panicky Friday night restlessness, which is why theirs was generally the first cassette Aaron Bradshaw would snap into his tape deck on our regular, mostly pointless semi-excursions into northwest Indiana nights (usually the one with “Ball and Chai... Read Full Story

Home Depot is like way all over these guys. GateHouse — In this world there is sadness, and there is gloom, and there is being a fan of the Ohio State Buckeyes, and of course there is the choking, gasping sensation you wake up to every morning knowing that you’re the kind of bargain-bin consumer-mall legless burrowing lizard who would cajole your easily nauseated 6-year-old into being an unknowing hood ornament for some goop-brained balloon-based plot to hoax yourself into a reality tee... Read Full Story

Billboard — Of all the bands pursuing comebacks this fall, Living Colour is certainly among the most welcome. But the band’s first release since 2003, “The Chair in the Doorway,” is too scattered — and occasionally silly — to make a serious re-impression. The parts are all here: guitarist Vernon Reid is a monster (behold him on “Bless Those,” the album’s funkiest moment) and singer Corey Glover retains a solid volume of howl. But the group is ... Read Full Story

Billboard — It would be easy — well, easier — to continue to dismiss the Insane Clown Posse as novelty jokers on the band’s eleventh album. But frankly, the only thing separating these particular cornballs in face paint from KISS is that you can buy the group’s new album, “Bang! Pow! Boom!,” outside of Wal-Mart. The new set heralds the return of ICP’s Dark Carnival popcorn mythology and stars a vengeful hellbeast known as Bang! Pow! Boom!, who is probably angry... Read Full Story

Look at The Moon, being all smug. GateHouse — Well, everything seems under control down here: What’shisname, the dingus politician, is off “Dancing with the Stars” because of a deviated coccyx or whatever; Jon and Kate have been quietly locked away and are, with any luck, currently being tortured; health care reform is pretty much done, except for the details about excluding the very short. There’s only one thing to do when things have reached such a state of calm, mea... Read Full Story