..and that's how grandma got a sunburn.Let me explain...You see...I’m a pretty gassy guy.I’m not sure why......as it’s not like all I eat is beans and squirt cheese.(Great...now I want beans and squirt cheese)But really......most days I'm surprised that I just don't up and fucking float away.Maybe all guys are like this, I’m not sure......but if I lived in the Renaissance period, my official title would be “Sir Tootsalot.”Now, I’ve known my wife for just about 20 years......and I think she’s ... Read Full Story

You knew it was coming.(hands woman a towel)Wow.Got disgusting there right off the bat.GAME ON, BABY!I'm actually talking about this post.The latest rage for bloggers is to self-promote themselves by reposting some of their Twitter Tweets as blog posts.I am now stooping to this level.Actually, I'm 5'-2" tall.No stooping required. Already there.Fucking sucks.Below are some of my very own Tweets that I've subjected my 12 followers to.Enjoy.*************************Having an argument on Facebook... Read Full Story

This was posted back in August...when everyone was on vacation and no one was reading.So I'm reposting.Yeah..you may have seen it before in different posts of mine.Tough shit.My blog, my rules.In fact, I've even ADDED a new one to the original post...so you get yourself a TWOFER!Have a joyous day!!**************************Motivate THIS.(points at crotch)Nothing to see here today......except a custom "motivational poster" made by yours truly over at Big Huge Labs.Seriously......I have no idea... Read Full Story

HIYA!Scared?This is 'Part Two' of my karate tournament recap.For Part One, click here.When we last left our hero (me - hellooooo? my blog), we were in this situation:I had just finished my first bout of sparring by defeating a 7'4", 350 lb. gargantuan with all-gold teeth, nicknamed 'The Spine Shredder.'Some of the above may not be completely accurate.Regardless, I won my first fight.With my first win under my belt, it was time for someone else to fight.Brian.Brian is another one of the other ... Read Full Story

Alternate title for this post:Suck it, Jesus!But that might be pushing my luck.Let me explain.My son and I both entered a karate tournament over the weekend.***** Sidebar *****I'm 41 years old and just competed in a karate tournament.Really fucking cool...or very, very sad?Discuss.Don't tell me your decision unless it's 'really cool and sexy' (women only).***** End Sidebar *****My son entered three categories: forms, self-defense, and sparring.He did not place in 'forms' (note to myself here ... Read Full Story

Today I unveil a new segment based on LiLu's popular and always funny:'Shiz my Boyfriend Says'theme.Since I don't have a boyfriend...(As such, my sphincter is nearly flawless! Yay for heterosexual me!)...I'm doing this about my own quotes.I love myself.You can, too, for $85 an hour.I accept PayPal.Where was I?Oh..yes...shit I say."Moogisms," if you will.(trademark pending)Today's Moogism Episode:Sex with Pastry and Blind EducationONWARD!!*****************Blind EducationMy 6 year old son was g... Read Full Story

*******************Motivate THIS.(points at crotch)Nothing to see here today......except a custom "motivational poster" made by yours truly over at Big Huge Labs.Seriously......I have no idea how I made it almost 40 years without finding this thing.Here's today's poster for you (click to enlarge (that's what she said)):Yeah..it's mean.But it's okay.When I was a kid, I used to get punished on the "Slide of Small Penises."Worst. Slide. Ever.Really bumpy.If you want to see all of my custom poste... Read Full Story

Trust me...this stupid title will explain itself in a minute.You people are so fucking impatient.But...sit down..this is a long one today.(that's what she said)Here goes:When I was a kid, I was fat.If the news ever would have run a story on obesity in children back then, the odds would be that the crews were at my house filming me from the neck down while the anchors were back in the studio going:"Holy fuckshit...that kid's a goddamn porker! Look! He jiggles like Santa!! And now, in sports.... Read Full Story

I have a confession to make to you all.I can't..I can't seem to stop myself.It's a..COMPULSION.I HAVE to do it.I don't feel like a whole person unless I'm doing it.Making the swirls.....the..mmmm...the circles.....the smooth strokes...Yes, folks.I'm a doodler.No..no..Not a DIDDLER.That would be my dad and, honestly, I'd rather keep that part of my life a secret.Oh.Um.Oops.No, I'm just a doodler.When I'm in a meeting, I doodle.It's not like I'm not listening (it's EXACTLY like that), it's just... Read Full Story

Today I present to you, fine reader...Further evidence that our country is headed right down the shitter.Or, in this case:"Chitter."In part one of the 'Our Country is Fucked' series, we learned that the kids in my wife's inner-city Kindergarten class think that letters are actually animals......and that some letters make trampoline sound effects.That's just great.You know, I believe it was Whitney Houston who said it best:"I believe that children are our futureTe... Read Full Story