The Difficulty of Formless Faith

as an attempted Buddhist i am always defending to the uninitiated about the faith that is central to the practice. most people fail to see the faith of the philosophy because it is not embodied by a personification of ultimate purpose. and so i must explain that its faith is found in rationality and understanding, which most people get and respect.

the two may sound radically different, but they have this in common: my faith is just as fleeting, distant and intangible. it takes work to believe.

for instance, i am going through one of the most painful moments of my life, but I am forced to ask myself, do i deserve this? did i bring this upon myself? is my karma really that bad? either way the answer is not pretty and is testing my faith sorely.

i have suffered a crisis of faith like this before: it was quite awhile ago, i was running a rave promotion company of sorts. after our last event (which ended in disaster) I found myself broke and without much support. everything that could go wrong, did.

my faith, my hope in the world just evaporated. what, i thought to myself does a person have to do? i felt that i had tried to do good, but nothing seemed to be coming back to me. i know that may sound selfish, but what can i say? i believed in justice. in a just world, why would so many bad things happen to good people?

the answer is, of course, that the world is not just. there is no purpose. there is no reason. we are just stuck on this ball of rock and gas. blessed and cursed all in the same breath. no one to answer to. no one to answer us.

work in progress…