By Study and also By Faith: A Paradox

I'm currently working on a paper for my Old Testament class. I'm pretty excited about it because I've had an opportunity to do quite a bit of study on the symbolism of covenants, and the restorations of the gospel. I don't want to get too deeply into the details because I'm also hoping to publish it, but suffice it to say that I'm of the opinion that my Father in Heaven and His Son have a very real signature to everything they ordain, especially when it comes to covenants.

The part of my paper for which I'm doing most of my research isn't actually in the Old Testament. I've been spending large amounts of time reading the accounts of the Restoration written by those closest to Joseph Smith. I'm looking for some pretty specific details that relate to my paper, but in scanning through quite a few books looking through the fascinating, yet irrelevant, I find myself getting distracted and learning a lot in the process. I currently have The Revised and Enhanced History of Joseph Smith by His Mother, Early Mormon Documents, and A New Witness for Christ in America, and I'm becoming ever more familiar with the records that were left behind not just by Joseph himself, but the accounts that were written by those closest to him.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again--I love the Prophet Joseph Smith. I'm loving every minute of the studying I'm doing. It has been so interesting to see so many different people, who ended up taking such different paths in regards to the Church, all saying the same things about Joseph and his experience. The accounts from his brother William, and especially from his mother Lucy, have been so personal. They've really allowed me to ponder on the young prophet Joseph, and I've enjoyed it profoundly. I see so much of his experience in mine--the questions that he asked, the monumental task that was ahead of him, the disappointment at his failures, the pains of his heart.

Today I was reading about when his eldest brother Alvin died. Joseph loved Alvin dearly, and I got to see more of that in reading about how much Alvin's death affected Joseph's entire family. His youngest sister's grief broke my heart as I read about how desperately she clung to Alvin, even once he had passed on. She seems to have been very young, but her grief was unabashed and deep. How difficult that must have been for Joseph to see. According to Lucy, Joseph was a quiet, rather inward-dwelling child. My personality is given to such more and more as I age, and from where I'm sitting now I feel certain in saying that Joseph Smith was sensitive--a loving soul whose still water run deep. To see someone so dear to him in such pain surely must have caused him great pain. Did he try to console her? Did he do what any one of us would have done and been frustrated, had he not been able to do so?

How can people NOT see Joseph as the loving person that he certainly was? I simply don't understand it. Why would you take cold fact, stale history, dates and places, politics and doctrine--the very things for which I was digging, I admit--instead of the loving image that doesn't have to be forced in any way in order to be seen? I've seen it expressed online that there are members who are afraid to commit to studying the history of the Church because they've seen so many people lose their testimonies that way. In all honesty, I don't think such fear has any reason to exist.

I've gained so much from what brief study I've done so far, and sometimes I even find the things I need for my paper along the way. It truly is the best of both worlds, which is exactly what historical Church scholarship can be if you will commit to having the Holy Ghost with you as you study. Not only does he paint such lovely images that come nearer to the truth than history alone ever could, the Holy Ghost protects us from falsehood as we read and ponder so we are not long overtaken by the adversary. Truly, I could not have asked for a greater blessing than to be in this new major, at BYU, studying the lives of both ancient and modern covenants. I see the Lord's hand in His abundance, and I'm simply in awe of His marvelous work.

I know that Heavenly Father lives. I know that He glories in the intelligence of His children, and He is overjoyed when His children truly seek to understand all that He has done to restore His gospel, the message of His Son Jesus Christ, and His true and living Church on the earth. I know that the Atonement has provided us with a mortal sojourn to learn such magnificent lessons as our Father would teach us through His Spirit, and I testify that His Spirit does provide truth that mortal eyes cannot see, mortal ears cannot hear, mortal memory cannot recall, and mortal words and histories could never adequately express. These things I write in love and gladness in the name of my Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ.