The good news is that I'm healthy.  The bad news, from your perspective, is that I seem to have stopped blogging.  I'm not sure why.  Part of it is that I've been focusing on revising the beginning of my novel, Mercury Falls.  Truth be told, I was never really happy with the opening chapters.  I wrote the first three chapters before I had any idea where the book was going, and then once I got an idea of where things were headed, I just kept writing until I got to the ... Read Full Story

Yeah, so after mostly getting over my inexplicable hand injury, I developed a slightly more explicable back injury that caused me to walk stooped over like an old man for three days and then started to wane just as I developed a bad headache that then turned into some kind of sinus thing and a fever and has now left behind only a nagging cough and some impressive chunks of green mucus.In other words, I'm kind of wiped out.  I'm probably going to need a few more days to come up wi... Read Full Story

My gopher post got quite a reaction.  Scott Oglesby commented on my observation that establishing a perimiter never seems to do any good on '24':You bring up an interesting point; I don?t think that I?ve ever seen a perimeter work in television or movies. Sometimes it comes close, but it never works. As a matter of fact, the phrase ?establish a perimeter? should now be used exclusively as slang for failure. IE; ?Wow Mike, you really ?established a perimeter? with the ladies ... Read Full Story

Bar-Ob promises "swift closure" of extradimensional prison.KRYPTONOPOLIS - Ratcheting up the rhetoric in the race for Supreme Leader of Krypton, Demokryptic candidate Bar-Ob has promised to "close once and for all" the controversial extradimensional prison known as the Phantom Zone."How can we hold ourselves up as a model for other planets, such as... well, the only one I know of is Earth," said Bar-Ob, "while maintaining an illegal prison in a dimension jus... Read Full Story

About six years ago, my wife and I purchased ten acres of farmland just outside of Ripon, California. ?Eight acres of the property are still orchard, while the front two acres serve as home to my wife and me, our two children, my father-in-law, and a varying number of gophers.If you're one of those people who can't stand the thought of any living creature -- no matter how ugly and annoying -- being harmed, I'd suggest you stop reading here, because the fact is that gophers are evi... Read Full Story

Crummy Joel took top honors this week. ?I think that makes what, five wins for Joel? ?Time to update my sidebar.Raymond Betancourt came in second, with:"Maybe?you?didn't?hear?me...I?said?my?kid?is?selling?candy?for?herschool.?How?many?boxes?can?I?put?you?down?for?And?Aaron?took?third,?with:I'm?not?going?to?ask?you?again:?"Turn?back?into?that?hot?girl!" In?case?you?don't?get?Joel's?caption,?I've?written?a?novel,?see.??It's?called?Mercury?Falls.??I've?... Read Full Story

CrummyJoel?said..."I WANT THE NAMES OF EVERY F*CKING LITERARY AGENT YOU KNOW!!!"SushiBoy?said...Diesel rants,? "That's the last time you'll ever get in the way of my eff'ing shot, stupid robot of a lighting technician."Shelley?said..."Now get up and start digging those trenches, punk!"Aaron?said...I'm not going to ask you again: "Turn back into that hot girl!"Peeved Guy?said...For the last time... I AM NOT interested in buying a copy o... Read Full Story

Mercury Falls is being featured over at the Book Roast blog?today! Read an excerpt and leave a comment for a chance to win a $15 Amazon gift certificate. And make sure to sign up for the Mercury Falls interest list when you're done.I inexplicably injured my middle finger a few days ago, so you may not hear much more from me this week, because I'm trying not to use it. At the very least, I will be avoiding words with the letters K, I and M in them. Sorry, Kim!I'll post the caption ... Read Full Story

You know the rules. Submit your captions in the comments. I'll post the best ten in a poll on Tuesday. Have a swell weekend! Read Full Story

It must be about time for a post that doesn't require much effort on my part. That's right, it's time for a Google Analytics search term post!Here?are?some?of?the?phrases?that?people?have?used?to?get?to?this?site?overthe?past?month:funny?monkey?videosYou've come to the right place!anal?probingOnce again, bingo!10?thousand?dollar?mattressHave I mentioned lately that sponsors can contact me at diesel -at- mattresspolice.com regarding my rates?average?human?swallows?spiders(opens... Read Full Story