V for Velocity (or, How not to remake a classic scifi miniseries)

Unfortunately, someone at ABC completely misunderstood the project, and rather than remaking the V miniseries, they ended up remaking the forgettable V television series that limped along after the miniseries for a few months before being put down like a sick dog.

The pilot crashes through key plot points like an addict overturning dishes in a desperate search for a fix. First, three questions flash on the screen in rapid sequence:

and:

and finally:

I suppose these questions are meant to be ominous-sounding, but for me the answers are:

So, now that I've been alienated, offended and reminded that this is a work of fiction with no bearing on my real life, I'm all ready to enjoy the show. Oh, did I mention they left out the creepy cool music that was one of the best parts of the original? And that the awesome Muse song "Uprising" that they used in the commercials doesn't appear anywhere in the show? Okay, cool.

Obligatory scene setting up strained relationship between single mother/impossibly attractive FBI agent and her miscreant son. Obligatory scene with mysterious handsome dude buying an engagement ring. Obligatory scene with Party of Five dude as talking head who can't get no respect. Ok, we have characters. Cue the alien spaceships. 

Spaceships appear. "We are of peace," the Visitors say. And we all think, "Wait, you're of peace? What exactly does that..." NEVERMIND, WE HAVE COME TO SOLVE ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS. WELL, MOST OF THEM. WE CAN CURE 65 DISEASES." "65 disease? That's an oddly specific..." "STOP ASKING QUESTIONS OR WE'LL NEVER GET THROUGH THIS."

In a breathless 40 minutes, we learn that (1) The V's* are really reptiles; (2) The V's have a secret evil plan for humanity that may or may not involve eating live hamsters; (3) Some V's have been living hidden among us for years; (4) An underground resistance movement is organizing to resist the V's; (5) Some of the V's living on earth are really on our side; (6) The island is really just Hurley's dream.

Okay, I made up number six.**

Now some of you are thinking, "Dude, chill. They had to zip through the whole 'they're really evil lizards' thing because we all know the story already." To you, I respond, "Uhhh... So you're remaking a movie by essentially playing the original movie in fast forward? What's the point of THAT?" If you're going to remake a movie, remake the movie. Don't rehash the movie in 45 minutes so you can get to something more important. 

And who's to say a remake would just have to be a carbon copy of the original? Look what the writers did with Battlestar Galactica. While staying essentially true to the mythology of the original, they created a much more nuanced and engaging series -- stretching it out over the course of several seasons, I might add. Imagine if the writers of the new Battlestar Galactica had been told, "Look, we all know they get to Earth eventually, so you've got to get that out of the way in the first episode." Then, having zipped through all the "stuff we know already," they could dive right into the much more memorable and riveting Galactica 1980. Yeah, remember that? At least they got the name right: the Galactica spinoff lasted a single season. Sensing a pattern?

How about making the V's really likable before revealing them to be evil lizards? Or better yet, maybe there is some dissension in the ranks? Or maybe the V's really do have the best intentions: maybe they really are here to "help," the way W. "helped" Iraq. I mean, come on, V. You're moving so fast, you're bound to run into W pretty quick anyway.

But instead of working in any kind of subtle political message, V. whacks us on the head with red herrings. "So," Party of Five guy asks the HAIC*** when she mentions the V's' plan to care for the sick, "You're talking about universal health care." Way to go with the current cultural reference, Party of Five guy. Did they write your script like a Mad Lib, with a blank spot for you to fill in TOPIC OF CURRENT INTEREST? The only thing that would have made that interview more painful would have been if Party of Five guy had broken in with, "I'm'a let you finish, V's, but Independence Day had one of the best alien invasions of ALL TIME."

So, the big question: Will I be tuning in next week? Well, of course I will. The show has Elizabeth Mitchell, Lourdes Benedicto, Laura Vandervoort and Morena Baccarin. Who cares whether half of them are evil space lizards?

*Shortened from "Visitors" about 12 seconds into the pilot. We don't have time for three syllables!

**And by "made up", I mean "stole from 30 Rock"

***Hot Alien In Charge. Not to be confused with HUAC.