Failing To Understand An Abusive Parent

When teens become suicidal we often wonder why - where did this come from?  How can they possibly want to end their life at such a young age.  Sadly, in some instances we don’t wonder why we understand why.  Abusive parents should be drawn and quartered - hung up on a fence for all to see, with a big sign telling of their crime.  Bullies, that’s all they are.  Hateful, unhappy, ignorant, assholes that take out there anger on someone smaller than themselves.  My husband tells stories of the beatings he received as a child.  His father would hit him with anything that was near - a bat, a vacuum - it makes me nauseous to think of this.  I hurt for the little boy he was.  His father created scars that 30 years, lots of therapy, heroin and alcohol addiction have not been able to erase.  Why do such miserable people even want to have kids?  This story made me cry:

It is impossible to say when the initial realisation set in. It is probably something in the subconscious that alerts the senses. But as soon as self awareness manifested itself, the realisation that life with his mother was all about pain and terror took hold of a child. By age seven, he saw his older siblings experience savage beatings, numerous injuries, and mind numbing fear. The line between peaceful days, and terrifying bursts of violence was a paper thin one, but no-one ever knew what would push her one way of the other. One moment a child would be playing in the garden, the next that child would be on the receiving end of a merciless thrashing. With a 2 x 4 inch thick stick, a fan belt, a big leather belt. Anything that would cause terrible screaming, and even more terrible injuries. No-one will ever know why and how her mood would alter so drastically and so often. On these occasions, the effect on all the other children could never be measured in simple terms. To hear your sibling crying and begging in fear, even before the first blow had been struck was bad enough. Add to that the sound of the whacks themselves on bare flesh, the child screaming, while above it all, her voice could be heard. Her voice, rising in volume and pitch, blaming, cursing, venting her anger, and galvanising her strength as she delivered each punishing blow. She only ever stopped when her arms began to get tired. It is an unforgettable feeling. The knowledge that a terrible beating is iminent. All the crying, apologies, begging, and pleading cannot stop it. An adult, a strong healthy fully grown human being is about to swing a solid piece of wood onto the bare backside of a child. And she will do so with all her strength. For as long as that strength allows. After being struck once, for a seven year old, the pain is absolutely unbearable. Imagine being held down in place, feeling completely helpless as the blows continue, and having to withstand another, after another, after another. Even the memories are painful. Children in this situation often show psychological frailty. Nervousness, wide eyed faces, haunted stares. Perhaps bedwetting, speech defects, or petty crimes. All of which, of course, will lead to further and more severe punishment. Children in this situation always show injuries, bruising, and scars. But they are tough, these children. They hide the cuts and weals from their friends, their teachers, and anyone else who can help. They hide them because they are actually protecting the very person who continues the terror. Children are tough indeed, but still so vulnerable. It is usually quite easy for a knowledgeable adult to spot abused children. They are happy at school, but with very few friends. They are intelligent but do not take part in class discussions. They wear more clothes than necessary, or than is healthy. And their eyes give them away at all times. School photographs are extremely revealing. The question still remains today. Why? Why would any parent want to willingly hurt and terrorise their own child? Why? Is it for control? Is it lack of patience? Is it just sheer wicked nastiness? Whatever the reason, parents need to be aware that the person they want to hurt depends on them for everthing. Food, water, clothing, a home, love, humour, warmth, and humanity. Children have no place to run to, and no knowldege of the world outside. Their spirits are sometimes broken, but in cases where there is mental toughness, anger and hate towards a parent might fuel a child’s rebellious streak. Parents would do well to remember that in time, these children grow up, the scars will heal, the bruises will disappear and broken bones will mend. The knowledge of how they were mistreated and the experience of it cannot be erased. There is no excuse. In the mind of a child, a parent is everything. When your everything beats, blames, hurts, and terrorises for no apparent reason, children try harder. They try to please, they try to do as they are told, they try not to annoy the parent. The trouble is that they do not know exactly what will upset that parent. It could be anything on any given day. It could be a frown at the wrong time, in the wrong place. It could be the way someone spoke, the way they walked, what was said, or what was not said. Maybe the temperature of a drink was too hot too cold, maybe the sun cast a shadow on the wrong part of the TV. Whatever it was, even if a child was directly involved, the culprit is still only a child. Children do have one thing to cling to, which is hope. Hope that one day, the pain and suffering will be totally behind them. Time does heal, to an extent. That does not help the child somewhere in the world today, who is now six, and about to start a a journey through many years of emotional and physical torment. Even many years later, these memories are hard to cope with. The nightmares have never stopped. The emotional scars have never really healed. Relationships and displays of affection do not come easily. Thoughts of a tough childhood are present every single day. But look at what can be achieved by the single mindedness of a victim. A brilliant education. A life of sport. A child who looks set to follow in his father’s footsteps. And because his father’s early life was so traumatic, and the memories still so vivid, the child has never known any physical punishment, and now never will. He will never go through the hell that was his father’s upbringing. The effects of that time manifest themselves in many ways, and will continue to do so. While the Christian and politically correct action is to forgive and forget, all abused children struggle with those two words. Forgiveness is possible, but highly unlikely. Forget? Never. “

Author:  Sandy Francis