IF YOU ENJOYED THE POUNDING YOU RECEIVED FROM THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT IN THE LATE 90'S, YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE PARANORMAL ACTIVITY. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY FOCUSES ON A FAT GIRL PURSUED BY A GHOST. IT'S SIMILAR TO THE MOVIE GHOST FROM 1991 EXCEPT WITHOUT THE WITTY BANTER BETWEEN PATRICK SWAYZE AND AUNT JEMIMA. MAYBE "FAT" WAS AN OVERSTATEMENT. HOWEVER, BY THE END OF THIS MOVIE I COULD ONLY ASSUME THIS GHOST WAS HALF IN THE BAG. TMJ ACTUALLY FELT BAD FOR IT. EVEN WITH THE GIFT OF INVISIBILITY THE ON... Read Full Story

THE BLOND GIRL FEATURED IN THE PICTURE TO YOUR LEFT IS PREPARED FOR A DATE WITH THE MOVIE JERK. THAT, IS HOW IT'S DONE. NOW, LET'S GET TO IT... IN 1699 SARAJEVO WAS SET ON FIRE BY PRINCE EUGENE OF SAVOY AFTER A RAID. IN 1878 SARAJEVO WAS CONQUERED BY THE AUSTRIA-HUNGARIAN EMPIRE AS PART OF THE TREATY OF BERLIN. THAT'S 106 YEARS BEFORE THE TERMINATOR WAS RELEASED IN THEATRES STARRING THE ONLY OTHER THING THAT MADE AUSTRIA RELEVANT, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER. IN 1914, FRANZ FERDINAND, WAS "TAKEN OU... Read Full Story

AFTER THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL, IT STARTED MOVING AGAIN. ONCE THE DOW JONES RALLIED AFTER THE WHITE HOUSE CONFIRMED THAT LIFE FROM OTHER PLANETS WAS ACTUALLY MUCH FUCKING DUMBER THAN US. ALSO IMPLYING THE CHINESE COULD'NT CONTROL US BY USURPING OUR NATIONAL DEPT BECAUSE THEY ALREADY DID IN THE EARLY 1930'S WHEN WE GAVE ALL OUR MONEY TO THEM, THINKING THEY WERE ALIENS. IT WAS A PREJUDICED, PHYSICAL MISUNDERSTANDING. LET'S BE HONEST, AGGRESSIVE, HUMANLY UNHYGIENIC, PEOPLE WITH ... Read Full Story

2008 WAS PRETTY SWEET. IT LEFT ME WITH THE SAME WARM FEELING I GOT WHEN A $75 HOOKER, WHOM I TIPPED WITH PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS, GAVE ME CRABS. THAT WARM FEELING THEN TURNED INTO A BURNING ITCH AND A DEEP HATRED FOR ANYTHING WEARING HEELS AND SMELLING LIKE TACO BELL. LUCKILY, FOR BRAD PITT, 2008 WAS JUST LIKE ANY OTHER YEAR. HE WOKE UP, RODE HIS FRENCH SERVANT TO THE KITCHEN, ATE A GOLD BAR, ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED HIS CERTIFIABLE PARTNER WITH SOME FOREIGN SPERM (BLASIAN, MIDGET, CLOWN, HIPPO, ... Read Full Story

LEONARDO DICAPRIO HAS DECIDED TO RELEASE HIS MOST MEDIOCRE MOVIE SINCE GROWING PAINS. BODY DEPICTS HOW EASILY TERRORISTS CAN DESTROY OUR MODERN WORLD WHEN DICAPRIO DOES NOT GROW THE APPROPRIATE FACIAL HAIR FOR A ROLE. IT WAS VERY PROMINENT YET SOMEHOW SPARSE, LIKE IN BRITISH PORN, AND LOOKED LIKE IT WAS PRONE TO CATCHING TAPAS. IN THE WORLD OF SPIES THIS IS A BIG NO NO. IT MAKES THE ENEMY UNEASY AND HIGHLY UNPREDICTABLE, AS WELL AS THE AUDIENCE. LEONARDO'S CO-STAR RUSSELL CROWE HAS APPARE... Read Full Story

With the devasting charm of Lance Henriksen, Will Ferrell follows in his footsteps by doing the same shit over and over again. If I were paid for masturbating on t-shirts success might be washed out with Tide instead of the sperm holocaust I deliver to HANES and its affiliates. However, the world isn't perfect. Except for Will Ferrell, who makes 20 million everytime his humor record comes for circle. True, this time he did it better. As for the guy who left comments to weeks ago: I am ang... Read Full Story

HEY MOULDER? DID YOU SMELL THAT?....IT'S CALLED SHIT. AND WE JUST SOLD ANOTHER 10$ WORTH. I WANT TO BELIEVE THIS MOVIE NEVER HAPPENED. THERE WERE NO ALIENS. I AM STILL PISSED OFF. Read Full Story

"WHERE'S MOVIE JERK!?" "WHERE IS HE YOU BASTARD REPLICANT?!!!!" ...I'M RIGHT HERE BABY. STUCK BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HOOKER'S PLACE. IT WAS 1982. THE YEAR OF THE MINOE. SEAN YOUNG WAS A SEX SYMBOL. DARRYL HANNAH PATIENTLY TARGETED THE KENNEDYS. EDWARD JAMES OLMOS'S ACNE CLEARED UP ONLY TO DISPLAY SCARS LARGER THAN SMALL CARTELS. AND RONALD REGAN WAS BEGINNING TO FORGET A NATION AFTER BEING RE-INFORMED OF THE INVENTION OF THE COLOR PURPLE: A MIXTURE OF RED AND... Read Full Story

HOLY SAC BATMAN! SOMEONE FINALLY GOT IT RIGHT. THE REAL JOKER, THE HOMICIDAL, WWII-UNCLE-SAM; THE DAPRAVED CLOWN CREATED IN 1940 HAS FINALLY BEEN BROUGHT TO LIFE."In his initial dozen or so appearances, starting with Batman #1 (1940), the Joker was a straightforward mass murderer, with a bizarre appearance modeled after the symbol of the Joker known from playing cards. He was slated to be killed in his second appearance,[5] but editor Whitney Ellsworth suggested that the character be spa... Read Full Story

THIS IS A PICTURE OF THE MOVIE JERK REVISING HIS CREATIVE GENIUS IN MY CABIN JUST SOUTH OF EAST ST. LOUIS. UNTIL THE MOVIE JERK REARED HIS FANTASTICAL HEAD, HE'D ONLY RETURNED TO THIS WOOD MANSION ONCE BEFORE. THAT WAS WHEN HE WAS BORN TO MIDGET BARONS, GOLD BARS, AND A VIRTUOUS STRIPPER NAMED JIZZABELLA CUMFACE (IN HER NATIVE ITALY IT'S PRONOUNCED COME-FA-CHAY.....WHO KNEW?). APPARENTLY, I WAS CONCEIVED ON THE HARD STEEL OF A WINDOWLESS VAN BY A DWARF HOOKER WITH THE INTEGRITY OF A M... Read Full Story