simrallm

The fifth installment of any franchise is usually more offensive than prison rape or the schizophrenic who sits on my corner screaming obscenities. His eyes are always looking in two different directions. It's as though he's adapted a stronger survival instinct to alert himself more quickly to approaching predators, or he's overmedicated and can't focus in fucking straight line. Either way, it bothers TMJ and frequently ruins his appetite. I think that the schizo resonates with my primal... Read Full Story

IF THE WORLD WERE GOING TO END IN THREE DAYS I CAN PROMISE YOU THE MOVIE JERK WOULDN'T BE DEPENDING ON AN "ARC" MADE IN CHINA TO SAVE MY LIFE. CONSIDERING THE CHINESE VALUE FLIP-FLOPS MORE THAN HUMAN LIFE, I WOULDN'T WANT TO BEGIN GUESSING WHAT VARIOUS TOXIC MATERIALS OUR EASTERN NEIGHBORS USED TO CONSTRUCT THIS SUPERBOAT. NOT TO MENTION BEING ACTUALLY STUCK ON THE BOAT WITH THE CHINESE UNTIL SED BOAT ARRIVES AT ITS DESTINATION, WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS UNKNOWN BECAUSE 75% OF THE WORLD HAS BEEN... Read Full Story

IF YOU ENJOYED THE POUNDING YOU RECEIVED FROM THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT IN THE LATE 90'S, YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE PARANORMAL ACTIVITY. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY FOCUSES ON A FAT GIRL PURSUED BY A GHOST. IT'S SIMILAR TO THE MOVIE GHOST FROM 1991 EXCEPT WITHOUT THE WITTY BANTER BETWEEN PATRICK SWAYZE AND AUNT JEMIMA. MAYBE "FAT" WAS AN OVERSTATEMENT. HOWEVER, BY THE END OF THIS MOVIE I COULD ONLY ASSUME THIS GHOST WAS HALF IN THE BAG. TMJ ACTUALLY FELT BAD FOR IT. EVEN WITH THE GIFT OF INVISIBILITY THE... Read Full Story

THE BLOND GIRL FEATURED IN THE PICTURE TO YOUR LEFT IS PREPARED FOR A DATE WITH THE MOVIE JERK. THAT, IS HOW IT'S DONE. NOW, LET'S GET TO IT... IN 1699 SARAJEVO WAS SET ON FIRE BY PRINCE EUGENE OF SAVOY AFTER A RAID. IN 1878 SARAJEVO WAS CONQUERED BY THE AUSTRIA-HUNGARIAN EMPIRE AS PART OF THE TREATY OF BERLIN. THAT'S 106 YEARS BEFORE THE TERMINATOR WAS RELEASED IN THEATRES STARRING THE ONLY OTHER THING THAT MADE AUSTRIA RELEVANT, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER. IN 1914, FRANZ FERDINAND, WAS "TAKEN... Read Full Story

AFTER THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL, IT STARTED MOVING AGAIN. ONCE THE DOW JONES RALLIED AFTER THE WHITE HOUSE CONFIRMED THAT LIFE FROM OTHER PLANETS WAS ACTUALLY MUCH FUCKING DUMBER THAN US. ALSO IMPLYING THE CHINESE COULD'NT CONTROL US BY USURPING OUR NATIONAL DEPT BECAUSE THEY ALREADY DID IN THE EARLY 1930'S WHEN WE GAVE ALL OUR MONEY TO THEM, THINKING THEY WERE ALIENS. IT WAS A PREJUDICED, PHYSICAL MISUNDERSTANDING. LET'S BE HONEST, AGGRESSIVE, HUMANLY UNHYGIENIC , PEOPLE WITH NIGHT... Read Full Story

2008 WAS PRETTY SWEET. IT LEFT ME WITH THE SAME WARM FEELING I GOT WHEN A $75 HOOKER, WHOM I TIPPED WITH PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS, GAVE ME CRABS. THAT WARM FEELING THEN TURNED INTO A BURNING ITCH AND A DEEP HATRED FOR ANYTHING WEARING HEELS AND SMELLING LIKE TACO BELL. LUCKILY, FOR BRAD PITT, 2008 WAS JUST LIKE ANY OTHER YEAR. HE WOKE UP, RODE HIS FRENCH SERVANT TO THE KITCHEN, ATE A GOLD BAR, ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED HIS CERTIFIABLE PARTNER WITH SOME FOREIGN SPERM (BLASIAN, MIDGET, CLOWN, HIPPO... Read Full Story

LEONARDO DICAPRIO HAS DECIDED TO RELEASE HIS MOST MEDIOCRE MOVIE SINCE GROWING PAINS . BODY DEPICTS HOW EASILY TERRORISTS CAN DESTROY OUR MODERN WORLD WHEN DICAPRIO DOES NOT GROW THE APPROPRIATE FACIAL HAIR FOR A ROLE. IT WAS VERY PROMINENT YET SOMEHOW SPARSE, LIKE IN BRITISH PORN, AND LOOKED LIKE IT WAS PRONE TO CATCHING TAPAS. IN THE WORLD OF SPIES THIS IS A BIG NO NO. IT MAKES THE ENEMY UNEASY AND HIGHLY UNPREDICTABLE, AS WELL AS THE AUDIENCE. LEONARDO'S CO-STAR RUSSELL CROWE HAS... Read Full Story

With the devasting charm of Lance Henriksen, Will Ferrell follows in his footsteps by doing the same shit over and over again. If I were paid for masturbating on t-shirts success might be washed out with Tide instead of the sperm holocaust I deliver to HANES and its affiliates. However, the world isn't perfect. Except for Will Ferrell, who makes 20 million everytime his humor record comes for circle. True, this time he did it better. As for the guy who left comments to weeks ago: I am angry... Read Full Story

HEY MOULDER? DID YOU SMELL THAT?....IT'S CALLED SHIT. AND WE JUST SOLD ANOTHER 10$ WORTH. I WANT TO BELIEVE THIS MOVIE NEVER HAPPENED. THERE WERE NO ALIENS. I AM STILL PISSED OFF. Read Full Story

"WHERE'S MOVIE JERK!?" "WHERE IS HE YOU BASTARD REPLICANT?!!!!" ...I'M RIGHT HERE BABY. STUCK BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HOOKER'S PLACE. IT WAS 1982. THE YEAR OF THE MINOE. SEAN YOUNG WAS A SEX SYMBOL. DARRYL HANNAH PATIENTLY TARGETED THE KENNEDYS. EDWARD JAMES OLMOS'S ACNE CLEARED UP ONLY TO DISPLAY SCARS LARGER THAN SMALL CARTELS. AND RONALD REGAN WAS BEGINNING TO FORGET A NATION AFTER BEING RE-INFORMED OF THE INVENTION OF THE COLOR PURPLE: A MIXTURE OF RED AND BLUE, OR POOR TASTE AND NEW MONEY... Read Full Story