Holy Mother of God.
I really never thought this day would come.
We've been locking the bedroom door for 13 years.
THIRTEEN YEARS, people.......Thirteen years that, while rife with interruptions ("Mom? Mommy? Mom? Where are you? Mom? Mom! MOM!!").......have never experienced a security breach. Until Saturday.
This? was a security fail of epic proportions.
Apparently my husband in his - retardation enthusiasm - turned the lock in the door handle but didn't shut it co... Read Full Story
Yeah, I didn't know what a "carrot" is either.Turns out, it's an attractive runner in flattering run-wear that, theoretically, would be motivating for the male runner to follow, like a horse following a carrot.So. Backing up. I ran a 5K Saturday with my daughter for charity.And I wore this:And I'm all proud of myself and exhausted but feeling pretty badass for completing it and my friend Sharon pulls up in the car next to me and rolls down her window.Sharon: Hey! Good job! You guys made a pre... Read Full Story
So I complained to my doctor about a month ago that I'm having trouble sleeping, he prescribes me "Zolpidem" and of course I don't read the instructions.
Which are mostly warning you not to take the pill til you're in bed.
So I take it while I'm still at my computer, fall asleep sitting up, get woken up by my daughter, and walk into a wall.
I tell my mom the story and she's all: "It's not Ambien, is it? Because people do weird things on Ambien." and I'm all "No, no, no - it's Zolpidem."
W... Read Full Story
This actual convenience store video has been making the rounds the past couple of weeks....but you haven't seen it til you've seen this "silent film-ized" version:
Thanks to my awesome reader Katie for the link.
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You know how it sucks to have a boss that's a know-it-all retard and never listens to your suggestions?
That's how my car GPS feels about me.
GPS: "In about 1 mile, bear right onto...US...Route 1 South."
Me: That makes no sense.
GPS: "In about 500 feet..bear right onto US...Route 1 South."
Me: Screw that.
GPS: "Please bear right."
Me: Shut up.
GPS: "Please make a legal U-turn, if possible."
Me: Just relax. I know what I'm doing.
GPS: (auto re-routing) "Christ."
Me: WHAT??!!!
GPS: "... Read Full Story
This video is more just straight-up awesome than LOL. As far as I can tell, people fall into 2 categories: The people who say "I wish I worked there", and the people who say "I wouldn't want to be the one paying these guys' salaries"Which one are you? Read Full Story
Time's up.
Because unless you guessed
"removing my friend Susan's dead guinea pig from her kitchen counter that just seized up and died in front of 2 of her children sending her rushing the distraught children into the car to make it to sports on time then texting me while I'm at karate that holy crap her 3rd child is about to arrive home to find said rodent all: "hello- I'm dead" next to the fruit bowl",
you guessed wrong.
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You guys. I have 1,013 followers on Twitter!!!!!
You know what that means???!!!!!
Only 1,358,572 more to go 'til I have as many as Dooce. W00t!
So! Let's get started with TWITTER RECAP, a.k.a. "What you've missed lately not following me on Twitter." And the answer is, 'nothing earth-shattering, but it's Sunday night and I don't have a blog post idea.'
(For the Twitless, Twitter is a social networking site where you type in short observations in 140 characters or less... Read Full Story
