theuserpool

This morning I sent an email to my boss Mulhausen about a big presentation we're doing in a couple  of days. I asked if he wanted to set up an internal meeting to rehearse. His response: "Rehearsal is for fags." He copied my entire staff.  Apparently someone got offended and forwarded the email to Human Resources , who immediately reprimanded Mulhausen for using the term "fags" to refer to homosexuals. He responded by saying that he wasn't referring to homosexuals, only to people who... Read Full Story

I should write something new...  Read Full Story

I had drinks with Tabbatha last Wednesday night because my dick told me that I should. My brain told  me that I shouldn't, so I compromised by having drinks with her, but inviting my own cock block: Maharajapuram , my Inidan programming lead.  I invited Maharajapuram for drinks specifically because he does not drink. If you're going to invite your own cock block out for drinks, you need to make sure he doesn't become a whiskey dick or he's not gonna block anything.  On the other hand, I... Read Full Story

I was all prepared today to come up with an excuse not to have drinks with Tabbatha tonight. In fact, I  came up with a whole list to choose from:  Sick grandmother (oldie but a goody) Smithee , my imaginary boss, is making me work late I was bitten by a bat and need to go get a rabies shot I have to go home because I forgot to set my DVR to record People's Choice Awards I have AIDS Zombie Apocalypse But when she walked into my office this morning, she didn't look like sweet... Read Full Story

What's worse than having sex with someone who works for you? Having sex with two people who work  for you. It's not an ethical issue (for me); it's a question of complication. It's complicated enough having sex with the Users.  Knipples still wants me to have sex with her, even though she falls asleep every time we start having sex. And even though she never knows we're having sex because of her Sexolepsy , she thinks it's the greatest sex she's ever had. But when I have sex with Knipples... Read Full Story

After the first 4 plagues on HR a couple of weeks ago, Triplet, the VP of HR , accused me of being the  perpetrator of those plagues. Pangbourn , the executive sponsor of the Emergency Response Team , told Triplet that I could not possibly be the perpetrator of those plagues given that I'm neither a terrorist nor a satanist. Apparently, he did a full background check on me a few months back because he thought I might be the person trying to blow him up with a bomb.  Pangbourn is looking for... Read Full Story

Last week was the last straw for Human Resources . First they made me take down the "666" office  number I had put up, and now they won't approve me putting "Antichrist" on my business cards. How ridiculous.  Other run-ins with HR, just to cite a few more examples:  Girl Scout Cookies HR and Candy Bars Sexual Harassment Training A Wiener from Fucking Austria Aho Made Fun of Mai Ding Fire Drill Friday Insanity Stealing from the Company So I decided last week to take... Read Full Story

I'm convinced that a good relationship boils down to the number of stories you have to exchange. Once you run out of stories to tell each other or begin repeating stories, the relationship is over. Then you become that couple sitting at dinner who doesn't speak to each other. We all make fun of that couple until we become that couple.  The beauty of a dysfunctional relationship is that it can go on for years independent of the stories you have to tell.  Blair and I have a near perfect... Read Full Story

It's never a good idea to have sex with someone who works for you. Which is why I never hire hot  women. Not that there's an over abundance of hot women in the field of technology, but you do occasionally come across a candidate that doesn't fit the geek profile. At all. If I hire a hot woman, no matter how professional I keep it, sooner or later I will rationalize that professionalism right into the bedroom.  Thus, my personal recruitment rule: Do not hire hot women.  A few weeks ago... Read Full Story

Ernst & Young auditors have learned that the more tits and ass they bring to a meeting with me, the  less difficult I'll be. The less tits and ass they bring, the more difficult I'll be. And with no tits and ass, it will be absolutely impossible to deal with me.  I've been meeting with E&Y auditors to discuss SOX compliance as it relates to our software deployment process. These are the same compliance requirements that were in place when the mortgage industry collapsed. So not only is it... Read Full Story