While Blair is keeping Smithee at bay until Gladstone's return from his boondoggle in New Orleans, I'll tell you a quick story about my trip to Miami. First day, I fell out of a tree trying to fuck a local Cuban girl I met at a bar. Her name was Dominga. After a couple of tequila shots at the bar, we started talking about the differences between Miami and LA. I brought up the fact that people in Miami for some reason don't indulge in the popular LA practice of tree sex. This immediately ... Read Full Story

Fucking over your imaginary boss is not as difficult as it sounds. I'm sure Smithee thought he was in a good position to fuck me over because he does not exist. However, there were a few factors he might not have considered. While Smithee cannot say I am one place if I am actually someplace else, I can always say Smithee is anywhere because he is always nowhere. And while Smithee cannot say I am doing one thing if I am actually doing something else, I can always say Smithee is doing anything... Read Full Story

Last week, my imaginary boss Smithee threatened to remove my left nut by Monday if I didn't pay Tawny the Temp for sexual services rendered.  I didn't pay on Monday and I still have my left nut.  Normally, I am not very intimidated by threats; even less so when I am being threatened by an imaginary person. At the same time, I adore my nuts.  It's kind of like being in the Hatch on Lost and typing in the magic number every 108 minutes so that the world doesn't end.  If... Read Full Story

Monday After my imaginary boss sent me that kind email threatening to remove my left testicle if I didn't pay his ho, I decided a little tree therapy was in order. I tried to explain to Fred the Therapist: "My imaginary boss sent me an email," I said. "The imaginary boss you made up that everyone else believes is real?" "That's the one." "Was it an imaginary email or a real one?" "Real." "Did you send it to yourself?" "N... Read Full Story

After a few anonymous death threats this week, I received an email message today that revealed the identity of Tawny the Temp's pimp. Well, sort of. I told Chelsea the Intern what happened when I went out with Tawny the Temp last week. She gave me that I told your ass so look, but didn't gloat about it because she was too infuriated for being right about that bitch. She wanted to take quick action against the temp to remedy the situation. "I know a guy," she said. "... Read Full Story

I took Tawny the Temp for drinks on Friday after work. I try not to fuck around with women who don't have just as much to lose as I do, i.e. a marriage, but in this case I was trying to prove a point to Chelsea the Intern.  If you can prove a point by having sex with someone, I believe that always the best route to take. The point is, just because Tawny the Temp is young and pretty with plenty of cleavage and a tight little ass, doesn't mean she's a prostitute.  We ... Read Full Story

Chelsea the Intern doesn't like Tawny the new Temp because she believes the Tawny the Temp is stealing her business. While Tawny the Temp does look like a precocious young prostitute, I assured Chelsea the Intern that she is only being paid to answer phones, manage schedules and file documents. Tawny the Temp is blond, short with nice legs and tits, but an amazing ass. And she likes to wear clothing that accentuates this particular endowment.  Chelsea the Intern spends a good ma... Read Full Story

After reading through the Wall Street Journal on Friday, I realized why my company is so disconnected from the rest of the business world. Our office building has crash-landed on a desert island in the middle of the south Pacific and we are Lost.  We have been cut off from the rest of the civilized business community and are forced to come up with our own crude policies, procedures, and methodologies with the limited resources this island has to offer.  We are constantly thwart... Read Full Story

HR called me down for questioning on Monday regarding the Bloody Presentation incident. Triplet, the VP of HR, offered me a seat, then paced around me like a blood thirsty buzzard. Her fantasies of being "The Closer" were more alive than ever. She must have just watched an episode the night before.  She showed me exhibit "A", the bloody presentation. "Someone get a nose bleed?" I asked. She stopped in front of me and gave me a scrutinizing eye--as if she co... Read Full Story

Kessler hates Fernandez more than anyone, including me. This is because Kessler knows more about Fernandez than anyone. Kessler is the Exchange Manager, so he has access to everyone's email. Listen and take heed: Your password is encrypted, so even the Exchange technical team can't get into your mailbox without changing your password first. If your password suddenly no longer works, you know someone has gotten into your email.  But the Exchange technical team can still get ... Read Full Story