Interrogation

HR called me down for questioning on Monday regarding the Bloody Presentation incident.

Triplet, the VP of HR, offered me a seat, then paced around me like a blood thirsty buzzard. Her fantasies of being "The Closer" were more alive than ever. She must have just watched an episode the night before. 

She showed me exhibit "A", the bloody presentation.

"Someone get a nose bleed?" I asked.

She stopped in front of me and gave me a scrutinizing eye--as if she could determine with just a look if I were lying.

"No," she said. "We suspect this is menstrual blood." 

"Someone used Fernandez' presentation as a tampon?" I asked.

Triplet did not like this comment as represented with a sneer.

"Fernandez believes you're responsible," she said.

"Not possible," I said. "I'm not expecting my period for another two weeks."

Heavy sigh.

"Fernandez believes you had sex on his desk with a woman who was on her period," she said.

"I would never have sex on his desk with a woman who was on her period." 

Triplet squinted her eyes at me. "And if she wasn't on her period?"

"I don't have sex, period," I said. "No pun intended."

"Really..." she said with cynicism. "Why is that?"

"I'm married." 

Triplet hates when she can't intimidate me. The more she tries to intimidate me, the less intimidated I become. The less intimidated I become, the more intimidated she becomes. The more intimidated she becomes, the more frustrated she becomes and eventually abandons her fantasy of being "The Closer". 

At that point she sat down at her desk.

"Can you account for your whereabouts last Thursday night?" she asked.

"Yes," I said. "I was in a tree."

"More therapy?"

"Not that kind of a tree," I said.

"Who can verify that?"

"The woman who was up in the tree with me."

"What were you doing up in a tree with a woman?"

"Bird watching."

"At night?"

"Damn," I said. "Is that why we didn't see any birds?"

Triplet just shook her head. She picked up her pen ready to scribble.

"What was the woman's name?"

"She wants to remain anonymous," I said. "Her husband doesn't like her bird watching."

When I left Triplet in her office, she was completely frustrated. But she should be used to that by now. She just can't win. I don't know why she even tries anymore.

Fernandez has been pissy all week. Kessler has been happy all week.

I love my job.