Lost

After reading through the Wall Street Journal on Friday, I realized why my company is so disconnected from the rest of the business world.

Our office building has crash-landed on a desert island in the middle of the south Pacific and we are Lost. 

We have been cut off from the rest of the civilized business community and are forced to come up with our own crude policies, procedures, and methodologies with the limited resources this island has to offer. 

We are constantly thwarted by "The Others," who are also known as Corporate IT. They try to infiltrate us, pretend they are working with us--but really, they're working against us. Their agenda is sabotage, not synergy. I see right through their ruse. 

Fernandez used to work for Corporate IT; I don't think he ever really left. In fact, he's probably still their leader. Let's call him "Has-Ben". 

The SOX initiative, also known as the Karma initiative (what your company reaps, so shall your company sow), has been here since I arrived. This initiative is run by E&Y, who has enforced the use of the most inept and ineffective controls in order to satisfy government compliance, and more importantly, to pretend to ensure the safety of our company.

For example, any change order, data fix, or enhancement request that is intended to go into the system needs my email approval at every stage of the process. I have been told by E&Y, if I don't check my email every hour and click the "Approval" button, the company will explode. 

So every hour, I click to save our company from a cataclysmic disaster. 

The leader of the island may very well be Smithee. Nobody has ever seen him, although many purport to have spoken to him in person so that others will think he or she is cool. This took the pressure off of me to pretend my imaginary boss was real, since everyone else started pretending he was real for me. At this point, so many people have seen my imaginary boss, I'm beginning to believe he might be real after all.

I am constantly surprised by the fact that we continue to make a profit in this business with so many incompetent business people working against that goal. But this is, after all, the business of licensing. And with a brand like ours, it simply sells itself. 

Both the island and brand are mystical. They transcend time and space, as well as the complete ineptitude of its inhabitants.   

The good thing about this island is there are a lot more women to fuck than just a single Kate.  So although I've had the opportunity to leave the island on a submarine, I have declined because there's just too much pussy to pass up for freedom. 

I'm afraid, my friends, I will be stranded in this company forever.