How to Steal Cookies from a 13-Year-Old

Pangbourn drugged and then had sex with his assistant's 13-year-old sister when she tried to sell him Girl Scout cookies. 

Since Pangbourn has contributed so much to this company, including the Bomb Threat Checklist, Human Resources has decided that this means he has done nothing wrong.

Also, given the incident happened over a week ago, HR says enough time has passed that we should all just move on. 

HR issued this statement:

Whatever you think about this so-called "horrific, indisputably grotesque crime," it would be irresponsible of this organization to ignore the monumental contributions Pangbourn has made that have directly impacted this company's bottom line. 

Debra, his assistant, has forgiven Pangbourn, since her 13-year-old sister is too young to really understand the concept. We do, however, anticipate that when she's reached the age of 45, she will long since gotten over it and ultimately forgive him completely.

Regardless, the Girl Scouts of America are not satisfied. It seems that after the rape Pangbourn did not give the girl money for the cookies he took. They had this to say:

Apparently in this country a man with executive status can get away with drugging and raping a Girl Scout and not pay one dime for her cookies. We are not going to let him get away with this.

While the police have been notified, apparently they have their hands full with all the blatant violations of the new laws regarding the use of mobile phones while driving. They won't be available for comment until early next year. 

One of Pangbourn's executive peers also commented:

Osmund: Since it was just rape and not rape-rape, and definitely not rape-rape-rape, I don't know what the big deal is. Just because someone is drugged and repeatedly says "no" to forced intercourse, doesn't mean you have been rape-raped or even rape-rape-raped. He's an executive for god sake. What did she ever do for this company? She sold a few cookies. Get a real job, then come complain.

Before HR had issued their statement, it was thought that Pangbourn had gone into hiding. However it was later discovered that he was actually just stuck in the bathroom, having been penguined by Kessler.

Sooner or later, as long as Kessler is around, executives at this company will pay for their crimes.