What I’m Learning

I had my coaching session with Jennifer Priest. Like an eager pupil, I was happy to tell her about my epiphany this weekend. As we discussed it, I talked about the struggles of balancing care of the children with job hunting and a freelance project or two I have. I realized in the past I had created rigid schedules only to be frustrated by them and toss the idea out the window. We talked about thinking of my day as more or less having a framework behind it - a routine - rather than specific times and rigid structure. Jennifer pointed out to me that I have struggled over the last years with being forced in a box by a man who is rigid. When I didn’t fit with the expectations and limitations of the box, I was chastised and beat back into it. I’ve been used to the criticism and judgmental attitude and this is now my chance to explore who I am and what works best for me and my children.

Another big realization came when I realized that having the confidence I can make it in life, I am good enough as I am and I don’t “need” a person to make me whole not only makes me a better person, but paves the way for a better relationship in the future with someone else. But the happiest and biggest piece of that was finding out that it wasn’t the idea of now being better equipped for a relationship, but being better equipped for myself that made me feel the best. I don’t have anxiety over the idea of a relationship. I don’t worry that I won’t be good enough. Because - I am fine. Just as I am.

Sure, I have things, aspects of myself I want to improve. But - the fear, the worry that I am somehow grossly defective is gone. It is a liberating realization that if something catastrophic happened, I wouldn’t fall apart. It is a grand and thrilling idea to realize my worth. Not in an egotistic way, but in a way that I will be able to care for my children and my self. That I can accomplish what I want to accomplish. That I will be ok in this life regardless of what happens.