Old novelty songs. Gotta love ‘em. Really you do. And you gotta wonder what was going through the writer’s head when he/she put them to paper. They’ve been around forever, some funny, some even a bit cruel and definitely not PC. (“Slap her Down Again, Pa” anyone?) There’s “Does Your Chewing Gum Lose its Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight?” Ok, anyone out there in the habit of sticking their gum on the bedpost after hitting the sack? Does anyone like to take their gum out of their mouth and... Read Full Story

I’ve spent too much time getting hit in the head growing up. Some who know me will say that explains a lot. It started at a young age, three, I think. I was not the most graceful of tykes. At an age when my head was still a little soft (ok, ok, stop that snickering), I toddled my way right into the edge of a door jamb. I don’t recollect the incident but I am told I knocked myself out for a few minutes. In fact, I still have a nice little dent in my forehead from that bit of swiftness. And a... Read Full Story

I’m wondering about some things… No, not why don’t chimps use toilet paper. Um, how do they…nevermind, that’s another piece altogether. I am pondering deeper, more philosophical things. Such as why are Apple Jacks called Apple Jacks? They don’t look like jacks. Assuming anybody under my age even knows what those are. For those who don’t, they are some sharp little metal toys you grab by dropping a ball into the middle of them. The winner is the one with the least number of spikes embedded... Read Full Story

Last week I talked a bit about how I wasn’t in line when the “Fix it” gene was passed out. Well, I must have missed signing up for a few other lines that day because I didn’t get the “Build it” gene, either. Oh, I can break things pretty well. I have quite a talent for that. Just ask any of my unlucky friends with model airplanes. I can’t hit a nail with a hammer to save my life—unless my thumb is on top of it. Then my aim is unerring. And if by some miracle I do manage to miss my thumb or... Read Full Story

THE CHLOE FILES #1: Ashes to Ashes Chloe's inaugural adventure kicking Evil's butt is now available at Barnes & Noble, Borders and other fine online stores. A silver locket said to have belonged to Joan of Arc and a children's nursery rhyme... A 600-year-old monkey with an attitude and a mysterious supernatural symbol on a Caller ID box... A deadly plague reemerging in the seaside town of New Salem, Maine, and the manifestation of a little girl's ghost... How do these tie in with the... Read Full Story

I was born without the “Fix it” gene. Seriously. Most guys I know can fix things when they break, but me, I am mechanically retarded. Oh, I can change a tire, assuming some idjit didn’t pneumatically tighten the lug nuts to the point where it would take a jackhammer to get them off. I tried changing a car battery once…it was the 80s, so it was a good ten years too late for me to jump on the Afro craze. And the term “dead battery”? That’s a misnomer. They might not start a Pinto but they can... Read Full Story

Anybody who knows me knows how much I love going to the dentist. It’s right up there with getting my fingers caught in a car door or sitting naked on one of those spiked pads cops lay down to stop high-speed chase cars. The hygienist always says the same dumb thing too: do you know your blood pressure is 180 over 105? Well, no, pumpkin, I didn’t know the exact number but I could tell from the nice tomato color of my face and weird throbbing pulse in my temple something was up. It’s a way... Read Full Story

For those of us who grew up as fans of ‘60s and early ‘70s TV there are just some things that should have been kept secret. It’s probably lucky we find out about these things as adults because by then it’s a bit too late to taint our nostalgia, but just the same… Take for instance Greg Brady. Super groovy cool big bro of the Brady brood. Now did we really need the revelation the eldest Brady boy was learning the facts of life from Mama Brady? Um, no. While at the same time imparting those... Read Full Story

I’ve been wondering about cheese. People love cheese. Extra cheese on my pizza, please. Load those nachos up with double cheese. But it’s a love-hate kinda thing, isn’t it? Because when you think about it, some not so pleasant things are associated with the word cheese. When folks say something is cheesy, well, it is generally not meant in a positive sense. When we get mad some of us get cheesed off. And of course there’s nothing good whatsoever about the phrase “cut the cheese.” Unless... Read Full Story

It feels good, doesn’t it, guy? Your knuckles smashing into her face, bloodying her nose or mashing her lip. You love the sense of supremacy and domination your strength, your violence gives you over her. It’s gratifying to see her cower, tears streaming from her eyes, sobs shuddering through her body. It makes your heart sing and your ego blaze. She’s weak and YOU are mighty. All powerful. YOU have the control over YOUR world. No one can touch you as you loom over her, your fist raised, your... Read Full Story