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The past few weeks...

Sat, 2 Nov 2008 21:59:00 GMT

posted by CheekyBum
I thought it’s about time for me to update my blog since I haven’t been around since I’ve been back in SA.

Yeah… So a lot has happened and I’m not really sure where to start.

As I’m sitting here, I’m not only sad but also a bit depressed and very stressed…oh and angry!

So what happened in the end is that on 7 October when Xaynee was supposed to receive her Botox injection, they didn’t give it BUT they continued with an operation. I have no say apparently. I was sad that I couldn’t be there for my little girl and it broke my heart to think of the pain she must have been going through while I wasn’t even allowed to visit her in hospital. I hate Johan more than ever.

Since then I’ve seen my lawyer and the social worker who works with my lawyer on cases like this. I told them about the possibility that Johan might not be Xaynee’s father and they told me that we should get DNA tests done.

It’s expensive and I have to pay for it but I’m having it done coz after I took a walk through memory lane and did some calculations I’m about 99 percent sure that Johan ain’t Xaynee’s father. I guess in a way I always knew but I blocked it out because of my fear for Johan.

In the end I decided to make the appointment for the tests coz that’s the easiest way to get Xaynee back and then I’ll have sole right to take her out of SA. I also found out LeRoy’s surname is Van Rensburg from his old work and they gave me his ID number. At least now I’ll have something to give Xaynee if she ever wants to track him down.

Here are some photos of me and Johan with Xaynee and one of Lili and Xaynee with Johan’s other children, Melani and Rone.

I can only hope and pray now but these photos reassured me as you can clearly see that Xaynee looks different, but then again…you never know and the doubt is gonna eat at me for the next week.

Lili… I just don’t know what to think or do anymore. I don’t even cry anymore. It’s just like a physical pain whenever I think of her so at the moment I’m trying not to think about her at all.

When I phoned last Thursday she did speak to me but she sounded like a different child. She wasn’t my enthusiastic and happy little girl anymore. She said she doesn’t like school anymore and she sounded monotonous. She wasn’t the excited child who spoke to me over the phone just before I left Guernsey who used to remind me to bring her cellphone anymore and I know that there is something not right about all of this. Two weeks before that Dolf answered the phone and said I should phone in a few minutes coz he was at work. I phoned again later and he was still at work so he told me to phone his wife’s number. When I phoned his wife she said that Lili was asleep already so I asked Elsabe what time I could phone the next day and she said at 4pm. When I phoned the next day at 4pm Dolf answered and said I could speak to Lili the next Thursday so I got angry and said to him that it wasn’t my fault he wasn’t home the previous night and he said it wasn’t his problem and he put down the phone on me. I phoned again and Lili answered and shouted at me that she didn’t wanna speak to me. That broke my heart.
I didn’t phone the week thereafter and only phoned again last Thursday when she finally spoke to me.

Well, I’m not gonna go into my feelings or what this is doing to me. I’m still only keeping this blog in the hope that it will open people’s eyes about how this fucked up law system in South Africa is ruining the relationship between a mother and her children but I swear, as I always said…I will never stop fighting.

Second thoughts

Mon, 24 Jun 2008 03:41:00 GMT

posted by CheekyBum
I'm not even really in the mood to be typing here. I haven't slept all night and I'm depressed and sad. Everything is finally getting to me end I don't have the wiilpower to stop it any longer because I am just not happy.

I can go on for ages and explain how I'm feeling but I really can't be bothered anymore. As I'm mainly keeping this blog to keep record of everything as far as my shildren are concerned, I don't see the point in even complaining about it anymore.

Im just fed up to be honest.

On Saturday Dolf answered the phone and told me that Lili didn't want to speak to me. It was strange because I actually gave my parents time to phone her first, so I phoned them and asked if they remembered to phone her and my dad told me that Dolf kept ignoring their phone calls. He tried phoning again then from another number and Elsabe told my mom that Lili didn't want to speak to them either.

Last night I phoned again and Elsabe told me again that Lili didn't want to speak to me. I just put the phone down without saying a word. I phoned my dad and asked him to phone and he was told the same by Dolf.

Not much I can do about it except just send another email to the social worker. It's just frustrating because she isn't doing much to help me either and I'm starting to get scared that I won't be able to see Lili when I go back.

I also told my dad the truth about Xaynee's paternity, but he seems to think that I'm lying about it. He's actually convinced that Johan is her father. Doesn't matter I guess.

Nothing really does.

My oldest brother finally contacted me after more than a year, which is about the only thing that I'm glad about at the moment.

The new immunosupressants the specialist has put me on is causing me to feel like shit, but at least I've got rid of most of the water retention and I don't feel so uncomfortable anymore.

I have finally come to realize that I am really unhappy. Andy and I have been slowly drifting apart and even though I know that he means well and probably does love me, I am starting to doubt that this is going to work out. He is on the computer most of the time when he;s at home, either playing games or doing something else, while I have started to turn my focus to just cleaning the house and doing ironing or watching movies...anything to keep myself busy. I've never felt so alone. He doesn't read my blog anymore either, so I really don't care care what I write in here and even if he does...at least I;m being honest.

The sadness is slowly tearing me apart, but I refuse to cry. Somehow I've found a way to supress all the physical and emotional pain I feel and I choose not to give in to the hurt and pain that goes along with giving in to tears. I just don't think I'll be able to pull through it. Not alone.

My dad sent me these two photos the other day after he got his computer working again, it made me smile for a while at least to see my two little girls when they were still so small.

The one of Xaynee (below) was taken when she was only about a year old and the one of Lili on the right was taken by my dad when she was three years old. It is his favourite picture of her because she was so angry. On the photo she has stones in her hand and the angry look was because my mom told her to throw the stones away before she could get back into the car.

Well, it's 5:30 am now and i'm finally getting tired. I'm actually suprised that I managed to finish this to be honest. Hopefully I'll feel better when I wake up.

Yesterday...

Sun, 26 May 2008 11:37:00 GMT

posted by CheekyBum

Well, after my terrible tantrum yesterday...I took some time to think, something I should've done a long time ago.

It all started with me and Andy having an argument about his daughter. I want for him to fight to get visitation rights and he just couldn't seem to be bothered. Then it hit me that he turned down the visitation rights he had because he didn't want to see his child under supervision. I was disgusted, thinking of myself again, I thought that if I had Lili so close to me, I would do anything to see her, even if it is under supervision.

So I ended up sleeping downstairs in the lounge and when I woke up, I told Mathew that I want my money because I want to go back to South Africa.

But then I had a talk with Andy again and I realised I was being selfish. I wasn't him and he needed to deal with this in his own time.

Then I tried phoning Lili, because I was too sick yesterday and Dolf wouldn't let me talk to her. I asked him if he would just explain to her why I couldn't phone the day before and he was rude when he said "No, I think she understands". As if he was insinuating that I just didn't care. He told me to phone on Monday. When I put down the phone, I couldn't stop crying.

Then I started thinking...

I realised that my children became my obsession and I had to let go.

Yeah... I know this is going to sound as if I am a bad mother and that I just don't care, but this is how I see it...

1. My children are all I think about, talk about and dream about and it is the only think I focus on. It meant that my relationship with Andy and everyone around me has become strained.

2. I was being selfish. Yes, I did want the best for my children, but I wanted them with ME more.

3. I was getting sicker and sicker, I need to focus on regaining my strength and getting well again.

4. If my fight for my kids has put such a tremendous strain on my and Andy's relationship, I know that it must be doing the same to Dolf and his wife. I see his wife as a kind-hearted person and the fact that she was being rude to me the other day should've opened my eyes already. In the end, it's not me, Andy, Dolf or Elsabe who is suffering the most. It's my little girl.

5. I remembered how I prayed to God and asked for his help. I knew that these were the answers I needed. I need to move on, let go and allow God to handle this for me, because I can't.

I talked it over with Andy and he told me to think about my decision for a day and then, if I'm still sure that it's the right thing to do, I can go ahead. Well, I've had time and this is my decision:

*Lili*

I am going to trust Dolf and Elsabe that they only want what is best for my daughter and that they will look after her. I would like to be able to talk to my daughter comfortably and see her whenever I go to SA. I want to be able to send her presents and know that she will get it and I want Dolf and Elsabe to stop worrying so that we can build up a trusting relationship where my daughter can feel she is not just an object worth fighting over.

*Xaynee*

I want to ask Johan that we share custody without me going back to SA. I am going to leave this up to him. Xaynee will never have the life of a normal child and I think she will not be disrupted as much if we can agree to let her stay with each of us for six months at a time. I think that in the long run it will be best for her as she will also be getting the medical treatment that she needs.

All I can do is hope and pray that this is going to work out ok and I am going to start focusing on getting well again, I need to.

I don't care what people think. I love my children more than anything and that will never change, but this is what I need to do.

I tried

Sun, 26 May 2008 17:12:00 GMT

posted by CheekyBum

I phoned Johan and tried to talk to him. He just told me that if I didn't send him money, he's not going to allow for me to see Xaynee.

Then I phoned Lili. I asked her if I could talk to Dolf and at first he listened, then he said that he will give me his attorney's telephone number. I told Lili that I';d speak to her again, but Dolf hang up and wouldn't answer the phone again.

I tried.

Don't know what to do anymore :'(

Disappointed and Angry

Thu, 25 Jul 2008 08:39:00 GMT

posted by CheekyBum
On 12 May this year I wrote on this blog how happy I was that I finally found a social worker who seemed to understand my situation. I was wrong, VERY wrong.

I'm referring to the social worker in Bloemfontein ofcourse, the one from the organisation I contacted when I had so much trouble getting hold of Lili.

Well, she had her appointment with Dolf and Elsabe on Monday and when I didn't hear anything from her by Tuesday, I phoned her office and asked for her to email me because she was busy. Yesterday I got her email and this was her reply:

"Ek het toe ‘n afspraak Maandag 21 Julie met die Kotze – egpaar gehad wat hulle nagekom het. Daaruit is besluit dat ons vir Alicia gaan assesseer en ‘n afspraak daarvoor is in Augustus verkry. Ons gaan haar forensies assesseer ten einde te let op die moontlike seksuele mishandeling wat in haar verlede plaasgevind het.

Ek wil net ook weer die rolle reg definieer. Ek is die herenigings werker wat ‘n diens aan Mnr Kotze verleen, m.a.w., ek moet hulle help dat Alicia suksesvol by hulle aanpas en aanbly. My verantwoordelikheid is dus grootliks by hulle. Dit het tot gevolg dat ek nie elke keer wat ek met hulle te doen gehad het vir jou terugvoer gaan gee nie. Die maatskaplike werker in Kuruman is seker nog by jou betrokke."

I was so upset by this that Andy couldn't take it anymore I guess coz he sent her an email telling her exactly what he thought of it all.

In the first place there is the assessment that they want to do on Lili. (Damn woman even spelled her name wrong.) Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against it being done but I'm a bit confused. If I remember correctly Lili was assessed BEFORE the court case in July last year? If the allegations is true, I swear I will probably kill Johan, but the part I really don't understand is why Dolf allowed Johan to speak to her on her birthday then while he was ignoring all of MY phone calls? Something just doesn't make sense.

Then there's her saying in the email that she is the REUNIFICATION worker and her responsibility lies mainly with Dolf and Elsabe. First of all, who contacted her in the first place FOR reunification services? Or will someone please define that word for me, coz I'm getting more and more angry and confused here.

Also, so that Lili can stay with them? Everyone seems to be forgetting that this was a TEMPORARY placement.

Then she comes out with the social worker in Kuruman which left me even more confused. Even if there WAS a social worker in Kuruman, what would she be able to do about it?

Oh, but here comes the best part. Yesterday I also received a letter from the ISS UK and the guy asked me for more details and so on. So I sent it to him and forwarded this email, but just as I was about to send it Andy noticed something strange.

She sent that email to the social worker I filed the complaint against in Pretoria and who is working on Xaynee's case as well! So I browsed through my inbox and saw that she's been doing this since 12 June.

I just don't see what the two social workers have to do with one another and why this was done. I have nothing to hide, but why can social workers not be trusted? And how the hell did these two come across one another?

I'm considering my options here, but I'm to angry to be making any decisions right now. The guy from ISS UK knows that I'm questioning the integrity of the social workers in SA, but what can I do about it?

All I wanted was to be sure that I would be able to see Lili. I was even willing to leave Lili in Dolf's care at one point, but now I'm not so sure. It is clear that he got the social worker exactly where he wants her through his lies once again and I'm getting fed up.

I know for a fact that Dolf can not have changed. He was violent and abusive even before I met him and he was the same after I left him from what I could gather from the woman he used to be engaged to who I met at the court that day. Men like that don't change overnight. Problem is that there is no way that I can prove that Lili's behaviour is caused by him and not the past. Not while she is being manipulated.

There is nothing I can do. Again.