Welcome back to the TV Boyfriend Smackdown! We pit two (or three) of television’s most eligible (and fictional) bachelors against one another, and discuss their merits with regard to three major categories: attractiveness, personality, and potential for capital-D Drama. Based on our spirited debate, we’ll declare a winner, but fear not: you’ll have a chance to weigh in as well.
This week, in honor of Scandal’s season finale on Thursday, we’re pairing up Scandal’s slightly less-eligible bachelors, the two spies currently warring over Quinn’s heart: Huck and Charlie. If you're not fully caught up to date on the shocking Scandal shenanigans, beware of spoilers here — if we’re going to judge thoroughly, we’re going to judge on everything that’s happened so far and we can’t be held responsible for your inability to Hulu or Netflix in a timely manner. Let the smackdown begin!
Lindsay's Take: So the fact that George Newbern, the actor who plays Charlie, was in the Father of the Bride movies makes it even more disconcerting that he now plays a man who drills power tools into testicles for a living. Sure, he’s a big fan of water boarding, but could he torture his way into your heart? Let’s see.
- Attractiveness: Charlie is not a bad-looking cat. He has crystal blue eyes, nice stubble (on those days he’s been torturing too much to shave), and he wears a lot of spy-level black, which is very slimming. Without the leather gloves and ski mask that he uses to silently break into Amanda Tanner’s home, you’d think he was just a regular, decent-looking guy on the street.
- Personality: Well, this is where is gets interesting. As a member of B613, Charlie is trained not to have emotions, lest they get in the way of his planned torture and execution of Washington’s enemies. If he doesn’t have emotion, how can he cuddle? He also has no real loyalty, since he just takes whatever paying assassin jobs he can get. That’s not beneficial to a relationship. There is a glimmer of like (I wouldn’t say love, but I would maybe say lust) with Quinn, but his crazy jealous streak in their relationship (he asked, oh, 30,000 times about her altercation with Huck) makes him D.O.A., personality-wise
- Possible Drama: Um, his whole life? Charlie is basically a robot who drills n' kills for pleasure, so to end his drama would be to end his whole sense of purpose, his way of being. Could he do it? I’m not so sure.
- Attractiveness: I agree with Lindsay: Charlie is an attractive, if somewhat vanilla, guy. Sometimes his baby blues even betray a spark of something, which is pretty magical considering Charlie’s not supposed to have feelings.
- Personality: Charlie and Huck are pretty much equal in the “I like, nay, I get off on, causing pain” arena, but where Charlie has the disadvantage is his lack of loyalty, as Lindsay pointed out. He’s a gun for hire, and he’ll go wherever the job takes him. Also, maybe as a result of his own loyalty issues, he’s crazy paranoid and jealous. He moved himself into Quinn’s apartment to keep an eye on her. Like, he actually said that was the reason, to her face. RED FLAG.
- Possible Drama: Do you want a boyfriend or a dictator/babysitter? Because Charlie really seems to be both. Sure, it’s nice that his feelings for Quinn seem to put cracks in his icy exterior, but he went from “I like you” to “I love you” to “I want to watch your every move because I’m suspicious” in a heartbeat. And I’m pretty sure that if you ever tried to dump Charlie he’d pull all your fingernails out, and who wants to live with that omnipresent threat?
Jess' Take: Oh, Huck. Everyone favorite little hacker/reformed monster on Olivia’s leash. I like Huck, I do. But I really, really dislike watching him torture Quinn, lick her face (REPEATEDLY), awkwardly make-out with her while an innocent swan watches, and bang her on top of a car. So, full disclosure, that may sway me a little as I’m deciding whether or not Huck would make a good boyfriend.
- Attractiveness: If you ignore the fact that Huck always appears as if he’s trying to pierce whatever he’s looking at with invisible darts that shoot from his eyes, then yeah, Huck is objectively cute, though a bit short n’squat. I like his gruff stubble. But I can’t ignore his laser-beam gaze. It’s just too scarily intense, and that’ll cost him in the attractiveness department.
- Personality: Huck is fiercely loyal, but according to him, it’s only because he’s on Olivia’s leash. And because he’s a self-described domesticated beast, he’s still apt to break out and pee on the rug every so often (in this case “peeing on the rug” means “grossly misinterpret instructions and torture one of our own”). Also, he likes doing it (the torturing). That’s...kind of a problem for me.
- Possible Drama: Um, you could wake up one morning and be one molar short, which would be not only dramatic but traumatic, too. Dentistry issues aside, Huck pretty much only expresses his feelings via staring or gettin’ all S&M freaky-deaky (but, like, too extreme with it), and we all know the key to a successful relationship is communication. I know that his inability to communicate like a normal human being comes from years of psychological manipulation and torture, and I feel bad for the guy, I do, but that doesn’t mean I want to risk all the drama to date him.
- Attractiveness: I’m a facial hair kind of gal, so I do enjoy the stubble. And I have to agree on what Jess said about his eyes: they are piercing, but a little too piercing if you want to, say, gaze at each other over dinner. It would be a little scary to be with someone that intense. Sorry, Huck, but Charlie has the edge on you in the looks department.
- Personality: I’m really glad that Shonda Rhimes gave us that backstory as to what Huck’s life used to be (with the wife and the kids and all that), because it gave insight into what once was, before he, ya know, was thrown into the hole for however long and came out a walking, talking, coding, torturing machine. Despite his Golden Retriever-esque loyalty, I’m going with Jess on this and saying that loving torture is a turn-off.
- Possible Drama: Huck doesn’t have baggage: he’s got steamer trunks. He was at one point capable of love, and maybe he could snap out of his torturous ways, forget B613, and love again. Is Quinn that person for him? Is face-licking how he shows affection (Jesus)? Huck should move to Olivia’s rhetorical house in Vermont, forget his training, and live off the land with Quinn in face-licking, stocking-ripping, gruffly intense harmony instead of staying on Olivia’s payroll.
How do you choose between two men who love to cut open live people? You go for the guy who could possibly have heart, and that man is Huck. Sure, he’s had his issues, but he once had a wife and a child whom he loved very much, and we think that he could be (Quinn or not) redeemable with the right woman (and the right therapy). But Shonda, take note: We really don’t want to see any more face-licking, okay?
Disagree with our outcome? Well, you have a say, too! Just vote for your preferred winner in this round of the TV Boyfriend Smackdown below, and we’ll see you in two weeks for our next match-up!