'The Bachelor' Recap: When Did This Become 'America's Next Top Model?'


Tonight The Bachelor brought with it no shortage of cringe-worthy moments including rave-themed date, a woman that got way too drunk, and a photo shoot involving both dogs and nudity. 

One-On-One Date #1
Clare, the lady who showed up with a fake baby belly on last week’s premiere, got the first individual date for who knows why because she showed up with a fake baby belly last week. Juan Pablo took her to an artificial winter wonderland where they ice skated and gave each other hot tub massages because that’s what you do on a first date on The Bachelor. Clare got a rose at the end of the date and a kiss. Woo woo! First kiss alert!

One-on-One Date #2
Kat Not Kylie got the second date and she and Juan Pablo hopped on a private jet that took them to Salt Lake City. While on the jet, they changed into neon clothing with attached glow sticks. They ended up at something called the Electric Run where they lead people who were all also dressed in neon in a race that leads to a giant dance party. It was ridiculous. I don’t think they were on ecstasy so I don’t even know why they were at this thing. Anyway, Kat got a rose.

Group Date
This week’s group date was with 13 women and only four women were left out of getting no date whatsoever. The group date was a photo shoot supporting a charity called Models and Mutts where sexy photos are taken with dogs to promote animal adoption. It’s weird... So the ladies all got assigned different dogs and different outfits and had to pose with Juan Pablo. The Bachelor went full America’s Next Top Model and assigned two women tiny cardboard signs as their outfits. Elise smartly traded hers with Lucy the Free Spirit who has already been going topless around the lady house, while Andi the assistant district attorney was really confused and didn’t know what to do until Juan Pablo assured her he’d be nearly nude as well. In the end, Andi, JP, and Lucy all had a fun time posing nude together. See, I told ya, totally ANTM.

At the second part of the group date (the classy, after party part), Victoria got really drunk, cried in the bathroom, and complained to the producers that she was leaving right then and there in her bikini with no shoes. Renee tried to comfort her, followed by Juan Pablo, but nothing worked. Pretty much everyone else sat outside and gossiped about her.

Oh, and Kelly, whose occupation is conveniently listed as “dog lover,” got the group date rose for being a good sport during the photo shoot where she had to wear a bald cap and dress like a Chinese crested.

But What Happened to Victoria?!
After her escapades, Victoria got put up in a hotel room and Juan Pablo went by to talk with her the next day. She literally said “Welcome to Brazil!” when he walked in, which just shows how immature she is. I’m not hating on her, I would probably end up the same way if I was on The Bachelor. It’s a crazy show and some people just can’t handle it. In the end, because Juan Pablo is "32 with a daughter,” Victoria was sent home.

The Rose Ceremony
At the Rose Ceremony pre-party, Cassandra, who seemed to really have a connection with Juan Pablo in this episode (during the photo shoot they kissed Lady and the Tramp style), got all freaked out because she missed her son and didn't know if the show was the right thing for her. Renee, comforter that she is, tried to help Cassandra (they both have children) and then Juan Pablo stepped in to take over. She felt better, yadda yadda yadda, let’s get to Sharleen!

Sharleen didn’t get to go on any dates this week and she took her alone time with JP to apologize for being a little rude to him when he gave her the first impression rose last week. She seems like she actually wants to be there now, which is good because I love her, but also bad because I love her and she seems too normal for this. OMG! She should go date Brooks!

At the Rose Ceremony two women were kicked off: Chantel and Amy. This went against my previous prediction of Lucy the Free Spirit and anyone else.

This Week's Front Runners: Sharleen, Andi, Cassandra
Who Should Go Home Next Week: Lucy the Free Spirit, Clare the Pregnancy Faker (even though he seems to like her), Kelly the Dog Lover (her occupation is “dog lover!”)

What did you think of this week's Bachelor? Who should go home next? Who are you rooting for? Let us know in the comments!

Photos: ABC