(Getty Images, Bauer Griffin, Photo Agency)
It's almost unbelievable, but it seems true: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are officially over. We waited in the days after their split for the two to announce it was a publicity stunt. Then we saw pictures of Spencer running through the wilderness, and Heidi filing divorce papers, and we knew it for fact: the world's most paparazzi-friendly couple in the world had parted ways.
But every ending comes with a new beginning, and so we have decided to play matchmaker for these two. Following, our advice on five perfect matches for Heidi Montag, and five potential mates for Spencer Pratt. We hope we can help.
Heidi Bachelor #1: Michael Bay
Pros: Montag is a fan of Bay's, attempting via Twitter and YouTube videos to get him to cast her in the third Transformers movie. Plus, as the director of Transformers, Bay has a proven love of things that change their shape.
Cons: Montag has not, to date, managed to tranform herself into a supercharged Dodge Viper, removing some of the appeal for Bay.
Heidi Bachelor #2: Cristiano Ronaldo
Pros: Both have similar interests: tanning, tight clothes, designer brands, and generally looking good.
Cons: Heidi hasn't shown a ton of interest in soccer, nor does she speak Portuguese. There's also the matter of Ronaldo's recently born child.
Heidi Bacherlor #3: Aziz Ansari
Pros: Ansari, a rising young star, has a steady paycheck via Parks and Recreation, and has signed on to develop and star in three separate films with comedy godfather Judd Apatow. Also: snazzy dresser.
Cons: Ansari's parents are Tamil Muslims, while Montag is an avowed Christian. Someone would probably have to convert.
Heidi Bacherlor #4: Robert Pattinson
Pros: Pattinson is quite possible the biggest heartthrob on the planet now. Seems to have a good sense of humor about himself. English accents are always a big plus.
Cons: Pattinson does not seem to enjoy getting his picture taken by paparrazi quite as much as Montag does. There's the whole question of whether Pattinson would set his status as "Single" or "It's Compilcated." Finally, it would likely be tough for Montag to date someone with prettier hair.
Heidi Bachelor #5: Ban Ki-Moon
Pros: As UN Secretary General, Ban "the Bureaucrat" Ki-Moon has a Rolodex filled with the world's elite movers and shakers. As opposed to some of Montag's past boyfriends, Ban is by all accounts an unfailingly polite and kind person who has rarely, if ever, lost his temper. Really knows how to wear a suit.
Cons: Ban has been happily married to Yoo Soon-taek since 1971, with whom he has three daughters. Also, as UN Secretary General, Ban may have already had his fill of witnessing human tragedy.
Spencer Bachelorette #1: Tila Tequila
Pros: If there's anyone who enjoys the flash of a paparazzi's camera more than Pratt, it's Tila Tequila. Both are avid Twitter users, both have dreams of starting media empires, and both owe their fame to reality television.
Cons: Sometimes, two people are a little too much alike – could be a case of crazy fire mixing with cuckoo gasoline, creating an explosion of pure nutbar insanity.
Spencer Bachelorette #2: Pheobe Price
Pros: Instead of both Pratt and Price having to individually call paparazzi in order to do staged photo shoots, could save time and do them together.
Cons: Price's huge hats could potentially block out Pratt from the photographer's frame, which would create tension.
Spencer Bachelorette #3: Courtney Love:
Pros: For Pratt, a chance to finally be the "normal" one in the relationship.
Cons: Daily, largely incoherent Twitter fights with Love would surely become draining after a time.
Spencer Bachlorette #4: Lindsay Lohan
Cons: Issues with substance abuse. Reportedly broke. Headed to jail. Mentally unstable. Bad track history with exes. Crazy father. Is that enough? Do we need to keep listing them?
Spencer Bachelorette #5: Spencer Pratt
Pros: Markedly similar interests. Would be able to share a wardrobe, including crystals.
Cons: Would have to date Spencer Pratt.