Last week, Lil’ Mikey Montgomery blew the LiArs’ collective world right open when he revealed that MonA staged her murder. Yep, leave it to MonA. The only problem now is that MonA is missing and Mike cried his poor little eyes out. So did we. Anyway, does Mike have some more ‘splaining to do this week? Let’s find out.
Lindsay: Since we learned last week that MonA staged her murder (but is now missing), the liArs have to basically drag themselves to Ali in prison. Mea culpa! Mea culpa! Also, help us figure all of this out. Ali is obviously like, “huh, I’m in here for nothing?” and she says that she does not want to hurt Mike (Montgomery, Aria’s brother), but she may not have another choice. Ominous, of course, but that’s Ali. Hanna can’t bring herself to show up, and her absence is certainly noticed by Ali.
Jess: Alison asks Aria to hang back as the girls leave (gotta get to school, because I guess it’s 6 AM when they go on this little visit! Do the liArs sleep? I would be scared to, if I were them) and tells her that she’ll have to tell her lawyers about Mike because he may be her only shot at getting out of jail. Aria’s concerned that Mike will go straight to the top of A’s hit list if he’s Ali’s get-out-of-jail-free card, and she convinces Ali to hold off in case she can get Cyrus to talk. In the name of sisterly protection (she feels so guilty about last week), Aria pays Mama Hastings $1 for attorney-client privilege so she can describe the Mike sitch (without names and specifics, of course). Short answer? If Mike knowingly impeded a murder investigation, he is in Big Trouble. Cue nervous gulp from Aria. Mrs. H looks concerned by this story, but obviously not concerned enough to press Aria further or, you know, call the Montgomery parents or anything.
Lindsay: Mama Hastings (Spencer has a mom this week, you guys!) is none-the-pleased that Spencer went to prison to visit Ali. She says she’s been spending enough time trying to keep Spencer out of jail, so for her to go there is, well, just stupid. Mrs. Hastings also tells Spencer that she gave Wren a buzz and he got her an interview at Oxford. Pack your bags, Spence! You’re going to stay with Wren and Melissa in London! We’re going international, baes! Let it be known that I still think that Wren has something to do with all this A business. I will take that to the end of the show. Later, Mama Hastings also visits Ali, because she’s like “hey, why are my daughter and her friends visiting you?” Ali says she knows the truth, and she wants Mrs. Hastings to be her coach to tell her story on the stand.
Jess: And how else does Ali spend her time in prison, when not entertaining guests like the liArs and Mrs. Hastings? Doing orange jumpsuit laundry, and while she’s watching the cycles spin, tracing “MONA” into the dusty table. Careful eyes will notice that the “A” in Ali’s “MONA” is written just like the “A” of… “A.” Hmmm! When she returns to the laundry room later, someone has written “told everything” just below “MONA.” The plot thickens (and so does the dust — man, prison is dirty)! Later, she gets a rusty tin can rolled into her cell. But surprise, there’s a gift from A inside! A little prisoner worry doll and a note that says “You’re already over a barrel. Wanna be in one, too? -A.” Barrel is the new shovel, guys.
Lindsay: When Spencer arrives in London, she meets Wren’s flatmate, Colin, who gives her the required British slang lesson (jumpers are sweaters, yes, we all know), and lets her into the apartment, er, flat. This guy is annoying, yo. He’s smarmy and English, and not in the good Hugh Grant way. Spencer will definitely make out with him. Anyway, Melissa and Wren aren’t there and won’t be back from holiday (see how good I am at Britishisms) until the following night. So Melissa and Wren knew Spencer was coming and decided to leave? I guess if my little sister kissed my ex-fiance/current boyfriend, I would do the same as Melissa. Anyway, Spencer seems to ace her interview, mostly because she brown-noses her interviewer. At least, until, a vial of blood explodes in her bag. Um, awkward. I don’t think she can blame this on her period? That usually throws someone off the track. She gets a text from A confirming that he/she was behind the bloody bag. Spencer must have an amazing international data plan, because I never get service in foreign countries. Spencer panics and wants to come home, but Mrs. Hastings, looking through Ali’s case files, tells her to stay in England. Uh oh — what’s up?
Jess: Methinks sparks might brew between Spencer and this uber Brit flatmate. And on the romantic front, things are looking light this week! I’m kind of happy about it, because PLL is so much better than that ridiculous eightsome dinner and pajama show we were treated to during the Xmas episode. Aria tells Andrew that she’s “sorta still seeing Ezra.” Um, what? Ezra told you he thought it’d be best to break up and you guys haven’t talked for weeks. You aren’t dating. Date Andrew (later they kiss, squee)! Spencer neglects to tell Toby she’s hopping across the pond, and doesn’t seem sorry about it. Caleb is MIA. And Em’s would-be girlfriend Talia has the talk with her husband and...they’re separating. But I still think Emily shouldn’t get tangled up in all that. She doesn’t agree with me, and she and Talia dance to Shakira for like, hours.
Lindsay: Hanna and Aria go to visit Cyrus in the hospital, and he’s in the burn unit. Apparently he was carjacked and now he is basically just covered in burns. All over. What? Like, what happened? When he communicated with the girls, I pretty much just thought he was going to whisper “oil can” and that would have been it. Anyway, the liArs think that A is behind all of this. Is he/she? Probably. Hanna and Aria realize that the paper Cyrus wrote for them says “Varjack,” not “carjack,” who is a character from Breakfast at Tiffany’s. It’s really spelled “Varjak,” but if my body were 75% covered with burns, I would hope that someone would let my typos slide. Later, we see the other completely wrapped body in the burn unit get up and stand next to Cyrus’ bed. Is this going to be like mistaken identity dad in A Little Princess? I hope.
Jess: Hanna and Aria think it’s significant that he misspelled “Varjak” because it means he’s never seen it written down — that he spoke to A (and could therefore maybe identify A). Too bad he’s probably about to be done dead and no longer any help whatsoever. Since they’ve been scared off by the burn unit nurse, Aria goes home to snoop in Mike’s room and ends up falling off his bench press (because of the nuts/bolts that A messed with last episode, much like A did to Toby’s ladder once upon a time. A is repeating torture tricks now? Sloppy, sloppy). Meanwhile, Hanna pays Ali a visit and they have a heart-to-heart (as much of a heart-to-heart as Usually Heartless Ali is capable of). Ali says she honestly thought she was helping the liArs, telling them what to wear, who to like, what to do. She apologizes, having now realized how crappy it feels to be told what to do all the time (as she is in prison). She cries and asks to start over, and Hanna says, maybe. If you’re honest. About everything. So...who is Varjak?! Guess we’ll find out next week.
Pretty Little P.S.:
- Aria’s outfit is almost adorable — except for the fact that her suspenders are on backwards. So close, Aria. So close.
- Ali’s actually super hurt (or pretends to be) when Aria lays down this sick burn: “No, we were looking for A’s henchmen. We thought A was in a jail cell.”
- Emily’s married-to-a-guy lover Talia quit her job at the Brew/Bait Shop/Bookstore. Does that mean that this stupid storyline is over? That would be nice, thanks.
- Seriously, WHO IS IN THE BARREL?
- Hanna suggests that Spencer just tell her mom the truth and ask for help so she doesn’t have to go to London. Em agrees, but Aria doesn’t (because it’ll mess with her bro’s life). “You know what happens when we tell [the truth]!” Absurd as it is, she’s right.
- Emily’s being “urged” to drop out of the pageant because of her close association with the Ali case. Not cool, pageant lady. Talia agrees and tells the woman off (using blackmail).
- #PastorTed and Ashley are finally engaged! At least Hanna’s mom has something good going on with her.
The episode ends with A stuffing $20 bills into Bibles for the correctional facility. When we saw $20 bills and a Bible, we thought A was stuffing the books with Ashley Marin’s lasagna money (do only we remember that?). Wouldn’t that be a great call out? Anyway, with only three more episodes until we find out who A is (supposedly), we’re on a race to the finish. See you next week!