Welcome back to Rosewood, Pretty Little Liars fans! This week, our favorite liArs (and their friends and families) lie all over the damn place and, as usual, it gets them in a world of trouble. Whether the lies were about the depth of their heartbreak, secret messages, or their trust in each other, it looks like Ali’s return might be more of a curse than a blessing. Onto the recap!
Jess: Hanna Marin is cleaning out her closet, and despite all the murderers and pedophiles running around this town, nothing is more alarming than this. Ashley Marin and Spencer both look like they’re about two seconds away from calling 911 when they catch her in the act. Turns out she’s purging all the Caleb from her life, which includes giving away all the clothes he loved her in. Feel free to toss some of those ensembles over here, Han! Also, I can’t help but wonder how she’s going to restock her now empty closet; Ashley hasn’t made any lasagna box bank deposits lately, has she? Anyway, Caleb’s still chilling in Ravenswood, and Hanna’s channeling her heartbreak into solving some mysteries (and playing pool with #TravisTripp). She’s convinced A just made it look like Alison was staying at the Busy Bee Inn, and like A caught up with her before the liArs did, to freak the girls out.
Lindsay: So Spencer is currently living with Toby, lounging around, wearing his boxers and tee shirt. That is, after she rearranged all of his drawers and put his closet in ROY G BIV color order. Who knocks on the door, but Daddy Dearest. Awkward, having your dad see you in your boyfriend’s undergarments, ain’t it (not that I’m speaking from personal experience here, promise). What’s even more awkward is Toby coming out of the shower in front of Mr. Hastings with just a towel on. Yikes. Anyway, Spencer’s daddy tells her that the reason why he and Mrs. D were talking is because Jason “fell off the wagon” and needs to go to rehab. Sure, he does. Mr. Hastings then sits down with Toby alone and hands him what is basically a hush settlement from Radley that prevents him from talking about his mom’s accident. A little too quick with the paperwork, huh, Mr. H? Spencer thinks so, too, and she, with her teenage legal counsel, tells Toby to look more thoroughly before putting down his John Hancock. Mr. H confronts Spencer about this, yadda yadda. Honestly, I can’t even pretend about Toby’s storyline, even though his hair is serving up Jimmy Neutron realness that won’t be denied. Soon, Spencer finds out that Jessica DiLaurentis (no relation, we think, to Giada) is on Radley’s Board of Trustees. AND. IT. ALL. MAKES. SENSE. (But is Jason really pulling a Rihanna?)
Jess: Early in the day, Emily takes about an hour to light a candle at Rosewood’s non-denominational church, giving Shauna plenty of time to show up, lock Em in, and corner her with an alleged message from Alison. Shauna says Ali wants the liArs to stop looking for her (that it’s too dangerous), and also that she’s known Ali since they were toddlers-in-tiaras in Georgia and she moved up to Rosewood to investigate Ali’s attempted murder. Apparently Jenna was on the it list, so that’s how Shauna’s explaining their relationship. Em, still angry and not about to believe anything about Ali, asks for proof; she wants Shauna to ask Ali what she said to Emily when she pulled her out of the carbon monoxide barn. The liArs think Shauna’s playing on A’s team and Spencer in particular is none too pleased that Emily’s singled out and keeping secrets. Shauna delivers the info to Em, though, and says Ali wants to meet her tonight, alone. Looks like Emily might be falling back into the Ali trap...she’s adamant about meeting Ali, and Spencer’s just as adamant that this is a trick of A’s. But it’s really Ali (despite Shauna’s sketchy peel-away the second she drops Em off suggesting otherwise)! Ali’s not feeling so much love towards the other liArs; she’s not sure she can trust them. Turns out she thought she knew who was torturing her, but she was wrong. Spencer comes a-creepin’, and Ali runs away, as usual. Emily beats herself up but Spencer calls it as one of Ali’s classic reindeer games. Cue #AngryEmily.
Lindsay: EzrA and Aria have a morning meal together (Aren’t these girls 16? Where are their parents, for chrissakes?) and, when she says she wants to spend the afternoon with him, he lies and says he has to go to Philly to meet a “lacrosse friend” (#LaxBrahs). At that exact moment, Aria gets a text from #DojoHottie saying he’s back from Harrisburg. Of course, EzrA is all “oh, sure, morning with me, afternoon with him,” which, yeah, EzrA. You’re like 26, you thought you had a love child, and you’re with a 16 year old. There are statutory laws in Pennsylvania, and also, you’re a murderer (Probably? Maybe?). So Aria can spend her time the way she likes. And if it were up to us, Jess and I would certainly choose to spend our time with #DojoHottie. Unfortunately, Aria says that she’s going to tell Jake tonight that she’s back with that hole (aka EzrA). Cue a nation of collective groans (if you are an Ezria shipper, I know not what to do with you and I want you to look at your life and choices because they are bananas).
Anyway, Aria and #DojoHottie meet up and Aria is mystified that a guy who just came back from a karate tournament could have a bruise on his face. We knew Spencer was the smart one, but come on. #DojoHottie pretty much knows that Aria is back with EzrA (#PoorJake, as ABC Family’s social media department says, and WE AGREE), and she says that she wants to “be friends.” Yeah, okay, Aria. This choice is almost as bad as your neon leopard-print dress.
Jess: Later that night, #DojoHottie skulks around Rosewood, looking as sad as you’d look if a pretty little liar broke your heart, when he spots EzrA going absolutely berserk on a blonde woman in a dark car. #EzrASnapped, y’all. He yells about the colossal mistake this woman made, and does that whole, “look at me when I’m talking at you, seriously, LOOK AT ME” thang. It’s aggressive and makes me think EzrA’s not only evil, but on steroids. Remember when Tiffani went into ‘roid rage on California Dreams and trashed the diner? ‘Cuz that’s the level EzrA was at tonight, but I’m pretty sure the lady just stole his parking spot or something. And #DojoHottie picked up what EzrA was putting down. He’s super suspicious of his romantic rival now, and he’s not afraid to tell Aria about it. #DojoHottie tells Aria she should be scared of the dude she’s so in love with. Yuh-duh. Good for Aria for actually calling EzrA out on it. He says that he spent all day meeting with lawyers re: Maggie and Malcolm, and that #DojoHottie is trying to make him look bad. “I’m rubber, you’re glue” doesn’t really work here, bro (even though it does, because Aria caves). Looks like #DojoHottie’s in trouble for opening his mouth, too: someone (read: probably EzrA) carefully placed some sharp knives in his punching bag. Yikes on bikes.
Lindsay: So when that guy #TravisTripp comes over to Hanna’s house and there’s a pool table present, Jess automatically blurts out The Color of Money! And I’m like nah, this won’t be that scene. And? Well, it is. #TravisTripp romantically teaches Hanna how to play pool, and then they start smooching. He tries to stop it, and Hanna tells Travis that she and Caleb are so over (which, girl, we have all told that lie), and they play tonsil hockey. And then Ashley Marin walks in on them and Hanna tells her not to “judge her.” Um, she’s your mother. She should do a lot more judging and watching and less stealing old lady’s money. Ashley tells her to get over the first guy before you get under a new one (I’m paraphrasing here), and Hanna acts like the spoiled teenager she is. Fabulous, Han. Ashley is unphased, and she takes Hanna to a place where you throw plates at the wall and get out all your frustration because she did it when Hanna’s dad left her and it made her feel better. I actually like this idea: a safe, fun way to get out all that aggression. Gonna open one here and watch it become the latest fitness trend.
Pretty Little P.S.:
- Big ups to Daddy Hastings for the giant eye-roll he lays on Toby when his daughter’s boyfriend jumps into the room wearing nothing but a towel and a sheen of hot water. He’s so over the Spoby shenanigans.
- A big lol to the collective “ugh” in our apartment when Ezria comes on. Think we’re over it
- Can someone find me Spencer’s giraffe sweater? Thanks.
- In the scene with Shauna on the porch, Shay Mitchell’s (that’s Emily, guys) jacket and hair are so Shay. Love it.
- Where is MonA!? I call b.s., ABC Family. Bring back that ol’ so-and-so.
- I’d like to nominate Ashley Marin for Mom of the Year. Go, Marin ladies!
Phew, this was a ten-pound bag of crazy in a five-pound episode: Hanna is heartbroken, Spence keeps meddling, Shauna’s known Ali her whole life, and #DojoHottie got shanked in the foot. What’s next for the girls in Rosewood? We can’t tell, but MonA and EzrA seem to form a bond). Discuss in the comments who the worst boyfriend in Rosewood is (the answer is EzrA, if you needed help), and we’ll see you back here next week for a brand-new episode of Pretty Little Liars.